happy b'day Jesus

i'm officially hooked on christmas. we drove up yesterday afternoon in the rain and then finally, in the snow. after the best christmas eve dinner at jon's aunts, we came back to his folks house. conrad opened his christmas jammies and wanted to change into them right there on the spot and then put the snow boots i bought him yesterday for this trip back on-he has been wearing them since i pulled them out of the shopping bag, even requesting to wear them to bed and in the bath. the two of us cuddled up on the chair next to the roaring fire and read "The Night Before Christmas". after reading the book we got cookies and a glass of milk for santa and put it next to the fireplace then went upstairs and said goodnight.

watching conrad open his presents has made the day even more magical. at first he opened slowly, playing with each thing as if it was the only thing, but half way through it he finally began to get it. tearing into each festive wrapped package, ohhhing and ahhing. though when he tore into his Wall-E toy- a toy he has been eyeing at blockbuster for months now, and even though it's been out of the store for awhile now, every time we go there he wants to go look for it- at first sight of what was inside, he let out a loud WALL-E!!!!

after presents conrad and i got a cookie sheet from gramma and went outside to sled down the hill; we threw snowballs at one another-i just want to say it's a lot harder than it should be not to peg your own kid has hard as you know you can-made snow angels till our clothes were damp and our noses wet.

now truman is sleeping and everyone has gone back over to aunt ruth's for the roast beast.

i've had so much fun this holiday season making gingerbread men and snowflakes that we hung in the window and driving around looking at christmas lights in the ghetto (they're better there. both jon and i agree: the tackier, the better) and drinking hot cider while watching National Lampoons Christmas Vacation that i think i'm going to prolong christmas for a few more weeks.

merry chistmas.

ho ho snow

i really tried to do christmas cards this year. i picked up a catalog from kinkos, bought christmas clothes for the pictures- we even went to the mall and forced our children to sit on a stranger's lap, which conrad was quite pissed off about. but two days till and i have nothing but a bad jpg to show for it. discussing this with a friend, a mother of two, i was relieved to hear that when her two kids were at the age juncture of mine, she too never got to it that year. maybe, hopefully, possibly, but probably not, i'll send out a new years card.

tomorrow morning we're heading out to salem, a three hour drive north. last night jon's dad called to warn us that they have 18 beautiful inches of snow and we best pack man vs wild style just in case our car should get buried under an 18 inch avalanche and we have to drink our own urine to survive.

i can't say whether or not the rest of oregon is crazy, but here in medford they sure are. last week we had a few days of barely there snow- snow that melted as soon as it hit the ground, soon as the sun came up, soon as children started getting excited about making snowmen-and for like 3 days straight school was cancelled or post poned. give them a good rain storm and they start shitting bricks and doing their hail mary's. my first year here i experienced the craziness first hand when at the library and it started to rain more than a drizzle; i wasn't paying much attention to it, being from texas and being use to ignoring tornado warnings for the cause of lettuce wraps at chilis, i was taken back when i looked up from my book and saw everyone in the library glued to the giant windows that surrounded the back wall. i refrained from shouting out that everyone should get away from the windows and take shelter in the basement. i was afraid they would do it.

i'm not too worried about the snow. jon is going to buy snow chains tonight. plus, if we have to eat each other for survival, i'll be last thanks to my lactating breasts.

Picking My Nose and Chewing It

i know this is something every mother in the world struggles with, but for me, two and a half years into it, i'm just now beginning to truly grapple with, and that is how to Do It All.

my list( i'm sure it looks a lot like yours):

clean, clean up after everyone
do laundry
fix dinner
buy groceries
return movies to blockbuster
return bowl and platter to friend
make gingerbread cookie dough for tomorrows play date
stop by Micheal's for craft items for tomorrows play date
make dessert for christmas party pot luck
buy jon's dad christmas present
finish hanging christmas lights
balance checkbook
pay bills
wash conrad's bedding
buy holiday stamps
forget getting christmas cards out this year
and Take Care of Children while doing it all.

anyone who knows me knows i'm not the most organized person, and no matter how hard i try i seem to go in circles. just over the course of the the past two days i've been to the grocery store 1,2,3,4,5 times. which is ridiculous, i know. but even with a list in hand i always seem to overlook something, or the grocery store i'm is out of, say, family pack size of chicken breasts. or, i get home to find out jon just used the last of the flour, or i'm in the middle of making a dinner entree when lo and behold i only have one tablespoon of cumin and naturally i need two. a few months back i went through all the cupboards and made an inventory then posted them on the inside. and while that was great for like a week, it's functionality as past expired and there is no way i'm going through all that trouble again. of course i realize there is some painfully obvious solution to my problem but if i'm not smart enough to figure it out on my own i probably don't deserve to know. and all that to convey much of the exhaustion in trying to Do It All is most likely self-inflicted. i know there are moms out there with double the kids and double the chores who do it without breaking a sweat or needing a drink at the end of the day, i just seem to be a tad efficiency challenged.

i had no idea two year olds were this much fun. after months of internet silence, thanks to not having internet and therefore being forced into silence- that will stand as my opening sentence. toddlers are hilarious; little creatures of endless humor, some of which, i presume only a parent or bill cosby could appreciate. then again, who in there right mind wouldn't think instances such as going in to check on ones toddler suppose to napping and instead finding him in different clothes on with shoes on and a hat on dancing on the bed while singing a mary poppins song isn't something to chuckle about. because it is. it totally is. i wish i could bottle this age up and save it for when he is a teenager and wants nothing to do me. that is when i would pull my bottle of Toddler 2008 down from the wine rack and pour myself a drink of sudden discoveries accompanied with shrills of excitement and big hugs accompanied with "i'm happy mommy" whispered in my ear. he really did say that while i was hugging him the other day, he said it softly and as it entered my ear i knew he meant it to be meaningful and loving. i almost died.

and all that, and then the newest one, truman, who might be the best baby on the planet. and i thought conrad as an infant took the awesome cake, but well, truman is amazing. happy and easy going, mellow and, yes jeremy, he is a tad serious at times. as of a few days ago all he wants are those adorable little toes of his stuffed in his mouth. oh that and gobs of my hair clinched in his fists. he falls from perfection however when the clock strikes 1am and then again at 4am, that is when he dares to make hungry fussy noises, and fussy noises and not crying mind you because crying is something truman doesn't really do unless conrad makes his "ferocious duck" noise. and seriously, apart from that the kid loves to smile and ga ga goo goo and lie or sit where ever i put him while i do what i need to do. he makes this having two kids thing a piece of cake. awesome cake.

that is the summary of the past few months, in the fine print there is a bit about conrad being potty trained in A day, like singular, as in one day. crazy. and it wasn't how the books told me to do it, in fact had i followed the experts advice i'd still be waiting for conrad to be "ready". instead last friday morning i took off conrad's diaper, cleaned his butt, and to his protest told him when he needed to go pee pee or poop he would need to do it on his little potty. as mentioned, he pleaded with me for a diaper, even chasing me around the house holding one- however, i kept to my guns insisting to him he could totally do it and when he did the heavens of sugar would open. and he did, and has since that morning. although the little buger figured out that if he could draw out a pee at five different intervals he would a piece of candy each time, so after two days of pumping him full of skittles and malt balls, we changed the rules to pee pee getting stickers and the poop the candy. it seems holding your crap in is a lot more challenging.

gosh, it seems like there is soooo much more i should remember. but i'm kind of drawing a blank right now. lets see. conrad is 28 months and truman 4 months old. conrad loves race cars and reading books, in particular, A Day On The Farm and Corduroy and The Three Little Pigs and Bear Feels Sick and The Fuzzy Little Duckling and Pigsty and Peter Rabbit. i think it's interesting at how he gravitates and chooses the classics over some of the newer books, even though like how in the Three Little Pigs the wolf eats two of the main characters and how in Peter Rabbit Mr. McGregor eats the main characters father. for christmas i got him Charlottes Web and i'm super excited at starting a chapter book with him. his attention span with books is extraordinary for his age, though i won't be surprised if attempting a book like Charlottes Web is too soon. truman however is more interested in eating his soft books right now.

well now that i've done this perhaps i can get to writing our stories as they happen instead of poorly hashing out the essence of their collective memory.

blog ketchup

i feel a sense of shame in admitting this, but the thought crossed my mind once or twice of stopping the blog thing with my last momentous post: the birth of baby number two. it was a fleeting thought, afterall, i have been doing this for something like five years now, and after five years of divulging different parts and events of my life and Psyche, i don't think that even if i wanted to end it i could.

over two months have passed since truman was born and since i wrote anything. naturally much has happened in two months-truman slept, he ate, he gained nine pounds; conrad started eating things other than peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and copying every little single word i say. and i'm almost back to looking like me, and feeling like me. it's amazing how smoothly i've transitioned into being a mother of two, and dealing with the lack of sleep. even the relationship between jon and i is a lot less tense this time around, which has to be the biggest shocker because after conrad was born we were sworn enemies there for awhile.

i'm coming out of a long spiritual dryness. the "drawing me near" isn't anything new, looking back on the past two years it's quite evident it has been a gradual process- a stripping of this, an adding of that, and a heart that is completely broken, heavy, and longing to please my God in not just words and things that are easy for me to comply with but with every 'deed'. the whole banning China thing, of recycling, of signing every petition against human rights sent my way, of smiling at strangers on the street, and knowing and wanting that there is more i can do in helping the needs of others, has been just a fraction of it. i've also started feeling the need and desire to be a part of a church, of daily devotion, and worship. i feel alive again. close to Intention.

politics has been a hot topic in our house over the past few months as well. jon is a pundit of sorts with mini-editorials at the dining room table to entertain me. i have no idea who i'm voting for, though i know who i'm not voting for. and it starts with an O. principle tells me i should go third party but there is this little voice that keeps telling me if i don't vote for McCain and Obama wins it'll all be my fault. i think that little voice is wolf blitzer.

well over the humming of the computer i hear a two year old not taking his nap.

till next time.

one month down



yah. it's been a month, a little over a month. and ask me, ask me if it feels like it...yep. feels like i have an one month old and a two year old and am terribly, terribly sleep deprived. i will never understand those mothers who gush how fast time has flown by with their infants. what sort of crack are they snorting, and on whose back? there is nothing fast about long nights and learning how to juggle two kids in a grocery cart. no, it's more like a slow crawl down a plank with circling sharks below.



i've already dealt with a double breast infection, a two day ordeal in the hospital, and shooting yellow poop. but here is the great part, it's all worth it and even in this current state of DUH, which is how i feel at almost all times, i'm quite aware how precious this time is and how in those dark moments, how this too shall pass.



i tip my hat to mothers of more than one child everywhere. which includes me. i tip my hat to me.

a walk in the park

truman alder eggert
born august 15, 2008
6 lb 14oz
19.5 in


there is something to be said about the power of prayer. i had no idea so many people- you people, and family, and friends who don't read this- were lifting me and jon and conrad and truman up in prayer on friday. no idea. and i am SO GLAD you all did because the Lord was SO GOOD to me and He answered your and mine prayers: it was such an easy delivery! like, i can't believe-couldn't believe at the time-it could be so manageable. especially after conrad's. and believe it or not, but if labor could ever be thought of as enjoyable, this one was.


i went in at 7:30 that morning. conrad had-had a rough night so both jon and i were already exhausted from a broken 6 hours of sleep. around 8:30ish my doctor got there and gave me some "side attack", but hours later the contractions were too irregular to be considered active labor, and the baby i discovered with the contractions in my back, was sunny side up. our nurse was in bold capital letters, awesome. she couched me through various moves i could do to get him to turn and within a hour it had worked. once truman was in the right spot things started progressing. still, my contractions were a little too irregular so the hooked me up to an IV and gave me petocin.


earlier that morning i debated with myself and the nurse if i should do an epidural or not. i know i said i wasn't going to this time around, but my labia has been uber swollen for months now and i've been a tad nervous how that would play out with pushing. around the time i got to 5cm, which was about 3pm, i turned to jon and said, "i think i'm going to do the epidural after all". which was funny because he and i both knew i was going to cave it was just a matter of time for when i would. 5cm was my time.


the anesthesiologist made it there sooner than later and i credit all the smoothness such as that to the nurse God gave to us for that day. she was on it, every second, always thinking of ahead of what i might need or what might be going on, and so every time we might have run into a delay or a problem, she had already problem solved it.


shortly after the epidural i went to 7cm, and within a hour of that, i was at 10cm. unlike with conrad i was alert of everything going on around me, i was part of the labor. my labor with conrad was so different: you know, conrad was in the red because of the deciles, which meant the stress in our room was of the charts-there was a flurry of whispers and random medical professionals coming in and out, loud beeping, a hundred different things connected to me and being told to me, i pushed with him for 3.5 hours at 8cm, of which, i know now there was no epidural present, and by the time he was born perfect and healthy- i was semi-conscience from exhaustion and pain.


with truman. oh man. sure it was painfully, i mean it was still labor and all, but i never felt that hellacious burning from crowning and the contractions were, like i mentioned above, totally manageable. i had adrenaline pumping through me making me quiver and within three contractions of pushing, he was out. we're talking 5 minuets of pushing...maybe. the doctor unwrapped the cord, which was around his neck three times, and cleared his mouth and nose and gave him to me all slimy and beautiful. jon was behind me, i was crying and laughing, and truman was snorting. he's a snorter. it's weird but we love him.


that was at 7:15pm on friday.


since then there hasn't been much sleep but holy moly how different and easier number two is. i didn't realize how effortless taking care of a newborn can be when you compare it to the energy exerted with a two year old. it's a perspective having more than one only can bring. truman is a good baby too. he has that snorting thing going on, which is part of the fatigue today because he was up last night quite a bit trying to breath out of his nose but having a hard time because it was semi-clogged and not being able to breath adequately enough out of his mouth because he hasn't yet quite grasped how to do it without snorting. so up i was bewildered and concerned with a crying, rapidly breathing baby...until we gave him some saline and all was good and slightly snorty again.


the after birth pain is really bad this time. something i guess most people know happens after the first one but i was unaware of. the cramps are comparable to the contractions at 5cm, those very contractions that made me turn to the reality and need of an epidural. while at the hospital i was given some heavy duty muscle relaxers every four hours, but when we left we were only given ibuprofen and a prescription for the real drugs, and with this being medford and pharmacies closing at 6pm, last night was also long as i was in quite a bit of pain.


still, compared to conrad's grand entrance, this time around is like a walk in the park. a bumpy park.



not having a contraction

having a contraction

waiting

not waiting

conrad was beaming and overly excited!

jon was beaming and entralled.

truman, well, he's just chill.

"Crowning", doesn't that word send fear deep into your soul?!?

by this time tomorrow, knock on wood, i should have a baby truman here in the world beyond my fabulous uterus.

conrad wasn't so. he took all day and half the night, including but not limited to, practically three hours of pushing before making his grand and beautiful entrance. but i'm an optimist. an eternal and often painfully disappointed optimist.

this might be my last time to blog for awhile. i wish i could labor blog but i have no lap top so the blogs where one might read, "HELPPPPP!!!!" and, "SEX ISN"T WORTH THIS!!!!!" will not occur.

well, here i go.

what could be the longest week, EVER:

i don't believe it myself, but yes, still no baby. there were nights, not too many nights ago, i would sit on the couch and watch truman do tumbles and backflips, making my stomach look like an alien was about to tear my flesh open and come raging out, hungry for human flesh and world domination. as i would watch this spectacle in half fear and half maternal awe, i was almost positive, he would, sooner than i was ready, break my water with all those jabs and half inch protrusions.

as it appears right now, as i've sadly accepted, friday, august 15th at 7:30am, i'm scheduled for my inducement. the distance from here, this tuesday to there, this friday, seems like a lifetime away-an eternity elapsed within and around eternities.

i will say, i'm getting WAY more done around the new place than i antcipated. which is nice, but not as nice as being able to bend down again and having little truman here would be.

Zing

i laid in bed last night, 3:30 am, debating whether or not to get up and blog about, what at the time appeared to be, the beginning of labor.

sometime around 11am my consistent 10min. contractions abruptly ended, and haven't been back since.

"false labor" is what they call it, though i like to refer to it as, "big effin tease". at this point i am a flurry of emotions: anticipation mixed with disappointment. for hours there we thought IT WAS HAPPENING, and as so, mentally, i began to amp myself. now, here i am about to end another day pregnant, a day i thought last night was going to be The Day. baby in arms. tummy deflated. tired. sore. thrilled.

tomorrow is my actual due date and while i'm quite aware only 5% of babies are born on their due date i'm hoping whole heartily, truman is one of them.

hope with me.

it's midnight, past midnight, and i'm awake. tired. wishing to be asleep, but instead, awake.

those sore legs of mine are REALLY sore and hurting tonight; hurting and aching so much that even laying there in bed while rubbing burts bee muscle healer on them is still too uncomfortable. i want to shake jon out of sleep, before sleep out of his "i'm tired" blah blah guess whose not having a baby in a few days mode, and make him rub my legs. not carelessly stroke them like he did while we sat on the couch right before he fell asleep, but rub them damnit; put some actual exertion into it, because otherwise, the effortlessness only fuels my moodiness and tempts me to tickle his nose with a feather after just having put shaving cream in his hand.

since it's after midnight, guess what? i'm due in two days. i shouldn't be counting down but i am. every time i get annoyed that i'm still pregnant i have to remind myself, refresh my perspective levels, that it's because God has a special timing for this, for special God-knowing reasons. oh me! those God-knowing reasons.

on the flip side, i really am grateful that i'm being able to spend some quality time with conrad before truman gets here. today, after a morning spent tickling one another and playing with his toys, we went to the spray park in jacksonville. it was as perfect as perfect gets, and by "it" i mean, conrad. i've said it here before but i'll say it again, i love being with my child. i love who he is and who he is becoming. he makes me laugh and smile constantly, and i can't think of too many other people i would rather spend time with over. scratch that, i can think of no one i would rather spend time with over. conrad is the tops.

another sunday at the river...

perhaps one of my favorite things about living in the northwest is spending an afternoon by the river. and i write "think" because i'm pretty sure as soon as i'm not pregnant or attached by the boob to a baby or too financially strapped because of a year and a half of making it off one income, my favorite thing about living in the northwest will be learning to kayak white river rapids.
early this morning as jon waited by the oven for his signature coffee cake to finish baking, i sat on the back porch reading my bible while conrad played in his cozy coupe car. as i read out loud a psalm conrad beget my attention-he was doing his fishing sign and once he knew i was watching him it was followed by his fishing noises. i asked him if he wanted to go fishing and instantly he replied with an enthusiastic YEAH.

and so it was our day had just been planned.

i packed an insulated back pack full of snacks and sandwiches, jon loaded the car, and we were off for another sunday at the river.

Should Be Sleeping, dear diary.

apart from the monster looking thing that use to be my vagina, the worst part of this pregnancy has been the past month of having a hard time falling asleep at night because of the aching in my legs. it's so bizarre, and i'm at a lost at how to cope with it. typically i just toss and toss and toss till i pass out. which often takes till 1am.

come october i'm scheduled to have my tubes tied. this pregnancy has been affirmation to my desire to only have two children. not that it's been terribly hard, not by any means, it's more or less the facing reality i don't think my lower torso can physically take the weight of another baby.

i'm a week away from my due date and terribly anxious for truman to get here already. coming this far and still no baby i'm beginning to wonder if truman, like conrad, is going to take his time and have to be induced. that would be two weeks from now, and that is too far away. not to mention, from what i've gathered in my chatting with other moms, induced labors are way harder than going into labor naturally. which totally makes sense, it's much harder to shake an apple out of a tree when it's not ready to fall than when it is. great allegory, i know. so needless to put, i'm really really hoping i can try the loose apple technique this time around.

the great thing about this pregnancy is that i'm very confident in it, being truman, is going to be the perfect addition to this family. there is part of me that laments in knowing my time is going to be divided and i won't be able to relish conrad every second he wants me to, but it is swiftly outweighed knowing conrad is going to get more out of having a brother than having a mother who wants nothing more than to dot over him every second of every day. and knowing i'm not only going to have another life to love and cherish past the moon, but that in doing so i'm doing the most loving thing for my first born, is really the icing on the cake.

38 weeks and 3 days pregnant, and almost, so very close, to being completely moved in.

saturday morning jon woke up and the first thing he did, according to him albeit, was pick up a box i had packed the night or the past few NIGHTS before and walk it out to the uhaul. that sort of 'get it done' pace didn't end, and in a way, hasn't yet ended till maybe now.

i was almost certain i was going to wake up moving day and go into labor and we were going to be totally screwed but baby truman is already demonstrating how agreeable is by giving us some time to adjust into our new home. or "newy" as conrad refers to it. their are a few boxes here and there-one in the bathroom, a few out on the back deck, and one in the living room-that need unpacked, and yes, resting against the bookshelf are half a dozen framed pictures that need to be hung, but otherwise, i mean we have gang banged this move.

like with the past house, we once again have more room than we know what to do with. seriously, jon was home this morning and it took me like fifteen minutes to find him. it is a three bedroom but with two large bonus rooms and a huge dining room, living room. fireplace. large front porch, back deck. two story. there is so much space that is just begging me to fill it. so far, i love this house. i love all it's charm and the beautiful fully fenced back and front yard. i even like our neighbors.

our old neighborhood was definitely, hands down, better; we're back over in the 501 side of town, but our street is nice, a little pocket of old bigger homes with beautiful lawns and no crazy lady next door to randomly walk into our back yard to blow bubbles with conrad. and to think we're only paying $25 more a month for it!

the only draw back thus far are the curtains downstairs. i thought we might be able to do some curtain juggling and get those God awful ugly things out of sight, but the rods their on are only for pull curtains, though i doubt that's the word for them, and to re-place 4, 10 foot wide window curtain rods is like more money than we have. so on they stay till either i score at a yard sale or we decide we don't need to eat for two weeks. either one.

this house definitely feels like a home. and i definitely feel like a 38 week pregnant women who just moved into it.

if not here then where?!?

i realize i come here often when there is nobody else who will let me punch them in the face and i need some sort of outlet, or thing to take it out on. Internet, i'm sorry, but in my imagination you have a giant red bulls eye painted in the middle of the monitor and it's just a bruising for a cruising.

oh conrad. oh tuesday. oh fcking shitty of a tuesday with conrad.

and really, even before conrad opened his can of whoop ass and utter defiance on me, i had this sour milk in my mouth taste making me gauge over the kitchen sink taste as i tried to clean out the sippy cup from whence it came from and in doing so shot a ginormous projectile of dish soap across the kitchen, that had me wondering what sort of day i might be in for. of course, i had that premonition thanks to the sour milk i drank and the uncontrollable desire to throw up because of it which lead to the violent scrubbing out of the sippy cup and the dish soap that went flying across the room. typically, not a good sign all is going to go smoothly for the rest of the day. and it hasn't.

back to conrad.

there are weeks my son is perfect. i mean PERFECT. like a little angel that floated down from heaven on a cloud made of puffed sugar strumming a harp that massages you as you hear it. and then there are weeks he redefines the TERRIBLE in terrible twos. this dichotomy of character is puzzling to me, and even worse, everytime we go through it i am completely thrown off because it seems to come out of no where and i have just gotten use to the perfect little being, previously known as, conrad.

today was such a day, though with yesterday indicating such a storm was brewing. still, i wasn't prepared. i know it's a battle of wills i have to win, and once i do, things will subside; i won't look and sound like That Mean Mother when we're at the Children's Festival in Jacksonville and conrad doesn't want to hold my hand and i am gripping his little wrist pulling on him to get off the ground scowling, "one more time, you can either WALK HOLDING MY HAND or mommy can carry you. which one do you want to do? PICK!"

neither will we have to leave early from the park because somebody won't stop biting me when i'm instructing him on what's civilized and what's not.

yes, after i win this battle for a temporary period of time, our days will be back to frolicking in the soft grass at the park, swimming happily in the cool pool, and dancing like monkeys to music.

today, however, i'm wishing for a stiff drink and a babysitter and a innocent bystander to clothesline.

Happy

today, or at least right now, might not be the best time to write about the inexplicable joy that occurred two years, and one day ago today. or how every day i wake up and think to myself how bitch slapping lucky i am to be conrad's mommy, and how there could be no absolute hell frozen over way that he could be any cuter or any more precious than the previous day, and of course, the moment i lay eyes on his crazy bed head and sleepy eyed face i'm flabbergasted because of course somehow in the middle of the night he managed to get even cuter and sweeter and more lovable. it never seems possible but he always is, and does.

though to write about these things right now i'm having to strain, because he is a two year old and like two year olds he has his moments, unfortunately, just moments ago we had a moment: him with a butt smeared in crap trying to kick me and twist violently as i attempted to wipe him, and after a few swats on the ass and a clean diaper put on, he resisted the tucking into nap time by standing up in his bed in defiance and hitting me. this revolt against nap time isn't anything new, last week i think he only napped once. however, the days where no sleep occurred were days he spent back there happily playing in and destroying his room without such angst as today. who knows why today he's a little more grrrrr. i doubt even conrad knows.

but yes, yesterday was conrad's 2nd birthday. we celebrated last sunday when all jon's family was in town so when yesterday rolled around we decided to take it chill; first thing that morning we surprised conrad with a train table and train set i super scored on craigslist with and practically had an aneurysm trying to put together the night before-i don't think people with two functioning sides of the brain should have such a hard time connecting train pieces and yet i did. we went to the donut shop for breakfast, conrad and jon went to the park while i took a mid-morning nap to recoup from all the brain energy exerted the night before putting together the train set, and then from there on out it was hanging out at the house, playing in the sprinklers, finger painting, walking around the block with daddy, pizza, and nemo.

i use to try and blog about all conrad's changes and developments, but there is no way unless i tape a key board to my chest and log around the pc on a leash behind me, i can possibly keep up with him anymore. who he is and is becoming grows and blossoms on a daily basis. the words, the physical accomplishments, the concepts, the quirks, the personality traits....holy cow, it's dizzying.

at two years old he already has such a grasp on comedy and humor. which is obviously loads of fun for everyone but it also makes disciplining him quite challenging as he views the world through these silly goggles where everything and anything is a joke, even spankings and threats of sending teddy bear to be the new host on the View if he doesn't shape up. and yet amidst that too silly for his own good disposition lies this super lovey dovey who understands the power of a hug, the intimacy of a kiss, the quelling affect of a snuggle with mommy.

put him in a room with every cool new toy, cookies, kids his own age laughing and playing, and a dog and conrad will go directly to the dog. and after a few minuets of being with that dog he will have mastered every wag and pant and bark of said dog, then for the next few days following he will still be calling out the dogs name in hope said dog comes galloping up to him and knocks him down and slobbers all over his face. conrad is a serious dog person. and if it wasn't written out so clearly in our lease agreement i swear even though i'm 9 months pregnant yesterday conrad and i would have gone out and gotten a puppy for his birthday.

the most striking thing about conrad these days is this Monkey See Monkey Do stage. i mean he mimics EVERYTHING! from the way i sit in a chair to the way jon holds his cup. EVERYTHING! at times it's quite flattering and other times it's a wake up call to how i project myself to him. for example, the other day conrad brought it to my attention how ridiculous i look when i sigh out of frustration.

i'm more than excited for 2 to 3. i know this year will have some challenges, but so far, and i'm crossing my legs since i can't cross my fingers as i type...or can i, nope, all the frustrations are happily out weighed by all the amusement and wonder of this age. i LOVE hearing him yell out WOW as we go over a huge bridge, or watch him giggle profusely because dogs ears twitch when you blow into them. daily, hourly he is allowing and embracing life to awe him, and being around that just isn't humbling, it's infectious.

Check Out My Beard


i was planning on doing this tomorrow, tomorrow when silence and empty space are scheduled to return back to our currently chaotic and full house. but the opportunity is here now: the in laws left this morning back for salem and with them a flurry of activity 9 year old nephew plus random bags full of quilts and paper products, jon's brother and his wife are out for the afternoon at the river, jon is watching tv instead of hogging the computer with his new flight simulator addiction, and that little flurry of activity of my own, well conrad is napping. thus leaving me completely bewildered with the stillness and quietness and chance to catch up on the past two weeks of Internet activity.

quite alot has happened since the last time my fingers graced this key board i am currently gracing. conrad got sick. we went to salem. a bunch of sweet old ladies from dianna's church attended a baby shower for truman. i got sick. jon got sick. we came home. i finally got good sleep and got better. conrad got better. jon got better. then jon hurt his knee and almost ended up under the knife to remove his bursa but instead he's been monitoring it and nursing it with frozen bags of corn and broccoli. and i'll insert the anxiety of not knowing what we were in for; for some time there jon's condition was potentially limb threatening and if we actually had finances to ruin it would have been that to...not to mention for a few days we were unsure if jon would be able to stay employed and all this occurring at week 35 of my pregnancy with a full house of people to clean up after and sometimes make lunch for or dinner for with an impending move right around the corner and a 2nd birthday party i was trying to plan and implement. but all is ok now-jon's knee just might need more time to heal itself and it's not infected and so the bursa doesn't need removed, and even if it did we found out yesterday we qualify for 100% financial assistance at the hospital. as for being badly pregnant, i've had gramma's and granpa's and aunts and uncles and cousin tristan to help out with conrad, i've also found my inner-inner-inner energy to keep the house clean while "hosting", and throwing a party for a very special toddler, and do some of the things jon usually helps me out with since all he can really do is bake veggies on his knee.

there has also been an ultra-sound in all that too. truman is growing just fine. so am i. at 36 weeks i measure 36 cm, weigh 121 lbs, and have a vagina that is ready to explode from the all the pressure. seriously. my poor vag.

as much as it has been a little much with all the motion and visitors, it has been awesome too. in fact i might slit holes in jeremy's and jessica's car tires tonight so they can't leave in the morning, or EVER. i'm very excited at the thought of jess getting all baby infested and moving back this way to push strollers in the park and drink tequila behind the slides with me. though i think she's more of a wine cooler girl. could be a little tricky to hide a wine cooler under our petty coats but we'll see.

conrad is just waking up and since it is 7pm i should do something about that thing people call Dinner.

transmissions from our living room

conrad and i just finished breakfast, some delicious from scratch bran muffins, and now we want everyone to know we love the flaming lips. you should see us dance. you should hear conrad try to sing along.

suck on that barney!

ask conrad if his mommy is going to have a baby come out of her tummy soon and his face lights up in silliness and he say's "No". but instead of the no sounding like an "eff you", it sounds very british and that's how we know when conrad is teasing or joking back. he becomes a brit. i blame it on thomas the train.

friday morning conrad and i went up to the hospital to see shahala and her new baby. like with me, when informing conrad mrs. shahala's baby came out of her tummy he was humorously disagreeable about the whole thing. once at the hospital, in the room, with shahala lying down holding little sydney, you couldn't have paid conrad to stop smiling. he was mesmerized. i asked him if he thought she was beautiful and bashfully he responded with a "Yah". shahala was even a sport as to let him hold her and well conrad, all conrad wanted to do was pet the day old angel like a little puppy. and he definitely didn't want to give her back, because for the thirty more minutes we were there he repeatedly requested to hold her. hold her. hold her.

needless to say, i'm very much at peace with conrad's acceptance of baby brother truman. on a daily basis he gives my tummy kisses, talks to it, tells it different animal sounds, and all on his own doing. no requesting from jon or i. acting as a big brother to my tummy was completely his idea, and his undertaking.

i think the biggest hurdle we are going to have is not going to be conrad wanting to be the center of attention but of conrad wanting to constantly hold and play with the new "center of attention". which seems like the more desirable of choices anyways.

i can't believe how close my due date approacheth. i'm 34 1/2 weeks. how did this happen?!? i'm definitely ready in one sense and no where near in the practical sense. as it stands right now, we will probably need to move out by july 31st. i've been quite aware of this impending reality for some time, but waiting to see where and what God would have us do, has prohibited me from doing necessary nesting. there is no baby room for truman, not even a car seat. or a bassinet. i did however buy a phil and ted double stroller off of craiglist in dallas, so depending on if and when eric and boo visit, i'll eventually have it here. i do have a moses carrier so for awhile there will be somewhere for truman to sleep. and as for the car seat, i'm working on that. once again on craigslist, the problem with this isn't me being terribly particular, but finding a car seat base that fits on my petite rav 4's backseat ass. otherwise i probably would be terribly particular. as for the baby room, i know it'll come. might be after truman is born, but like the stroller, eventually.

none of the "eventually" perspective does jack shit for the itching desire to set everything up in loo of truman's arrival. though the comfort is in knowing we are trusting God, not merely in theory, but in this act of waiting. and waiting. unsure. ambigious. waiting.

jon is watching a biography about the pixies, which reminded me of a something i wanted to blog about months ago: the possibility of my rock star kindred spirit being chris robinson, or maybe it was rich robinson. one of the two. for the longest time i wondered if, apart from the bass player mortal attraction, how someone like me, a music enthusiast...a rock snob, could find so very little in common with those responsible for crafting and creating the very thing that makes my soul quiver and sparkle.

i listen to these interviews on npr, or at least i did until my stereo got stolen out out my car a few weeks ago-though if you ask jon it wasn't theft because my windows were down and somehow that negates it being a crime. whatever- run on a program called World Cafe. they showcase some of the most random and awesome bands and artists; i've heard everyone from my morning jacket to the guitarist from the clash. the host, david dye, a guy who has to have the coolest job on the face of the earth apart from that annoying chic on the travel channel who GETS PAID to jet set across the globe, shacked up in five star hotels, critiquing the spa's, the most expensive items on the menu because of course that's what we, the people who watch such television shows want to know about- what dishes on the menu we will never be able to afford, let alone travel to such exotic locales to taste, taste like. so david dye has a whole slew of questions and song requests he presents these rock legends and rock to be legends with, i would sit there in my car and almost feel uncomfortable listening to these Idols make absolute no sense, just ramble blah blah blah, then they would play a song and the moments before awkwardness would vanish, and once again they were perfect. genius.

this dilemma wasn't new to me, i had experienced it back in dallas: night after night, show after show, local and touring musician after local and touring musician (minus the occasional bass player, but i'm not sure if bass players count because they hardly talk during interviews let alone when there is more than one person present). and just as with the interviews on npr, i could never find that groove, that groove that says, "we are two of the same". i would do most of the asking and buying, them the talking and drinking.

then one day on my way to safeway to buy the fixings for sandwiches i heard an interview with the black crowes. i've never been a black crowes fan. really never even paid any attention to their stuff. but listening to the interview i had this weird sensation, the sensation of not wanting to cut their wrists for them. whatever robinson brother it was, he was cool. not pretentious, or overtly attempting at being weird and novel, just transparent in who he was. the reasons and inspiration for why he wrote a certain song were things i always thought musicians thought-things i could understand and not just gravitate to but relate to.

i turned the car off and walked inside for my quest of sliced smoked turkey and muenster cheese when it dawned on me, i am jon's very own not so hot version of kate hudson and him my short haired, bearded rocker turned father.

Till Hernia Do We Part

me: we need to start going on dates again.

jon: we will once we can have sex again.

me: (look of being perplexed, and knowing whatever the reason is, i'm sure it to be inappropiate.) and why?!?

jon: otherwise what's the point (followed by That laugh of his).

fittingly and finally, Mommy

not much of a surprise conrad's first accidental word was DaDe, his first intended word, Da, and his first two syllable word, Daddy. literally, from the first seconds of conrad's existence outside of my womb there was a connection between him and his father. a "hi, conrad" followed by two just opened eyes looking intently in the direction of his fathers voice. everyone in the room knew he knew, it was no coincidence.

as his language skill has developed, slow but steady, there has been:

elm, elma (elmo)
nahnah (juice)
op...n (open)
a-ba (bath)
gee (keys)
buh (bug)
bee (for both bee's and the beach)
dub (thank-you)
dub-dub (here you go)
we (weeds, he is absolutely OBSESSED with pretending to weed eat the grass with the toy weed wacker i got him from a yard sale. i shit you not, some mornings he wakes up asking for "We")
me (conrad referring to himself)
wal (walk)
wah (water or waffles)
pah (grampa)
mah (either me or his gramma)
mil (milk)
nack! (snack)
arbe (arby's)
yum-me (yummy)
teh-e (his teddy bear)
swee (swing)
par (park)
help
up
down
hat
go
daddy
beetle
mow
bleh
bubba
ba-be
ball
more
NO
yah
hi
bye
hot
one
two
thwee (three)
fhour
ive (five)
ate (eight)
nihn (nine)

and almost every animal noise you can possibly think of plus a plethora of other various words that are hit and miss with consistency.

but if you noticed, I, the women who carried him for 9 long months, spent 16 hours in labor with, nursed him from sore, infected nipples, for 10 months woke up in the middle of the night to tend to; I, the women, who pureed his first foods by hand, spent countless hours every day stimulating him with various sounds and smells and sights and rhymes instead of putting him in a baby swing to exist, who has changed what seems like thousands of his God awful diapers (while making lovey dovey faces none the less), having had spit up in my hair, on my blouse, in my mouth; I, the women, who has bitten cherry after cherry in half for him so he wouldn't choke on the pit, scrubbed crap off his crib, on a daily basis has read the same book ten times in row for, been brainwashed by thomas for, let clip my toe nails with real clippers, spent hours outside searching for bugs with, and has dedicated the remainder of her life to his happiness and well being; I, that same women, up till this afternoon only been referred by an occasional bubba and the same word he calls his grammas.

then something happened i have been waiting for since the day i found out i was going to be a Mommy, this afternoon he finally said, "Mommy". a perfect, two syllable, "Mommy". me. his mommy.

there in the mall i stopped the stroller and in front of store front windows and doors, with people all around me, i dropped down in front of him and made a complete fool of myself as he repeated it over and over again for my amusement.

add it to the "I, the women", the mommy.

are we cool yet?!?

exhausted and drained i plopped down on the sofa. jon was playing one of his alternative reality uber nerd computer games and conrad was asleep. it was 9ish or so and once again the finished day had taken it out me, conrad had worked me, pushed me, and had it been a hour earlier, i would have made the trip to barnes and noble to buy Turning the Terrible Twos Into Terrific, a book super mom kim back in dallas swears by.

as jon slayed giant dragons with his posse of elves and centaurs, i began to unveil to him my fears on being a mother of a toddler. not all has been lost but the last few weeks have been more hard than not; conrad has been busy trying to figure out which one of us is in control, and often i have been too tired and pregnant to enforce and ensure him it's ME and his father; the punitive damages from such inconsistency has been worse than i could have imagined. which is why yesterday was so difficult, because i decided first thing that morning to reclaim my power, and a power struggle it was.

then we greeted today. already after one day of total uncompromising and firm stances, he is worlds more agreeable. in fact, today has been pretty magical. not a single tantrum or NOOOOOOO or hitting. we've been to the park, rode our tricycle (one of those with handle bars for you the parent to push while they sit strapped in. it's awesome.) to story time at the library, played trains with his friends afterwards, rode our tricycle to the gelato shoppe, split a small cup of chocolate and raspberry, then to Rays to pick up a sandwich for daddy which we brought to him at work, and home for a nap. and during all this there has been kisses and snuggles and silly voices and conversations about the world around us....and me only having to ask something once.

DongaDeep

if i would have read my horoscope yesterday it probably would have read, "your f'ed".

i'm not going to, and i don't lament the slew of character scrutiny i was forced to undergo. as martyristic as this is going to sound, i actually, in some weird sort of way, relish such occasions. not for the stinging regret it brings, or the shame, or for the downward-inward introspect that insists you work it out in your heart, but for the bettering i hope it will bring.

i see it as an episode of What Not To Wear, and me as the fashion victim coming to be rescued with a $5000 credit card to Saks-but in this scenario-instead of coming mirror to mirror with all my fashion faux pas, i'm face to face with my inner ickiness and after a few wardrobe lessons and a clean sweep of my closet, everyone around me is relieved i'm no longer blazing around in blouses with shoulder pads coupled with gyspy skirts.

the painful thing about this time is i swear i've been here before. i had crossed this bridge. burnt this demon. i guess that's the thing about areas we struggle with: their ability to sneak back at any given moment. it's lesson for me to be more vigilant with myself, my words, my inability to filter emotions and judgements through the graces of God. i'm referring to bluntness; to the rawness.

after an entire day spent dredging the trenches, i realized to be successful, i must realize such success is not within me, but relying on "through Christ".

and knowing that makes it seem a whole lot easier.

at least seven feet under

i have a sick feeling in my gut the chaos of this past week is just a taste of what having two will be like. there were many a times i was loading the dishwasher or doing a load of laundry or shuttling conrad from one activity to another when a huge sigh would just bellow out of me without consent. i'm assuming my body was dispersing of small amounts of life i'll no longer have when i'm 90, which is just as good, 90 doesn't seem to be cracked up to...oh that's right, everyone knows 90 probably sucks balls. anyways. part of the problem was that-that 3 foot little person who lives with us, that free loader decided naps were no longer something he'd humor me with. i never realized just how important those naps are to not only maintaining a non-hazardous bathroom zone, but for my sanity.

i'm sure being 7 1/2 months pregnant isn't making the situation any better, or that conrad has woken up in the middle of night twice this past week and ended up in bed with us, not to mention jon worked a typical long week-most days jon leaves for work around 6:45am and doesn't return till around 6ish that evening, so not only does it make for long lonely days, but means i'm not going to expect, and probably won't recieve, any help around the house. then today jon is working again-an on the side tile job, which is great because we really need the extra income, but it's hard for him and hard for me.

sorry to be debbie downer, but to write about anything else would be more work. this is how i feel: seven feet under with a shovel made out of rubber.

On Second Thought


there is an unspoken, though often grumbled through grinding teeth, little saying about camping, it goes, "your not camping unless at some point your miserable".

last friday that some point would have been from 11pm to 7am.

with my parents in town and the mandatory trip to the redwoods and coast at hand, i decided months ago we would camp out at right there in the redwoods just twenty minutes away from the coast, also known as, jedidiah state park in california.

i had acquired a 6 man tent from a yard sale and jon borrowed two extra sleeping bags from one of his friends at work. as for food, my mother and i decided it would easier to forgo the hot dogs and potato salad and wavy lays and six packs of cola, not to mention, the makings for breakfast and lunch (though naturally we brought along the ingredients for smores) and instead go into town for all our hunger needs. the buying and packing and preparing all that food just wouldn't just be a huge task for we women to undergo, but four adults plus one car seat, a tent, four back packs, four sleeping bags, four pillows, one carry your toddler on your back-back pack, and a crate full of incidentals all stuffed in a small rav4, was in and of itself, WAY TOO MUCH STUFF.

once we arrived at the campground we "lucked" out and got a spot someone had just cancelled their reservation for right down on the river. SCENIC just isn't a sufficient enough of a word. lot 55 was mystical- as my father and i resigned to once we ran out of synonyms for scenic-though it's not like we actually saw any white bearded wizards or little fairies dancing on shamrocks. our campsite was however backed up to redwoods hugging the rocky bank of the sparkling crystal water, and, my favorite part, across from a flight of steps that lead directly to the restrooms. unfortunately, and most importantly, we were unable to find even ground for our dome of a tent. and that leads me to 1) attempting to sleep while feeling yourself sliding down and, 2) the quote un quote of the word lucked previously written.

and while i was miserable, no one had it worse than my husband and mother and son. my father and i actually decided it would be awe shucks to sleep out under the stars like we use to when i was a little girl: be it in the backyard or on camping trips, i was always his comrade for braving the elements in hope he would talk about the various constellations and their wonders till my eyes couldn't take staring up into the white speckled abyss anymore and i would retire to dreams of far away galaxies. this time however we were both too tired and the air too cold; we said goodnight then buried ourselves out of sight from one another in the warmth of our sleeping bags. but back in the tent, the ground wasn't just uneven it was extremely uneven. conrad kept sliding out from underneath his covers to the cold tarp at the bottom of the tent, jon would bring him close and afraid of distressing conrad, conrad would fall asleep their on jon in the most uncomfortable, coldest position possible. on the other side of the tent was my mother. she shared the dilemma of sliding while trying to sleep and of a borrowed sleeping bag that was rank with the smell of gasoline. she too was cold, and alas, she made her peace with God and decided to take the gamble of covering her face down in the sleeping bag from the chilly air despite the possibly lethal and obnoxious odor.

throughout various points in the night i would wake, greatly disappointed it wasn't yet twilight and dying to take the short but brisk walk to the bathroom. sometime around 3am, i mustered the courage, squeezed my muscles together down there, and woke my father to go with me. there was no way i was going to be able to walk those few hundred yards by myself with only a flashlight as my defense from wild hungry california bears.

when the sun finally rose, once again, i laid there longing; longing for food. any food, bear food. my mother had noticed a sign for McDonalds on the way there and the night before jon and my father spoke of rising early and bringing back food for the women and children. but it was past twilight and the soft nudges did nothing to stir my father, neither did the eventual, "i thought you were going to get breakfast early this morning. and well, it's early." i tried to sleep through the hunger pangs but every time i would dose i was rudely awoken by little chipmunks daring to crawl into my sleeping bag with me.

7:30am marked the rise of our campsite. we huddled into the car and headed for McDonalds, but ended up at some dive jon knew of from his annual company fishing trip to brookings. through bloodshot eyes we happily sipped our coffee and exchanged horror stories of the night before.

we had camped, and survived.

Never Been Good at Posting After A Week of Nothing

this could go in a hundred different directions: i could write about how much fun it was to have my parents here with me for a glorious 6.5 days, i could write about how stinken busy we were and how by the end of the week conrad was so out of whack we all thought he had entered the Terrible Twos on bad crank, i could write about all the places we went to and things we did and what we ate and what we said and how enduring it is to be around my father and his zany tactics and behavior, and i could also write about my perfect mother and how she made everything just as perfect as her perfect little perfect self.

but truth be told, or written, that's a lot to write about and now that the house is empty and conrad is returning to sanity i'm realizing ALL the grown up things i need to tend to. like, paying bills. and returning calls from a week ago.

i seriously forgot the world existed while they were here. we just had too much to do to be bothered by the hodrum; i was determined to soak up every second of their visit, and i feel i did i pretty good job at it. of course, it does little in the I STILL MISS YOU LIKE HELL department, but it did wonders in the I'M NO LONGER QUITE AS HOMESICK department.

word on the street is that my sister and eric are planning a visit out here in september. there will be a new baby but i know i'll be past ready for some more quality time with The Family that makes me happy to be family.

They're Here!

early sunday morning my parents had finally arrived. for what seems like EONS now i have been patiently awaiting their visit. this trip marks their first time to come here Together, and a torturous eighth months since I/We saw them last. and with those eight months i have had more than enough time to plan their every second here, starting with Avenue of Giant Bolders, Becky's Cafe, and Crater Lake (seen in the picture on the left, behind my mother who always seems to be blinking in every cameo). i have been up to Crater Lake a few times, but this trip up i too was surprised to see the 12 feet of snow still on the ground. though snow in and of itself in june really blew my beach bum parents away. for thirty minutes straight all my father could muster was, "SNOW! THEIRS SNOW ON THE GROUND!".


the really amazing thing to me however is how conrad has seemed to not miss a beat with the grandparents he only sees twice a year. it hadn't been a hour and conrad was requesting to give my mom a kiss, and wanting to trade hats with my dad.

i probably won't have a lot time to blog this week, let alone be on the computer, though i'll try. like i mentioned, i have every second of every day mapped out. today was the "medford attractions", ya know, a trip to the Rogue Creamery ( their bleu cheese took the 1st, or maybe it was 3rd, place for the best bleu cheese in some International contest. it's kinda a big deal if you live here or into cheese awards at all.) , a trip to some fancy schmancy chocolate store ( their were actually chocolateres drizzling colored chocolate onto truffles and stirring buttered cremes!), then to the Harry and David store. me and my father were going to take this time during conrad's nap and hit the Roxy Ann winery, nothing more heart warming than a father and pregnant daughter hitting the winery for some vino in the middle of the day, but we both decided a nap would kick ass more. yet here i am...while he naps.

conrad could teach seminars on FOCUS and DETERMINATION.

dear dallas (mostly, pregnant women in dallas),

do you have any idea how lucky you are to have so many yummy eateries at every corner? do you? i said, DO YOU!!!???!!!!

when i was pregnant with conrad( i won't even bother mentioning the countless, tittering on gazillions, of times i wasn't pregnant and none the less) i l-o-n-g-e-d for the number two at allgood, the pulled chicken casserole from chuys, the queso at los lupes, sushi from blue fish, a chicago dog from harry's hot dogs, a burger and milkshake from jakes, the chef salad at tabc, oh and i could go on and on. the cravings would swell up in me, making me unable to focus on simple tasks like being content, or, making meals myself.

unequivocally, the hardest aspect of adjusting to life in medford, oregon hasn't been coping with the long and rainy winters, or that the closest buffalo exchange is a couple hundred miles away, or that culture here is non-existent, or even that there are some days where the only social interaction i receive is from the bank teller or the cashier at target. no. those have not been the most challenging obstacles i've had to deal with, what is-is the UTTER lack of good/mediocre restaurants that exist in this valley. *with the exception of the sushi restaurant jon and i stumbled upon two weeks ago. that place kicked ass.* i honestly didn't think places like this valley i call Home existed in this world. i was clueless. i assumed everywhere had at least a FEW good restaurants, or dives, or cafes. but a complete wash?!? seemed impossible to imagine. then i moved here and was pregnant and the cravings began; i dreamed of huevos rancheros and pancakes, of barbeque and fried okra, of queso, rivers of velvety queso!, of cheesecake factory and of fireside pies.

jon and i would head out on friday nights and saturday mornings trying new, recommended places, but they were all terribly sub-par, and for the asked price, we felt like we were being rapped in the ass. still, we've perservered. and there have been moments of redemption: morning glory out in ashland does make a tasty breakfast, though if it were a tad cheaper, i feel it would be more just for what their serving; and then there is roadhouse grill, which has a decent tri-tip, though i venture to assume, if the same tri-tip were served somewhere in dallas, one might enjoy it though never think about it again. and of course, the sushi restaurant wasabi, a hole in the wall, that when jon and i visited was so jam packed those who had to wait had to wait outside. wasabi is actually a sushi bar that would thrive in dallas or any city for that matter: the rolls were TASTY, and fresh, and most importantly, completely worth every penny.

but today i'm not craving sushi, or steak. today i WANT a clubhouse sandwich with a side of salty fries.

but where? i'll answer myself: No Where!!! it's hopeless, and i must get it through that head of mine it's not going to happen. just like the days where all i want is good bbq that...don't happen, and the days where desert from La Duni would make my entire world...don't happen, this too, won't happen.

so hear me dallas, and go eat out!

"the gnashing of underwear"

the perfect title for a porn-drama.

emoutional rollercoaster

like most aggrievances, things usually start with a single domino knocking over the next, and then the next, till the kinetic torrent reaches it's grand finale...triggering a bad mood. unfortunately for me and everyone that comes in my path, i start the day in motion thanks to pregnancy mood swings. this morning it was a trip to the grocery store with conrad that sent me over the edge. up until last week shopping with conrad was less than desirable but still do-able, then one bright beautiful moody day we were at Target-i was picking through the sale rack looking for maternity clothes talking to conrad all the meanwhile. it hadn't been, oh i don't know, a minuet or two, when i looked up from the floral prints to see that conrad had been busy doing some shopping of his own: he had in fact pulled an entire row of shirts from off the rack and into our cart. as i went to re-hang them up and try to convey why we shouldn't do such things, he went to pull them back down. at this juncture conrad was in the back of the cart, being in the front where i could semi-control him, had already been decided against within the first few seconds of walking in/climbing up my head so i wouldn't be able to maneuver his legs into the front of the cart. i then decided he absolutely needed to be exactly where he would fight me not to be, and he did. the saga went on and alas i left with a few things i had gone there for and a few snacks i had not. it was the beginning of the end.

this mornings trip was no different. except for at the grocery store conrad wanted to open and eat everything i threw in the cart: the box of cherrios, the unwashed grapes, the still greenish bananas, the goldfish crackers, the gallon of milk, the block of cheese, and the twix candy bar i was hoping to enjoy all to myself. and every time i would stop to look at something he would stand up (safety straps don't work for him because he has already figured out how those work) and lunge with a glee into my arms as if we were at the park and doing so was as perfectly normal as willy wonka enslaving ompa lompa's to work in his psychedelic candy compound is.

so there in the bread aisle i am struggling to keep him from standing up whilst emitting a cool, patient composure; i have stopped the cart and with a hurting back, a sharp pain in my vagina from the hernia, i'm earnestly explaining to conrad why it is so important he keep his tushie down while he is in the cart when a mom with a sleeping infant interrupts me and asks if she can get by.

*please allow for a long pause*

i turned around. glared. and pushed us out of the way.

by all means it was an acceptable request, however, my mind played something like this:

sure i'm in the way and even though you could just back up four feet and go around me it is totally acceptable that i should have to stop what i'm trying to do so i can listen to your screechy voice and let you by. but no. it's not. because i'm 7 months pregnant and by virtue of that my body already hates me and my emotions are everywhere and here i am at the friggin grocery store with a toddler who wants nothing more than to push the cart into other people and displays of stacked cereal boxes, and you dear mrs. new mother, well, you'll know better one day and i hope you remember me and this look of disgust i am giving you now.

i left the grocery store in the baddest of moods, but thanks to pregnancy mood swings, the pendulum has already swung the other way and i no longer do i want to feed that mothers baby to a pack of hungry wolves.

entirely uninteresting unless you've been there too

if money grew on trees, or jon was a doctor, this is the stroller i'd be a complete idiot over. but seriously isn't she a beaut. completely infant to toddler capable, light weight, sporty, oh and yes, almost $1000. for about two months now i've been perusing craigslist, not too terribly serious, but wanting to know and see what's out there, if this is out there. so far, it's not. i'm also keeping my fingers crossed i come across a stellar infant car seat at a great price. i don't want to buy another shitty eddie bauer/graco-esque infant carrier for $50 only to be bargained down to sell it for $5 at my next yard sale; conrad was only in his for a few months, and i mean a few. i know some people get six or nine months use out of theirs but my little guy was so long that it was either face the roundabout (which i venture to state, that by the time we retire it-it will have been worth the $220 we paid for it) backwards or secure his legs to the back of the headrest with some fishing twine.

who knows though. this next one could be much more timely with his growth spurts and i could actually rationalize buying a new, poor quality, not worth the price tag, car seat. he could also cry all night, he could hate my breast milk, he could like being swaddled, and he could demand being carried instead of pushed.

conrad was such an easy going, awesome baby that i feel like i'm a first time mom all jittery with not knowing what to expect.

like what sort of double stroller i'll finally come to reality with.

Pregnormous

you've seen those shows where the kid wakes up crying from a bad dream and the mother rushes in and wipes the tears and calms the fear with a soft voice and song, then you know she usually lays in bed with the child and the two of them fall asleep next to one another in the most enduring of ways.

well i bet that mom wasn't pregnant, because if she was she would have been me last night-just too darn pregnormous to lay in a toddler bed without the sounds of wood chips splintering at the notion of holding my weight.

i am getting huge. it no longer matters what i wear, how i wear it, i just feel whale-like. and the sad part is, i still have 2 more months to go. no longer can i go down without letting out groans as i attempt to raise my body back up, or walk without slightly waddling, or wash my hands in a public restroom without getting a line of water across my shirt. and everywhere i go, everyone i meet, wants to know when i'm due, what i'm having, how many is that for me, have i picked out a name, who my ob is; informing me about the trials of having two so close in age, how wonderful it will be for them when the get older, and so on and so on. of course, such inquiry is nice, but it is still none the less small talk, and i hate small talk. i'm constantly fighting the urge to be inappropiate, to answere a question with a reply that makes the person extremely uncomfortable and me exteremly amused.

alas, this is my third trimester, and at least i have a month or so before the "you like your going pop" comments become a subsitute for casual salutations and i can no longer do things like shave my legs without falling over in the shower. though for the time being, and on, it does little for those middle of the night norman rockwell/full house images i'd like to re-inact.

there in brookings, oregon, a small town on the coast of the pacific, jon pointed this sign out to me,"a day at the beach is worth a month in town".

the day before our sunday spur of the moment road trip i had been cursing the northwest-muttering obscenities, self loathing my existence as i laid on the coach, wishing to be elsewhere, dumbfounded why so many adored this place i hated. then sunday afternoon, with jon at the wheel and conrad asleep in his car seat, pushing down 101, with the great blue pacific ocean in front of me and cliffs covered in moss and ferns and azalea bushes and purple irises to the side of me, behind me, around me, my heart began whispering sweet nothings of the wonderful northwest landscape to my mind, and at hearing it i chuckled. how easily the heart can change when provided the proper element.

we began this mini-vacation late sunday morning. the day before had been a beating, a beating in boredom, so jon and i both agreed even though gas prices were $4.00 a gallon (and more along the way. like $4.33!), and we shouldn't be spending money on anything not on the List, not to mention, the forecast swore it was going to be nothing but showers and a high of 58 practically everywhere in oregon, that we absolutely needed to go somewhere. and after tossing around places in the 3 hour drive range, we decided on the coast. i packed a suitcase not even sure if we would stay overnight but just in case.

our first stop was the Redwood National Forest. my absolute favorite place on earth, apart from that place on a massage table. there is something about said forest that sends my imagination into a wild frenzy, as if a magical book had just opened and i was swallowed into the pages. it is a sight to behold: trees the size of skyscrapers making a green canopy overhead and the ground, which periodically swoops down creating a sharp crevice, all covered in lush ferns and giant clovers. there in that enchanted place we stretched our legs, i peed behind a redwood, and conrad turned a giant stump into a playground.

but on we pressed to the water, and by the time we arrived conrad, who had been incessantly repeating Be, Be, Be (that is for beach) for the past two and a half hours, had fallen asleep. in that moment we had a choice: 1.) stop, wake up conrad, and play in brookings-possibly stay the night but possibly go home later, or, 2.) keep tugging and drive 90 more miles to bandon- another great coastal town- get a hotel, and spend the following day introducing conrad to things like tidal pools, clam chowder, light houses, and panoramic views.

jon and i both being road trip junkies and enjoying reminiscing the trips we took to the coast when dating, we kept driving. and had it not been for life making adults out of us in the past few years, i venture to say, we probably would still be driving this afternoon-on our way to british columbia.

like times past, we drove straight down to the pier to tony's crab shack. but unlike in times past, after seeing how much they hiked the price on crab, we opted to forgo the crab experience and instead get conrad a grilled cheese and chowder. from the pier it was to the Be, and from the Be to a best western across from the ocean.

*by the way, i accidentally stumbled upon a trip saver tip and saved $50 when i honestly expressed to the front desk clerk our inability to fork over the amount she had informed me a room would be. not too shabby.

settling into our room i discovered i had forgotten pajamas, warm clothes for the next day, and toiletries. conrad was set. jon was set. but me, as a mother, i'm finding i do this alot: forget about me. that night was a long night: conrad had woken up at 3am and wanted in bed with me ( i choose a room with two queens so conrad could sleep with one of us while the other still got sleep if that was the way the cards played, and it did). but sleeping with a toddler is a play on words, and sleeping in a dress in a bed you can't stop wondering how clean the sheets really are and what the escape plan will be if the tsunami siren goes off and ohmygoshiwishicouldbrushmyteeth, isn't sleep at all.

walking out of our hotel room and being greeted with a salty coolness in the air, the gentle sounds of the early morning waves in the distance, and the sight of conrad walking in front of me with his one arm swinging like an eager soldiers gun, i was immediately revived.

memorial day was spent doing all those Things we had hoped to introduce conrad to. logistically, it was an unnecessary expense. but holding hands on the beach with my husband and child, it gave meaning back, and memory forward.

behind him is the ocean.

lighthouse, port ortford.

climbing up in the lighthouse.

fog on the hills, smith river.

jon throwing rocks in for conrad's amusement.

conrad in front of our hotel room in bandon.

morning on the beach, barefoot.

ah, this one warms my heart: hand in hand.

one to compare.

we had just CLEANED out my car before the trip
so conrad and jon clean the sand off their feet before getting in.

lovely.

yes, that is conrad torturing a poor little sand shrimp.

so PNW.

on the dock in bandon.

$18 will get you the tastiest, freshest crab your mouth has ever had the priviledge of knowing.

this made me just a little nervous.

yet here we are.

climbing the rocks was conrad's preferred beach activity.

the giant stump in the Redwoods.

and the base of the tree.