Tuesday, December 28, 2004


this may be the longest break from blogging in my two and a half year stint doing this thing. you wouldn't believe how, literally, in demand me and my time are. we might be hotter than lindsey lohan or scarlett johansberg. might, i re-iterate, humbly. and humbly because, unlike my similaties fast and glamorous lives, i have had time to sit in front of my computer, in my pjs two nights since my last post, and, write two, very, rough drafts; in addition to the fact that my life isn't in the least a tad bit glamorous. but that's on the dl. as to the posts in waiting- one was about christmas shopping on christmas eve and the other about the tsunami in asia. both have left me a little contemplative, a little distraught, and alot drained. at this very moment in time, i'm sitting at the end of the bar here at my work. so, obviously, i'm also a little distracted. just wanted to leave something before i go to new york tomorrow.

Friday, December 24, 2004

one of the best phrases i 've heard lately was in an interview on npr about christmas music, highlighting the segment was a review of the oc's christmas cd, "have a very merry chrismukkah". the critic referred to the show, oc, as having an element of, "profound superficialism". this he went onto to conclude aided in the landscape of the albumn. but it was the phrase, not the songs or the final word of the review that stuck to me. like glue.

just earlier this afternoon as i connected the dots from one store to another, in haste to finish my christmas shopping before the stores finished their christmas eve work day, my mind, without warning or instigation, went there-back to that phrase. and i couldn't help but notice- in marketing attempts, in my fellow shoppers, in myself, at how we're all obsessed with it, with profound superficialism. it's not something i would ever want to admit: being a ridiculous by-product of pop dichotomy, but it's worth noting for the sake of honesty, that i do. every period in time is given an age: the age of reason, the age of enlightenment, the dark age, the age of imperialism, and now, the age of profound superficialism.

Thursday, December 23, 2004

kate and i, sitting on the floor in target, stared lustily at the fondue kit marked down to $25 from $40. neither of us had ever, up until this moment, thought of owning our very own we admitted. hours before, we were enjoying the remarkable december weather on a patio just blocks away and somehow, without being aware of it, our day had progressed to christmas shopping.

the fondue kit was like nothing i had ever seen; it was shiny and sheek and i thought about the late night snacks i could make for jon and i with it, and how rad that would be. then i contradicted the radness with practicality, and thought about how rad it would be to have a tv, or let's say pots and pans first.

Sunday, December 19, 2004

hands down, the best (blog)compliment to date:

"your words are serious and steeped in conviction. your pictures are silly and smothered with slapstick. you seem like an appropriate blend of frowns and grins. like a spork."

Saturday, December 18, 2004

i don't know which is worse: vomiting out whatever seems to come up the fastest, or, not vomiting at all.

and by vomiting, i'm meaning: writing, relating, revealing, and sharing.

time is more popular than ever these days; and i, myself, am barely able to allocate ten minuetes for myself, let alone reflect on anything past the peripheral of the obsolete. like right now, it's 4:10am. i've worked 15hours. i'm beat.

perhaps soon, i'll find the time to ruminate and marinate in the days events; in the changing seasons; in my, dare i admit above a whisper of vulnerability, inamorato; in the music blasting at my chest, and the masterpiece of all that which it accompanies and embodies.

until then, i have my vices in place: a bottle of spanish red wine, a box of chocolates, and richard ashcrofts voice-that right there isn't a bad place to start and end.

Friday, December 17, 2004

blessed house slippers

during the course of my day many a things i set to accomplish. one of which is laundry. i think it's been over a week since i put my lights into the washer, and in the washer they have stayed. luckily for me, work requires i wear black. however, not luckily for me, i'm fresh out of socks and my floors are hardwood; hardwood that feels like a frozen pond during this time of the year. but i have house slippers, little balernia house slippers with beads. their my very first pair and after their rescue this evening, i'm pretty sure, a lifelong neccesatity. either that or socks that grow on a tree...like my money one.

Saturday, December 11, 2004

winter comes, winter goes but jean jackets last forever.

this is dallas not detriot and definately not moscow-i've skated through every chilly winter since the days of my parents buying me clothes, without one... apart from the peroidical jean jacket and over sized scarf (if that even counts). mostly because (a.)i didn't want to spend x amount of my paycheck on one, partially because (b.)i'm so damn practical and knew living in the dirty south that there is no real need, and alot because (c.) knowing myself and the amount i would be able to spend, i knew i wouldn't be able to afford the type of jacket i would want.

this year however things have a new spin; a big apple spin. yep, me and the honnies( belle, sj, rach, and jackie) will be boarding jet planes at the end of this month to spend new years eve in new york city. and from what weather.com tells me, a brrrrrr new york, new york.

i'm planning on packing more jeans and trousers than i will skirts, and that's a first. and the skirt i am packing, because i plan things this far ahead, it's true, when worn, will be worn with stockings underneath. green stockings at that (the homolicious sales guy at club monaco revealed to me that if he was a girl he would live in colored stockings. how could any girl resist such a pitch, huh?). in my planning mode i also succembed to the fact that i need to get a real deal winter coat for the new york nights ice-skating in rockerfeller center or the afternoon walk around central park looking for the modern or the strolls back to our place in soho after nightcaps at a restaurant. and i'm trying. i'm trying so damn hard to find one i like. i've even taken the lid of my piggy bank and decided to let my heart yearn after whatever it feels like yearning after. which has entailed thus far: club monaco, a/x, regular priced gap, jcrew, banana republic, and marc jacobs online; and after weeks of this sort of unleashed girl gone wild flights of fancy and mall scavenging, i've yet to find a jacket. i've bought two. returned two. have none.

anyone with suggestions will be worshiped and praised. i'm looking for something well fitted, warm, and that doesn't have a V cut to it. i'm willing to entertain the idea of faux fur lining, as that seems to be"all the rage", but i prefer to keep it simple, cute, and sophisicated. black is ideal. leather is not. it's 4am. i give this as a disclaimer if this post is horribly incoherent and lame. the spelling and grammar blunders, everyone knows, have nothing to do my sharpness, but merely, my private school edimaction. *wink-wink*

sweet dreams.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

concerning mankind: things i can't stand

-the use of um's and uh's in one's speech.
-over chatty women.
-men who walk like their on steroids.
-people who say they're ready to order then breeze the menu while you stand there, as if your not busy and the world revolves around them.
-people who try to seem intelligent. subtle intelligence(and ignorance) is a lost art if you ask me.
-unwarranted opinions and power trips.
-people not turning right in the right hand lane at a red light.
-people having conversations on their cell phones while hanging out with friends or in the car with someone else. my mother never allowed us to talk on the phone with another friend if we had a friend over and i think if more people would have had a mother as set on being proper and courtesies as mine, the world would be a better place.
-people with a basket over pouring with groceries in the 10 items or less lane.
-people with a basket over pouring with groceries in the 10 items or less lane who don't offer to let you, the person behind them with a pint of ice-cream and laundry detergent, go ahead of them.
-people who assume more than they don't; and people who make judgements about you, or who you are, without really knowing anything about you. geezes, i wish it was acceptable to stick my tongue out at such people.
-people who gossip as if they're not really gossiping.
-shady mechanics. i'm sick of men thinking they can prey on my wallet just because i'm a little girl,who in reality, doesn't really now that much about engines and brakes. but still, fcck you shady mechanic!
-liter bugs. ewhhhhhhhh, this subterranean species of mankind irks me the most. how hard is it to wait till your at the gas station to throw away the sack from arby's?!? come on now!
-loud people.
-children at nice restaurants.
-the mind set that: what the minority wills should over-power what the majority wills.

and on that i'll wink and wince.

Monday, December 06, 2004

"big city missie"...?!?

for years i ate, drank, and slept the idea of moving somewhere else. dallas was mundane and i was over it, so i thought. but the day came, without warning, and i began to love-to understand, all this fine city had to offer; i began to feel like i belonged to a scene that wouldn't be the same without me--but mostly, i created some absolutely incredible "once in a lifetime" friendships.

i've never really understood the appeal of the suburbs, not for the life of me. while dallas may not be a mecca of the metropolitan lifestyle, it neverless has a certain mystical air of 'the city' to it. for example: we take cabs to
bars, we eat at restaurants with sous chefs, we shop at boutiques specializing in euro fashion, we walk our dogs on sunny days, we spend sunday mornings listening to live jazz while we enjoy brunch, we know good music and good wine, we read the new york times and love our starbucks, and we frequent touring art exhibitions. damnit, we are city-hear us roar!

and so, the thought of leaving all this behind is really difficult to fathom...but as it thought of living without jon.


i have have some seriuos thinking to do, obviously.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

it's 2:30am and i'm up...making penut n'butter toast, reading(well, was reading) the others blogs, and listening to parachutes. this whole, "burning the midnight oil" thing is purely accidental. so is listening to parachutes. now, the pb toast on the other hand, for that i would wake up in the middle of the night for, intentionally and purposefully. i would even, dare i lie, scale the great wall of china for just one delicious bite. add honey and bananas, and i'd even go back to highschool...for a day.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

could you put a heart on your rubber first, please. (this post is brought to you by being awake really late and a distant, but relatable, subject from candied ginger concerning coffee, the overwhelming and, in this case, unsuccessful disfranchisement of personal predilection from "lifeless homogeny" activists, and christmas.)

across the globe, on december 1st, aids awareness and human rights groups rally for the attention of the world. their message: a.)"HIV is an issue for everyone", and b.) "the only way we can stop it spreading is by creating a more AIDS Aware society in which everyone takes action".

and so, the powers that be, from here in the united states to south africa, implement various campaigns and channel millions, if not billions, of dollars in the effort that these various campaigns will be, hopefully, successful.

in china, after years of the chinese government denying that AIDS was a growing epidemic, president hu jintao went to an AIDS hospital and shook patients hands. other asian countries, such as thailand, have committed to raise awareness that woman and children are at high risk to be infected due to gender inequalities that force woman in marriages with husbands that frequent infected prostitutes. in germany, they measured the size of their penises. no shit. in south africa, where a quarter of the population carries the HIV virus, government officials renewed their vows to promote prevention, tackle stigma and discrimination and speed up distribution of antiretroviral drugs which keep the virus at bay. here in the states, we to renewed our vows to work with a wide array of partners to support and sustain HIV/AIDS prevention, treatment, and care strategies; that political leaders and opinion makers at all levels will speak out on the grave dangers of the disease and against stigma and discrimination and help to disseminate accurate, life-saving information.

this vow goes beyond our borders and to the door of botswana, of cote d’ivoire, of ethiopia, of kenya, of mozambique, of namibia, of nigeria, of rwanda, of south africa, of tanzania, of uganda, of zambia, of haiti, and of guyana--where this vow takes the shape of fifteen million dollars. here at these green piles of millions of dollars non-governmental organizations, including faith- and community- based groups; private corporations; donor and developing governments; and international organizations such as the joint united nations program on HIV/AIDS, the world health organization, and the global fund all contest for more funding.

the legislation responsible for creating and implementing the emergency plan for AIDS relief plan also emphasizes the use of the 'abc' model (abstain, be faithful, use crubbers) ,which has been (albeit my their own claims) proven effective in uganda, where the adult prevalence rate of about 5% - one of the lowest in sub-saharan africa - represents a reduction of more than 50%. this though has funding dependent organizations with a thing against christainity/bush panties all up in a knot. mary crewe, director of the centre for the study of AIDS at the university of pretoria, revolted with this statement against the 'abc' model,

"ABC is a middle-class, middle-aged response to an epidemic, all overlaid with a kind of morality that doesn't hold any more."

she said that on these grounds,

"In countries where there are very high levels of sexual activity around, with social dislocation, family breakdowns, sugar daddies, with young people bored and with nothing to do, to suddenly come in and say you should stop having sex is absolutely ludicrous."

while that statement sounds as ludicrous as her supposing encouraging abstinence from horny kids vulnerable to a cureless killer virus is ludicrous, the remainder of what she told an afp reporter is worth considering: that women who faced coercive sex from a husband who had been infected by a prostitute and young girls pressured into marriage or coaxed into intercourse with an older, infected man; that in these situations, the problem was not abstinence, fidelity or even condoms, but rights, legal protection, female empowerment, education and poverty.

so...i ask myself,

"if we're encouraging the use of condoms, but it won't help-and if we're encouraging abstinence, but it can't help either, than what-what in the hell are all these groups bitching about the 'abc' model not working as well as the encouragement of rubbers would?!?"

the fact is, the 'abc' model sure does encourage men to pull that rubber hose up and over mr.happy- but with the recent statistics released, the most prevalent concern should no longer be about the education and availability of condoms but on what are we going to do about poverty in these countries; what are we going to do to empower these woman to have a choice in what jobs they can have, what man they will marry and divorce if his wanker ventures to a whore and more importantly, when and with whom they will or will not have sex with. that is what these groups should be crying bloody murder over. the fact that they are not and instead crying boohoo over a model that emphatizes (in addition to the rubbers don't forget) a moral that resembles a christian moral that bush so happened to implement, makes me wonder,

"what are these groups in it really for?!?"

Monday, November 29, 2004

i swear i just heard gun shots- and now i'm aware of all the different sorts of noises right outside my window, like june bugs hitting against the glass and rain drops falling through the chilly winter air tap dancing on the autumn leaves below; everything, collectively, faint and eerie. i'm reaching for yo la tengo. something familiar, for warmth and melancholy. a cup of hot cocoa sounds nice, too.

Sunday, November 28, 2004

head on revised

with coffee and a cranberry orange muffin in hand, i arrived early saturday morning at the restaurant ready to start pulling out the white fairy lights and fluffing reaf after reaf. i may not be the biggest fan of christmas, but i'm definately a, decorating for any occasion, guru. a few years ago i was hired to do some freelance decorating work at the anatole hotel for the infamous crystal ball. we spent three non-stop days transformimg a conference room into a winter wonderland. i was industrious and energetic throughout the entire process- and by the end of that third day, a christamas decorating professional.

this time around however i was sluggish and worse than that: i was the furthest thing away from being creative. my mind was somewhere else and my stomach was twisted up in knots. i had come head on with the realization that i had been a complete ass wipe to someone dear to me. the flood gates had been opened; the revelation of my recent behavior in light of said dear one's recent behavior was hitting me in tidal waves, one right after another and i was mortified by it.

after what little decorating i had accomplished, i raced home, and not wanting to be a pain in the ass by bothering dear ones movie day, i typed away painfully and sincerely into an email.

the past few days i've been realizing alot about myself-and none of it is good. for example: i make up reasons for, not only my intentions, but the causes as well. instead of being honest about what my intentions and the causes truely are. not because i want to be deceptive or anything like that, but because, i'm deathly afraid of the vulnerability that is found in admitting and stating the truth, so much that half the time i don't even realize i'm doing it until i'm basking in the aftermath from it. it's true: i'm a decoy addict.

Saturday, November 27, 2004

first time for, almost, everything

traveling abroad does more than broaden your world view and outlook on life: it forces you to eat things that, typically, you would never fathom as enjoyable let alone edible. or at least, for me. since my adventures across the big blue sea and border patrol, i've cultivated the "don't knock it till you try it" mentality when it comes to not only food but also to music and film and art and hypothetical musings. so many likes and interests have come from this cliche that when something new blows my way, unless it's hard core narcotics, sexual perversion, or just plain ol' absurdity, i'm typically the first one eager and willing to sink my teeth into it. but tonight at work as the hot asian chic gravitated towards me with her lips nearly brushing mine, i had no desire to taste and see what kissing another girl might be like. and it was the perfect scenario too...of course, had i decided to try it before i knocked it. she was indeed very beautiful, a complete stranger who had given me a drag of her clove cigarette back at the table; but now we were in the bathroom, alone. i was pulling my curls back into a pin. she, i assumed, was waiting to wash her hands but after she pulled in the first time, i then re-assumed, she was wanting to smell my aveda scented hair. the second time however she asked. and after the third time she finally gave up. it was the kind of moment that secrets are suppose to be made of, if only you have the desire to make such a secret. i, on the other hand, did not. as she turned to walk away, she told me "too bad". i hate to admit it but, i don't agree.

Friday, November 26, 2004

her face was suprisngly warm with kindness. my arm reached out to hand her the owed five dollars and fourty cents, it was thanksgiving day. a day most people spend with their families; with their loved ones, basting a turkey, eating handfuls of olives while sitting togather in the living room watching football. this year however, i was sitting in my car at a jack n' the box drive through window listening to the oldies; feeling lonely, missing my family and our traditions; wishing for something so far out of my grasp. i was wanting to apologize. i was wanting to explain myself to her: on why people like me were having to make her work on such a holiday but she didn't seem to mind in the least, and so i smiled with tears in my eyes, and with my other hand, grabbed the paper bag. no exchanging of holiday cheer just business as usual.

Monday, November 22, 2004

my cheating heart

we met on a bright and sunny summer afternoon. i didn't know what to expect; i had heard so many wonderful things about him that i was both nervous and excited in the same breath. see, the one before him was always late for our appointments and when we did meet i don't think we understood eachother at all. but with alex, it was different. it was magic. he knew what i wanted but moreso, what i needed: warm blonde highlites with a chocolate color underneath and a claire danes-esque hair cut.

after our very first time together i knew i had found what i had been looking for in all those other salons with all those other hair dressers and that was someone who knew what in the fcck they were doing not trying to do. instead of emulating his style or trying to give me a cut and color that is percieved to be hip, alex had given me a do based on understanding that i liked things to be kept simple, practical, while still being unique and cute.

the only, and i mean only, bad thing about alex are his prices. don't get me wrong, he's totally worth every last penny of it...that is, if you have every last penny of it....which, i don't. but even if not being able to afford alex means living with split ends for two more months, i'd happily do it. it's just the thing is-is that there's this guy i work with. he's nearly through with hair school and is dying to "do anything to that mess"....and god, it's true. tony being eccentricly homosexual and with a heart made of gold has even offered to do it for zilch.

a girls got to do what a girls got to do.


Sunday, November 21, 2004

this weekends check list

-over all, be un-impressed with modern art.
-drink a pitcher of strawberry ritas at joe t's with rachel.
-make blueberry muffins from scratch while slightly stoned.
-stand up to the prick in line at the grocery store.
-receive note and rose on windshield from total stranger.
-see the bridget jones diary sequel with two of my
best friends.
-save disoriented squirrel from immanent death.

Saturday, November 20, 2004

the M stands for Meek, bitch.

for years i've accounted the void of my personal success to lacking perserverance. but tonight, as i was watching the other cocktail waitress, michelle, make all my money, it hit me: i'm just not aggressive.

michelle and i have an agreement: whomever takes the lounge the first night takes the tables the next night because the tables is where the money is at and the lounge is where people who just want water while they wait for their reservation; or where people who tell you they don't want a drink then walk straight up to the bar and get four martinis which they will inevitably take back to the lounge and leave the glasses when their done, sit.

on friday night i typically take the tables because i'm the first one to get there, however, this past friday i took the lounge seeing as how i had already a few patrons in the lounge area by the time michelle got to work and keeping the tables in addition to what i already had would have resulted in michelle watching me make all the bens. it wasn't ideal for me but i did it; i did it even though i knew big fat tab mike madono was going to be sitting in the table section; i did it because michelle agreed that the tables would be mine the next night. i was cool.

then tonight, as i went to greet my first table, michelle informed that our manager wanted her to have the tables and that was i was going to be in the lounge again. nearing the end of the month when rent is due and approaching is a nye's trip to new york city, i was too finicially strapped to take it in stride; plus, my feelings were hurt. i found our manager and asked why i had been put in the lounge after i had already been there once that weekend. she was clueless as to what in hell i was talking about. it seemed to be that michelle had lied. after interogation, i found out the truth. the truth: because michelle got there first she felt justified in claiming the tables, hoping i wouldn't second guess the evenings orders. it was an aggresive move. it was a move that resulted in her making probably about $150 more than me.

opposite from the night before when i helped her out by bussing, tonight i watched leisurely and vindictively as she couldn't handle the tables and bitched and huffed like the little uptown-gold-digging -princess she is.

another manager noticing i wasn't my usual self, that my smile had been turned upside down, took me aside to find out what was up. i explained it all and he replied, as if it was normal, "that's just the type of world we live in." and to that i responded, "not in my world".

and that's the thing, i don't care enough about success or wealth or, for that matter, money in general, to abide by the "survival of the fittest" rules. our existence is so short-i don't understand these people who waste it being so concerned with materialism and status (be it finicial, intellectual, social, or spiritual.) that they fail to ever be genuinely happy and content; that they fail to live and let live; that they fail to be nice and respectful of others. often when driving in my car, gazing out at buildings or sitting in traffic, i'm reminded how small my and the rest of civilizations signifance is in the scheme of life. not of life as we imagine it-but life in it's infinite sense. it's humbling really.

there is nothing i can say that can't be said: the beatles had it right all along.

Friday, November 19, 2004

"a roll of film?!?"

i'm known to be one, from time to time, to misplace my keys, lock my keys in my car, leave my asthma inhaler at a bar, lose my drivers license, and my head. a few years ago the night before my trip to romania, i went to the cheesecake factory for an 'all american' farewell dinner and martini. the next morning as i collected the neccesary objects to go in my carry on i realized i had no idea where my passport was. paniced and growing grey hair by the second, i called everywhere i had been the day before. which meant, the day before a big trip, there were many a places to call. after numerous failed inquiries, i finally found it at the cheesecake factory, and raced as fast my little suv would go to pick it up. after that incident, i thought i would never misplace something so valueable ever ever again.

yesterday was jon's birthday. he turned 28 years old. for the past three weeks i have been tirelessly putting togather his present. a week before i knew i needed to send it for it to get there in time, i also knew, i had a few more knicks to smooth out before i could begin to complete it. what i didn't realize, was that the two weeks prior work, was lost; and this i realized today.

i've searched high and low. i've re-cleaned my spotless room in hope that, somehow in the heat of yesterdays battle, i overlooked seeing it. i've sunk to levels of unchartered dementia- visioning a legion of fleas with red bandanas around their head, triumphantly carrying it away, like the cartoon of the ants at a picnic totting a ham and cheese sandwhich on their back, but in this scenerio, the devil fleas are bringing it to a p.o.w camp and later have plans to burn it at the stake. i've driven here and i've driven there. i've dug threw the trash out in the dumpster just in case, for some god only knows reason, i accidentally threw it away. i've called every place of business i can recall being at in the last two weeks, begging them to look in their lost and found. and now, now i'm on the verge of tears. i wanted so badly to give jon the best damn birthday gift in the world; i wanted to show him just how special he is to me, how special he is to so many people. he really deserves it and i really blew it.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

the battle for my sanity

last night as i laid on my bed, folding laundry, and talking to jon on the phone i felt something bite my thigh. instinctively and instantly i lifted up dress and took a swat at where the sting was coming from. after the deed was done, i lifted my hand to see exactly what had been feasting on my thigh, it was a flea and it was not dead, oh no-it jumped from my thigh and onto my bed. not wanting to tell jon that i might be sleeping with fleas, for obvious self-pride reasons, i tried to find the little bastard while still carrying on in conversation; but the little bastard wasn't alone, and, hiding my disgust could only last for so long.

as i lifted up pieces of laundry, relocated my pillows to my floor, and gazed with violation down at my covers i began to notice the little bastard wasn't living in solitude; that there was a frekkin flea fiesta in my bed; that all of his amigos and familia were hanging out right there with me. the mortification that followed was so intense that internalization and discreetness had become utterly impossible.

after a gallant attempt at alienating the enemy, i waved a white flag and jumped from my bed to my computer desk, shaking and disclothing as quickly as possible; crying out in horror and shock. jon acted as my informative, clueing me in to the 'ways of the flea'. he had seen some documentary (i love this about him-he's seen a documentary about almost everything and anything. he's like a really good looking version of ask jeeves.) about fleas and tolled me that they could live for years, going into dormancy for months at a time, fooling one that they had alleviated the pest. he also said that calling in a fumigator is seemingly pointless and so is giving patti's mangy mutes a flea dip because the fleas just aren't in the carpet or on the dogs anymore, there probably deep within furniture as well. to jon this was apparent because i have hard wood floors while the rest of the house is carpeted; plus, only once did sunshine come in my room and that was months ago when she got all freaked out because of a storm, and so for fleas to be in my bed only means the problem is just that advanced.

advanced or minute, there was no way in gods green earth that i was going to get back in my bed, let alone, sleep in it. after the conversation with jon, i gave my sister a call and set out in the middle of the night with only the clothes on my back to ross avenue.

before i got there, i decided to console myself with curly fries and the spicy chicken crispy sanwhich from jack n' the box. it indeed was comforting, so was sleeping, flea free, on belles couch. though not as comforting as declaring a full on war with the army of fleas in my bedroom would be later the next day.

i commenced the battle with stripping all bedding, including the bed skirt, and putting it in the washer. which it went through, thrice. then onto the laundry. then taking everything, and i mean everything, out of my room and sweeping the entire floor, not an inch left behind. this though meant moving my bed and that which had found residency underneath it. so of course, this lead me to finding new homes for all that shit, some of which, i found permanent accommodation for in the trash can. with the bed and furniture out of my way i decided to capitalize such an opportunity and pledge the wood paneling that goes around the bottom of the wall near the floor. this opened my eyes to the dire state of the window sills. and thus, the windows themselves. before i knew it, my room was bare. i had even pulled down my linen curtains for a ride in the washer. all said and done: i'm happy to report, i haven't seen one flea since i went ape with cleaning.

sure they might have only fled underground for a few months, but tonight, tonight i'll be sleeping with only the invited company: my sheets, my covers, my duval, my pillows, and a few erotic dreams.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

i've lost that loving feeling

i could lie, i could claim that the reason behind my absence from blogging is because i've been just SO over-whelmingly busy; or, because i was having computer problems, a virus or something like that. neither are true, but i could pretend...err, i could lie-i could avoid admitting blogger burn out.

it's happened to us all, right?!? but does blogger burn out transpire with others out there as much and often as it seems to do with me? i ask knowing; i know it doesn't. it's just, i just deleted everything i just wrote after this.


Monday, November 15, 2004


i honestly don't think i can honestly write anymore. it's all become filtered, watered down versions of the truth if not the truth being omitted altogether. perhaps that is best; this is best, keeping these things to myself, miserably watching sincerity bang itself at the four corners of release. anyways, it's so unclear, a mystery even unto me, it's creator.

i noticed the other day down at the lake this enormous pile of driftwood tittering on the cusp of the spill way. i wondered how long it would take for the conditions of the water level to push them over the edge- for them to then float down the waterfall and onto the bank below. i wondered if the driftwood would prefer the titter to possible abandonment, anyways.

oh, fffccckkk it all.

today is my mothers birthday. that is if today is still the 14th. otherwise, it's rachels. the happiest for the best i hope.

i'm listening to i am kloot. hey, it was there and i'm tired if not a tad bit drunk. my bed is covered with crap: a jacket, wrapping paper, a pen, a present, the phone, a pair of slacks, and leg warmers. i'm too tired to put any of it up and i'm too tired to take out my contacts.

this morning i went to a birthday brunch at terrillis. "h" was there. it had been so long, and so brief, since we had seen each other that he took the first ten minuets gawking over me without my glasses. sigh. i know this is the way it should be- but damn if i didn't wish we could be friends like we once were. life changes, things change, and that's cool. just sometimes, just some mornings when your enjoying that other person's company, remembering how much fun it was when the both of you would hang out together, well, it sucks and you wish with all your heart for that idealistic world that you despise other people for believing and acting in.

Sunday, November 14, 2004

sheer magnificent poetry

"We pierced the side of the idol
With the sharpened neck of an electric guitar
Bottled the water from the wound
Holy relic- the essence of star
But what does she care, it's just another blank stare
To a world that loves and hates you on a dare
Where the orphans ask the widows the meaning of 'fair'
So let this be a drink to quench this uncontrollable thirst
Tie the belt a notch tighter around anxious hearts set to burst
And when this once at least gilded cage has been
Stripped bare of flesh cold and numb
What have you done, Mark David Chapman?
Let all the desperate hours of boredom
Lead you to some meaning of truth
Bumps and bruises and notebooks for heaven's jury as proof
The emotions were shrink wrapped, sold as scraps
Choose any scene from the vending machine
Somewhere lost in the night, a satellite transmitted dream
Industrial revolutions of the soul interchangeable hearts it's manufacturing
If we wear out each other it's o.k., just go buy another
So let this be a drink to calm the shaking hands that you've found
Let this be release, forever unwound."

Saturday, November 13, 2004

pre-occupied with life: things are moving a little bit faster; there is much to do, and people to do them with.

i finally bought the diary of anais nin and would be lying if i said it had not casted itself in my dreams every night since i picked it up.

i've gotten half way through the movie about sylvia plath, twice.

after a lengthy "where are you at in life" discourse with my boss i've finally started to make head way on my "urban bound" project. three interviews tommorrow alone.

tuesday afternoon taylor, his new girlfriend, and i walked to the arborretum for a picnic. it was lovely. the weather was perfect. the grassy nole we sat on was soft. there was a cool breeze; there was ample conversation, laughter, and organic food.

at the last minute sj had to fly out to detroit for the rockettes, but not before an evening full of bellinis and plans to spend this nye in time square was had.

i saw the delgados play monday night at trees. the mix was horrendous but the pizza afterwards was frekkin delicous.

i just got back from grocery shopping. i bought:

blue corn chips
black bean dip
2 crispy apples
wid mushroom ravoli
organic blueberry waffles
a cream cheese and raspberry danish from the pastry case
bottle of bonnie doon syrah
cup of coffee
block of pryrene cheese

i now need to mail my mum a birthday card, finish working on her and jons gift, buy rachel's birthday gift and some face wash. then this evening i have to work and afterwards i'm going to see trail of the dead at the gypsy tea room.

no time for spell check or trying to seem bright.

Monday, November 08, 2004

rated D for disturbing

"I've been, uh, I've been screwing my sister. And, uh, we've been doing this for five or six years now. And, uh, um, she wants us to live together. And I don't want to do that 'cause our mother's still alive. And I don't wanna really screw up my mother. But my sister, you know, she's really, you know...she's really neat. She's really, she's really good.... She's got...she's beautiful. And, uh, you know she's like, you know, the best fuck I've ever had. And, uh, I just...you know I...I really...you know, she's really nice. But, uh, ...She wants us to live together. And, uh, ...uh, you know, and she thinks we can slip it by our mother. But, uh, I don't know what to do about it right now. So, um, I'll call you when I find out."

it's not so much the content alone i found to be so disturbing, it was also hearing the voices: muffled, raw, nervous, outlined with relief and in the very same emoution, remorse; years of crippling shame making creaks through the dialect but not so much that they sounded estranged, or even afraid. to the contrary, for some it seemed to be only mere admittance, devoid of almost any regret.

i was on my way over to rachels when i heard this apology themed program on 'this american life' earlier in the afternoon. it caught me completely off guard. hours later i'm still not quite able to articulate my thoughts or feelings that the audio clippings left me with.

some things are better left unheard.

Sunday, November 07, 2004


i woke up wednesday morning seized with giddy anticipation and fear. the night before i had decided to forgo the dreary task of watching the election slowly unravel for drinks and fellowship with friends instead. every so often throughout the day i would turn my radio knob over to either npr or sean hannity/rush limbaugh to kinda get a clue on the projection of which way the popular and electoral vote was going ; and every so often at ships that night, i would glance up at the muted television to read the score. but it wasn't till the next morning, sitting at my computer, that i felt comfortable being both extremely happy and relieved.

when i made the congratulation phone call rounds, one of the receivers, upon hearing my admittance of relief as well as joy, asked if i had been afraid that kerry was going to win. now, i might be in the heart of the bible belt and gw's home state, but the neighborhood i live in is a completely different political geographic; and the subculture i find myself in, very similar. so, yes, i was worried- all i saw were kerry stickers on aging volvos and his signs on the lawns throughout my neighborhood; and all i heard was anti-bush gabber from every plastic framed four eyes that came my way.

i had come to doubt america's ability to think with her head and not just with her heart, to see the bigger picture and not just what our petty understanding can wrap itself around at this moment, to come to a conclusion based on tangible facts and not spurious attacks and/or lofty idealism, to stand on the side that stands for what is right and not what we want to be right in so that we can call ourselves tolerable, accepting, and/or...progressive.

i genuinely feel sorry for my fellow citizens and friends who had such grand hopes that their candidate (who embodied their ideas and opinions) would be president; and while i don't necessarily agree with whom they so fervently desired to be president, i did find their idealism and passion to be a beautiful thing, and truly, as the phrase is coined, american. however, it is disheartening that some of those who supported kerry( mostly referring to international and domestic press) would now chalk the winning republican vote up as "religious based", "ignorant", "stupid", "blue-collar class", "inclined to machoism", "bush talks like them", and "not suppressed". yet still, i understand those who would be so pious as to discredit the intellect of the gop party are those who will help another republican candidate become president because of the sting such ignorant accusations us hill billy dunbfcks have felt and will remember ( unless off course were not to0 enthralled in ariostle's ethics, volunteering with a environmental group, and working our forty hour weeks to support ourselves bible thumping the pagans, cutting out star of davids for our iraqi friends, studying phonics, fueling up our xxl suvs on the way to little billy's soccer game, and ripping up democrats voter registrations- to give a shit what some british paper, the sore losers, and a few bitter npr journalists has deemed to be the culprit of a bush victory).

all in all, this past election was as ugly and as dirty as they come- and now that it's over, perhaps, we can all get back to being civilized; to being part of a bigger scheme, called life and not political parties.

cheers to four year presidential terms and pulling thumbs out of our asses.

Monday, November 01, 2004

ps-happy halloween.
the young boys

setting it up: on the other side of the window screen, the rain is pouring down in sheets; i'm wrapped up in a blanket, sitting in the living room talking to kate on the phone. she's telling me a story about how she ended up at a swingers bar the night before due to absolute naivete. little did i know then, but days later i would find myself on the other side of the phone, making a girlfriend or two laugh hysterically at my, ahem, absolute naivete.

friday night any bar/restaurant in dallas is insanely busy-so when i got a message from the hostess that a guy named "brian" called, i blew it off not out of only hast and being dumbfounded at who would call me at work, but as well, out of fear that it might be an old geezer that i had waited on and shot down on numerous occasions before. the next night, "brian" called again and this time around, i was free as a bird to decipher the mystery caller. as it turned out, his name wasn't brian, but ryan. the ryan i had met a week or two ago at the dwide when his band, which i went to see because a: my boss manages them, and b: i had made friends with the bass player at a party and had promised him i was going to come "check them out" next time; now, this ryan, is not only the said bassists younger brother, but also, is seventeen years old, in highschool, is a scorpio, hasn't yet quite decided if he'll go to prom or not, likes bukowski and red flag, and is cuter than a button. i know all this because, after their show that night back at the dwide, i found myself sitting next to the younger, and, being in a chatty little mood, spent most of the evening, excuse the repetitiousness, chatting away.

but the phone conversation at work was short and to the point:

"hanging out at dwide, if your not doing anything after work, you should come on up".

which i decided sounded like not too bad of an idea.

and so, i strolled on into the bar looking for 'the group', to my surprise, what i found instead was a quiet and adorable seventeen year old boy sitting at the bar sipping on his beverage in the non-alcoholic water cup...alone.

realizing at that moment it was going to, possibly, be just the two of us, i decided not to allow the awkwardness and embarrassment toil my 'off early' saturday night, and to the contrary, make the most of my under age date while still undoubtedly laying the foundation of "pals" as quicky as possible.

the remainder of the night went as follows:

beer and sunflower seeds
jack in the box
getting high in his car while listening to brian jonestown massacre
leaving with a side hug and a high five

whether or not my seventeen year old meant anything romantic by it, i'll never surely know. regardless, ryan was, hands down, one of my most enjoyable dates to date. maybe because he didn't try to 'get fresh' with me, maybe because it was like two new friends with loads in common pushing past the age gap and enjoying each others company; or, maybe because it seemed innocent and sweet; like absolute naivete should be.

Thursday, October 28, 2004

just moments ago, i gave up trying to find my glasses, determining they must have fallen out of my purse last night at work; and so, i went through the ordeal of putting in my contacts and preparing my responses for the "oh, my god, these are yours?!? you must be legally blind or something" comments i typically recieve when someone tries them on, which is what everyone does when cute eye glasses are found. but then, as i was pulling my chair out to slid into my desk, sight recieved, there lied the black case with cut out white flowers pinned on it within my glasses are kept, right under my freckly italian nose.

after i left the allgood, years ago,
sj tolled me customers would ask her, "where's that cute little earthy looking girl?". everyone has their own signature style-and i guess to some mine is the earth babe. i am addicted to nice fitting white t'shirts, black tank-tops, cords, flowy skirts, blue jean jackets, mary-janes, a splash of burberry brit, shimmery brown eye shadow, and mocha colored lipstick. though today, i bring my natural look to a whole new level-i'm wearing merrills, a hiking tennie shoe.

and listening to the thrills and magnetic fields. two bands, that took my interest by complete suprise. music is constantly doing that to me: making me believe i like one thing then bewildering me delightfully with something totally off the charts. it's part of the reason why i love it. in a way, i feel it knows me better than i know myself. but not near enough time is spent anymore enjoying it-turning off the lights, lighting all my candles, with the headphones on, allowing it's complexity and beauty to mesmerize me. mmmm. i highly suggest doing it with el gato and the verve.

then this morning i did something i hadn't done in years: i woke up early and went to the gym to work out. now, i would assume my idea of working out is slightly different than most peoples; still, i walked with incline for two miles. baby steps to the free weights and precor please.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

"I love you, LIKE TOTALLY!"

i miss my friend so much it hurts. fccking visas.

EC Recommended

what started as going out for dollar ritas, quickly turned into a full blown drinking fiasco. i had had a tough and sucky weekend, and nothing sounded better monday evening more than tequilla, sweet and sour mix, whateverelsegoesinit, all frozen and sloshy coupled with chips & queso, and a some good happy company.

sj comes waltzing in, giddy from who just left to join us. an extra cup of queso is ordered. a second round of ritas are requested, "no salt please". andy arrives in his supo-denim jacket, gives the "*all my friends are guys" waitress a wink. the ritas are consumed hastily, happily. again. we laugh. we chat. and now it's time to call a night.

or was it....

kate arrives better late than never. a cell phone is ringing. plans are being conversed. i'm told sj and belle's presence has been requested at the genghis grill. kates in. obviuosly, andy is in. sj is in. belle is in. i've had three margaritas, one shitty weekend still poking it's ugliness into my side, four of my good friends in arms reach, so i'm in too.

we arrive at GG and are immediately greeted with skooners of beer. then shots. then more beer. then more shots. i know my limit has already been exceeded, like back at the second rita exceeded. typically, i'm better than this. smarter, wiser, more controlled, more cool, more "oh, i better not but thanks anyways". but all logic was no where to be found, and so, i found myself stumbling over to a booth, and passing out. then over the toliet. then waking up with the lights still on. and feeling disgusting, kinda like a hangover-kinda like hell.

* the "all my guys are friends" girl: this female does not get along with other girls. she claims she relates better to the male gender than to her own, mostly because, as she will, like a robot, explain, that all girls are back biting and bitchy(subsitute with shallow for the dudish chick). and she is so not. i personally have met many of such females, and have been told, " but i like you. your different"; and despite such desperate yet admirable attempts at flattering me, have come to the conclusion that such are the worst and bitchiest of them all. and the only reason i believe the male population will befriend the bitch-in-disguise is in hope of getting in her pants or to use her to make an X jealous. as for the guy that genuinely emphatizes with said female, well, he is a work all of his own.

Saturday, October 23, 2004

the thot plickens

living with a smoker is one thing-but living with a smoker who just quit smoking is a whole other ball game. their moody, irritable, over-sensitive, and irrational...i guess because their moody, irritable, and over-sensitive. basically, their me during pms. up until this past month, patti and i had not had a single dispute or conflict of amiablity. she did her thing and i did mine. mine of course, was staying out of her way and in the shadow of being busy, social, and productive. that though was so ever slightly altered after both full-time jobs dissolved leaving me with one part time job; and my sister and best friend moved back into the country becoming semi-permanent figures around the house/room. still, i try my upmost to stay out of the way and advise my guests to do the same, especially after the first rebuttal and insight into her resolution. then this morning, i was beckoned for another "we need to talk" talks, and this time, her frustration carried hefty discontent for the state of things. but the state of things, in reality, has nothing to do with me. they have to do with her. her being irritable because her body is going through withdrawal from twenty years of nicotine indulgence. and i am, quite frankly, getting tired of allowing her use me as her whipping boy. so to speak.

Thursday, October 21, 2004

oh my gosh, i just realized this template has a font, size, and color short cut. i've been composing posts under "edit html" this entire time; and thus, doing the html codes key stroke by key stroke.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

where was my mind?

i feel this disclaimer is important, i'm twenty-five years old-i didn't know who the pixies were till the pixies weren't. in 1988, when surfer rosa was released, i was spending my friday nights at kristy nugen's house playing girl talk, organizing my caboodle, snaking on bagel bites, idolizing dj from full house, and, more relevant, listening to debbie gibson or amy grant.

then some years back, while working at cd warehouse, i came across doolittle. by no means did i think it was anything less than brilliant-it was just, at that stage in my budding adulthood, i was more interested in bands such as u2, the verve, blur, echo and the bunnymen, delirious, and radiohead. and so the pixies, through these suceeding years, remained as a band i'm quite aware i should fall down on my knees to worship; and the closest thing my generation will ever have that is comparable to what the Beatles did for rock and roll back in their day. and that was all...until last night when i saw with my own two eyes what the generation before me had been seeing for a decade and a half: belief.

in loo of...

all monday long, sj and i discussed our evening plan: to attend one of deep ellum film festival parties with robert duval to be in attendance. i even used it as an excuse to call an old friend just so i could have a reason to talk to him about something, his all time favorite actor...or so i pretended. but come that evening, as we sat on the patio of starbucks enjoying fall's greatest attribute: the spice pumpkin latte, we realized we didn't know the exact time the event started, that i, at bare minimum, needed to run a comb through my hair and dazzle my lashes with a coat of mascara, and after a full throttle mexican lunch, if the funds permitted it anymore-whatever the cost of admittance was.

as the reality of us having dropped the ball creeped slower into realization, we shifted direction to preventing of the dissolution of future plans/empty evenings. as of course, a plan should have a plan reaching further than a notion. and that lead to this list:

1.KnitWits: Lakewood Library
(214)670-1376 call about if we need to bring our own yarn and needle.

2.Meadows Jazz Orchestra in the Caruth Auditorium
*ended up seeing the Pixies at the last minute instead*

3.Art Stop: Dallas Museum of Art
sign in at information desk. bring your own sketch book and pencil.
*next week, next week. this week plans have been already made for SITC au jus cosmopolitans; then off to see the Strange Boys at Double Wide later later in the evening*

4.The Art of Mendhi: the Crow Collection of Art
10-11am call to reserve seat in class.

Oct 23
All About Bats: Green Living in Lakewood

Oct 25
Family Outreach Volunteer Information Session


Monday, October 18, 2004

Sunday, October 17, 2004

dear diary,

being both sleep deprived and dehydrated, rachel and i ended brunch with a resolve to catch an afternoon matinee. but before that was to come about, two of our fellow brunchians needed to make haste back to austin; goodbyes were exchanged, and before i knew it, there i was sitting in front of rachels television, searching tivo for pre-recorded sex in the city. in one of the episodes carrie and charollette meet for dessert at some restaurant; and of course, this instigates not only a rumble in my tummy, but also, a serious craving for something sweet, and more specifically, creme brulee.

being collectively sleep deprived, dehydrated, and now yearning caramlized creamy goodness, rachel and i made another resolution to commence our afternoon matinee with some infamous creme brulee. this spurred online searching for the best creme brulee in dallas, and after exhausting link after link, we finally decided sambucawas the ticket. and i mean ticket, because after the first one, we got a second, and then debated on whether or not to get a third.

hop, skip, and a jump later we were at the magnolia watching the motorcycle diaries; which i had not a clue that it was in subtitles, and probably would have attained more from the film had i seen it not on a day where all i wanted to do was to be acting out my day via r.e.m. still, the film was exceptional and natalie portman's boyfriend portrayed quite a handsome revolutionary indeed.

the movie was over by 7:30, but i had not a wink of energy to be exerted-nor did rachel, and so we said our farewells. on my way driving home, and because i let taylor borrow my/belle's portable cd player so that he could familiarize himself with a band he was getting paid to play with, i was listening to the adventure club(a two hour program the local alternative radio station does every sunday night to make themselves feel alright for all the complete shite they play the other 166 hours of the week) and heard this band from denton called midlake. sure i heard them before, and sure i thought they were just another radiohead/grandaddy wannabe suck assers; and ok, so i heard the new album a few months back and proclaimed it's shocking likeability, but their was something totally different in hearing them on the radio, it was refreshing-it was good, real good. in fact, good enough to add it to my

*Want List.

right along with Young Heart Attack, who i've known about for quite some time but not until last night did i possess the proper knowledge of their greatness to stimulate their placement on my ever evolving

*Want List. i can't claim that i was suprised at how rawk Young Heart Attack was, i've had an insiders inclination that they would be; however, i will admit how surprised i was that an excessive amount of boozes gave rachel and stephanie the insolence to be less than shy concerning a tid bit of juicy information i had so regretfully shared. but as i disclosed previously this afternoon and then this evening, i understand that one day i'll look back and laugh my ass off at the thought of their unabashed subtlety (yes, this oxy-moron is very well intended) to it's cast. but anyways, later at the party i exchanged "most embarrassing moment" stories with steven the bass player; talked mostly music with another bass player from another band, and before i knew it, it was four something in the morning. bassists just seem to have a way with me and me with them, if only, as in this story, in being drawn toward one another at a party by embracing conversational harmony of intellect and aesthetics. it's especially comforting when the both of you are six or seven drinks behind everyone else.

which i hope to compensate for tomorrow with a dollar rita or two at ozonos. hurry home belle!!!

*Want List: Arcade Fire: Funeral, Dandy Warhols: The Black Album, Jon's hot ass, Wilco: A Ghost Is Born, Interpol: Antics,Tom Waits: Real Gone, and now Midlake:Bamnam and Silvercork, and Young Heart Attack: Mouthful of Love.

Thursday, October 14, 2004

the pumpkin carving project,

or compumkin as ryan would put it.

i placed my pumpkin in the back seat and fastend the seat belt over it's akward spooky face/bodice, at this moment, kate came running out of her house to my car, still dotting the mardi-gras inspired green beaded necklace and indian head band we had precedently decided to be appropiate post-carving attire, to anxiuosly give me two ziploc bags full of pumpkins seeds. earlier in the evening as steph and myself slowly and socially slaved away at our hallow creations, kate had been a busy little bee, already finished with her orange goolish friend, she had then set off to the business of seasoning and roasting the seeds. but not until, i got into my car did i notice the fall themed stickers she had decorated the bags with.

to be continued...

"The band was giving it onstage and they looked great and sounded better. It was head rockin, body moving and ass shakin' all in an hour of gorgeous sound."

good god, was it ever.

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

i can hardly wait...

tonight at the gypsy tea room: my future brother in law(s), snow patrol!!!

sweeter, nicer, more enjoyable.

huh, i noticed i'm constantly wanting to rip off song titles or lyrics for my titles. it's like a bad case of local news transistional piece retardness. that's a mouthful alright. well, i didn't want to leave my blog on a venting note. i've been doing alot of that lately as is, and i suppose, it's to compensate for the diminutive desire i have to write, as so, my vents are the only thing that survives the lack luster of blogging these days. i need to do more reading. that always seems to motivate me. and speaking of reading( like that?!?), i think i'm going to call quits on "the rise of theodore roosevelt". which is unfortunate because, apart from spending money on it, i was really looking forward to letting m.turner borrow it after i finish it so we can discuss the life and times of such a fascinating president. god, i wish you could inject audible sarcasism into sentences of which it is the intent. but seriously, the last book i can remember socially reading was the "count of monte cristo", which is a frekkin awesome book and one of my top favorites to date, but gee that was ages and ages ago. a correlating memory just caught up with me concerning that book. funny how a subject of focus and interest can swiftly, and without notice, lead straight into a well forgotten and cherished one.

i'm listening to neil halstead. memories are everywhere tonight; lingering heavy in the songs as well. it was after a neil halstead show in dallas that i met heather for the first time. her, some girl who wanted to be a groupie, erik, the band, and i ended up happily situated in a booth at the metro( a greasy spoon that tastes so good when you've had too much to drink). i don't remember why but he paid for my meal, a delicious grilled cheese sandwhich and a bowl of tomatoe soup, but he did. he also suggested we all come to the austin show, so the next day erik and i hopped in the infamous audi, turned up the tunes, and burned rubber as we went.

good times.

this evening i went to the state fair. it too was good times. though, steph and mark did most of the quote un quote fun (meaning riding rides. i'm way too virgo to trust a carnie with my life). instead i found immense delight and content with consuming corn dogs and funnel cakes and beer.

which made me think of the year jon and i went and did nothing, and i mean did nothing, but eat.

on such a thought, i'll retire to lulaby land.

dos equis or milk?!?

to the abstract thinker: abstract is factual if abstract is factual to you. and to the factual thinker: factual is factual and abstract is abstract, point effin blank.

somehow conversations between mark and i have an incessant tendency to drift to such debates; and tonight at the meridian room was no different. i understand logic wouldn't exist if it wasn't for the existence of illogical, and rational to irrational. positives, to be a positive, must have a negative. but to associate the meaning of a positive as a negative is absurd; to speculate that my beer is beer only because of collective conscious and my perception of it, is pretty much insanity to me. i once wondered how such a great percentage of the american populace could even entertain the notion of voting for a candidate such as john kerry; or, how one could deem abortion murder than justify it under a grave circumstance. what, did the act of abortion become something other than murder because the girl was rapped or is it still murder? then, if so, is murder now OK because she was rapped?!? that may seem heartless and narrow minded to some but to others it's calling the facts facts and reality reality no matter how unfair it might seem or how difficult it truly is. unfortunately for many today, truth is no longer an absolute, factual is in the eye of the beholder, and reality is conceptual.

i've grown to hate philosophy but after tonight, i think we could all benefit from a little more Kant in our lives.

Friday, October 08, 2004

the improbable makes for reasonable reasoning.

the imagination runs. it stops; rewinds, and plays the scenerio in fast forward. laughter ensues, drama sparks a match, and we all collapse in our cashmere pajamas back to the comfort of pint size ice cream containers matched oh-so elequantly with tivo.

nine months is more than i want to dedicate myself, but i've never been one to resist an once in a lifetime oppurtunity. not more than once at least.

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

for candace

well, i was planning on finishing a satirical 'true or false' post on john kerry's dubious accusations and proclamations, but over at candied ginger a plea was made for the blogosphere to offer something other than the political mumbo gumbo that has come over almost every blogger, and so being the people pleaser that i try to be, i'll refrain.

where to start..hmmm, i just got home from my second day of training at my newnew job;now, listening to modest mouse; later in the evening i''ll be attending an event at the arboretum with rachel, michelle, and stephanie; and, i just realized that i've had my windows open since sunday morning, it's been that beautiful outside.

sorry, but that's all i've got.

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

for real.


"Polish President Aleksander Kwasniewski has slammed Dem president hopeful John Kerry for not recognizing Poland's contributions and sacrifice to the war in Iraq.

"It is sad that a senator with 20 years of experience does not recognize Polish contribution. This is immoral," Kwasniewski told FACTS in an interview commenting on the US Presidential Debate.

"It is sad that a senator with 20 years of experience underestimates Polish sacrifice, this is sad."

The Polish President added however that one should consider this was a part of the ongoing electoral campaign.

"I do not think this was out of ignorance," the president emphasized on the TVN Facts.

"There is one thing which should be stated clearly: this coalition is not just the United States, Great Britain, Australia alone; it also involves participation of Polish, Ukrainian, Bulgarian and Spanish soldiers who have died. It is immoral not to recognize the involvement we contributed based on our conviction that there should be unity in fighting terrorism, that there was a need to display international solidarity and that Saddam Hussein was a dangerous individual of this world."

"President Bush acted like a real Texan gentleman, he made sure to show appreciation for other countries' involvement in the coalition," Kwasniewski pointed out."

see also candace's, '60 years after 63 days of absolute heroism'.

a new photolog for those that weren't there, couldn't be there, or love me despite my inability to spell there correctly.

::turning twenty-five::

Monday, October 04, 2004

with all the time i spend on the internet, it's a shame i can never find an adequate remainder to blog, but that right there could be the very culprit. i get so consumed; lost in article after article, sifting my way through the drudge report and then to various blogs that by the time i make it to blogger, i'm spent. but my god, i can't become that blogger who blogs about not blogging, or worse, about trying to blog.

so moving right along and past my fear.

today i started a new job. yes, another new job. the oldnew place where i worked at had issues. like, bouncing my paycheck issues and the owner being a complete ass who never took full responsability for his mistakes sort of issues. and so, despite my disgust for having to start all over again at somewhere new, i had to give severines' the axe. this newnew place i started at tonight is by far the classiest and hippest joint of them all; and they seem to have it togather unlike the prior, which, after this evening's exquisite wine and appetizer tasting, i wonder why i always try so hard to hold onto places and things that have gone awry. is it laziness or loyalty? maybe, a perfect mixture...whatever the case may be, the older i get, the more i realize how much of a trend this issue has played in my life; how much it has shaped and molded who and what i am. and moreso, where i am. dallas. still in, dallas. though, not a slam against this city, i'm just..over it.

earlier in the day, i spoke on the phone with stephanie. she is currently in nyc trying to find a place to live, and doing so quite fashionably in killer boots from what i hear. this has been her dream since, well, as long as i've known her, fourteen something years ago in middle school. her: an aspiring dancer in the big apple. but this afternoon on the phone, steph began to share her hesitation; a reluctancy, if you will. i believe her exact words were, "i'm thinking, why not Seattle. i can do the same thing there." and upon hearing that word utter with the intention of one's replacement put upon it, a fire was sparked. "Seattle", it rolled off my lips like dr.pepper made with imperial sugar cane only can do. the thing is, i would love to move to the northwest and i've wanted to for years and years and years but something...everything has always kept me here in dallas. here in dallas was my debt. here in dallas was my job to fix my debt. though on the other hand: here in dallas was my family. here in dallas are some amazing friends. here in dallas are evenings spent playing scrabble, or going to see That Band play. here in dallas is michelle, is rachel, is kate, is tiffany. girls that are four in a million: intelligent, refined, non-pretensious, kind, considerate, loyal, witty, adventerous, and laid back. the type of people after you meet you feel like you won the lottery, and then you get to know them and your positive their is a god because people like that are just too wonderful for anti-matter to be responsible for.

so i guess, "over it" isn't the correct phrase really. and the only thing about dallas that has gone awry is the traffic, urban sprawl, lack of asthetic beauty, the stress of never having enough, and the place in my life of having to wait tables that i just can't seem to shake no matter how hard i wiggle.

taking the good with the bad,
missie rose

Thursday, September 30, 2004

turning twenty-five

i've let the past few weeks slip by without reminiscing despite that there have been moments and stories most worthy of documentation: gut wrenching spasms of gratefulness, of joy, of doing the drum roll on my father's shoulders as i stood above him on a bench with my heels kicked off, bouncing and singing about the sun with my mother next to me clapping and smiling right along; of laughing so hard and so unexpectedly that champagne shot out of my nose, of being with with people i love, people i adore, people that are usually so extraordinarily far away. and now, it's almost midnight. michelle and i are suppose to take a yoga class early in the morning. so once again, i must let this slip by to the cozy arms of goodnight.

Friday, September 24, 2004

i just got off the phone with tiffany. i tolled her i'd meet her for a drink. to a certain extent, i'm bored - but then again, i really haven't been bored in months - so in a weird way, i'm kinda enjoying doing nothing and using every excuse in the book to do just that. what i really could use is a friend who would be happy to come over and play scrabble, or bake some cookies; anything that complies with coin purse fiscality and staying in.

early tommorrow morning i have to drive out to camp wisdom to lifeguard for some boy scout function; which is why, minute by minute, i'm finding my cds and a fresh pot of coffee to be the company of desire.

*update: well, i did it. i called tiff back, tested how badly she wanted me to go out with her, then upon finding out she was totally cool with meeting after the Polyphonic show tommorrow night instead, affirmed my hope to bail.

and so now, i have no excuse not to clean seeing as how-i'm home to stay.

"Obviously you're a very enlightened pathetic CEO two faced Liar."

my first reaction to seeing, 'SUMNER SUPRISE: CBS BOSS ENDORSES BUSH!' over there at the drudge report was one of mixed, though, none the less, pleasant feelings-and perhaps i'm a little too skeptical; a little too harsh because, despite my initial pleasant disposition towards this breaking news headline, my inherent inclination was that, because of rather's jr.high journalism tactics that has put the limelight on CBS as an unreliable source of factual news, that Sumner, is hoping to pull the wool over the public's eyes in believing that the fake documents dan rather used in his attack against President Bush's time served in the texas air national guard was 'in-all-honesty(if-indeed-they-are-fake-because-that-is-something-we-still-aren't-willing-to-admit)' innocent mistake; and so even though in sumners own words he's a "liberal democrat", and that, as the wall street journal reports: "the Boston-born Mr. Sumner Redstone was co-chairman of Edmund Muskie's presidential campaign in 1972. He's also a close friend of the other Massachusetts senator, Ted Kennedy. Monday's New York Sun, quoting the Federal Election Commission, said that since 1998 Mr. Redstone had given $50,000 to the Democratic Party. He's also donated the maximum $2,000 to the Kerry campaign, after supporting Al Gore in 2000", so when fingers start pointing and suspisions start arising at whether or not dan rather's piece was politicizing the networks liberal agenda, sumner can non-chalantly claim that at an annual global CEO conference by forbes magazine, that he declared his endorsement for President Bush...so how in the world could his network be guilty of purposefully decieving the public?!?

but i'm no fool and i hope the rest of the american population isn't either.

Thursday, September 23, 2004

the Statement: Progress

at a fire station in ohio, kerry tolled reporters "I think the prime minister is obviously contradicting his own statement of a few days ago when he said that terrorists are pouring into the country."

back up. prior to the us lead war in iraq, iraq was under the regime of sadaam hussein; and, under this regime 400,000 innocent iraqis were killed and buried in mass graves, another 30,000 died from chemical attacks, and according to the white house, "human rights watch estimates that saddam's 1987-1988 campaign of terror against the kurds killed at least 50,000 and possibly as many as 100,000 kurds". and folks, that's just the tip of the iceberg of what occured under the ruthless rule of saddam hussein. in fact, seeing as how kerry doesn't realize how, despite that terrorists are pouring into iraq in order to keep iraq from becoming a democratic and just society, the state in which iraq is Now is indeed frekkin Progress, i'll go ahead and add the rest of the horrific details of what iraq was like under saddam just so their isn't any confusion.

"For over 20 years, the greatest threat to Iraqis has been Saddam Hussein's regime -- he has killed, tortured, raped and terrorized the Iraqi people and his neighbors for over two decades.

When Iraq is free, past crimes against humanity and war crimes committed against Iraqis, will be accounted for, in a post-conflict Iraqi-led process. The United States, members of the coalition and international community will work with the Iraqi people to build a strong and credible judicial process to address these abuses.

Under Saddam's regime many hundreds of thousands of people have died as a result of his actions - the vast majority of them Muslims.

According to a 2001 Amnesty International report, "victims of torture in Iraq are subjected to a wide range of forms of torture, including the gouging out of eyes, severe beatings and electric shocks... some victims have died as a result and many have been left with permanent physical and psychological damage."

Saddam has had approximately 40 of his own relatives murdered.

Allegations of prostitution used to intimidate opponents of the regime, have been used by the regime to justify the barbaric beheading of women.

Documented chemical attacks by the regime, from 1983 to 1988, resulted in some 30,000 Iraqi and Iranian deaths.

Human Rights Watch estimates that Saddam's 1987-1988 campaign of terror against the Kurds killed at least 50,000 and possibly as many as 100,000 Kurds. o The Iraqi regime used chemical agents to include mustard gas and nerve agents in attacks against at least 40 Kurdish villages between 1987-1988. The largest was the attack on Halabja which resulted in approximately 5,000 deaths. o 2,000 Kurdish villages were destroyed during the campaign of terror.

Iraq's 13 million Shi'a Muslims, the majority of Iraq's population of approximately 22 million, face severe restrictions on their religious practice, including a ban on communal Friday prayer, and restriction on funeral processions.

According to Human Rights Watch, "senior Arab diplomats told the London-based Arabic daily newspaper al-Hayat in October [1991] that Iraqi leaders were privately acknowledging that 250,000 people were killed during the uprisings, with most of the casualties in the south." Refugees International reports that the "Oppressive government policies have led to the internal displacement of 900,000 Iraqis, primarily Kurds who have fled to the north to escape Saddam Hussein's Arabization campaigns (which involve forcing Kurds to renounce their Kurdish identity or lose their property) and Marsh Arabs, who fled the government's campaign to dry up the southern marshes for agricultural use. More than 200,000 Iraqis continue to live as refugees in Iran."

The U.S. Committee for Refugees, in 2002, estimated that nearly 100,000 Kurds, Assyrians and Turkomans had previously been expelled, by the regime, from the "central-government-controlled Kirkuk and surrounding districts in the oil-rich region bordering the Kurdish controlled north."

"Over the past five years, 400,000 Iraqi children under the age of five died of malnutrition and disease, preventively, but died because of the nature of the regime under which they are living." (Prime Minister Tony Blair, March 27, 2003) o Under the oil-for-food program, the international community sought to make available to the Iraqi people adequate supplies of food and medicine, but the regime blocked sufficient access for international workers to ensure proper distribution of these supplies. o Since the beginning of Operation Iraqi Freedom, coalition forces have discovered military warehouses filled with food supplies meant for the Iraqi people that had been diverted by Iraqi military forces.

The Iraqi regime has repeatedly refused visits by human rights monitors. From 1992 until 2002, Saddam prevented the UN Special Rapporteur from visiting Iraq.

The UN Special Rapporteur's September 2001, report criticized the regime for "the sheer number of executions," the number of "extrajudicial executions on political grounds," and "the absence of a due process of the law."

Executions: Saddam Hussein's regime has carried out frequent summary executions, including: o 4,000 prisoners at Abu Ghraib prison in 1984 o 3,000 prisoners at the Mahjar prison from 1993-1998 o 2,500 prisoners were executed between 1997-1999 in a "prison cleansing campaign" o 122 political prisoners were executed at Abu Ghraib prison in February/March 2000 o 23 political prisoners were executed at Abu Ghraib prison in October 2001 o At least 130 Iraqi women were beheaded between June 2000 and April 2001.

anyone with half a brain can easily see that calling the state of today's iraq is Progress from what it was prior to the old regime of saddam; and that is a fact whether the democratic party wants it to be our not. our Pres, and his friend, the interim prime minister Allawi, should feel proud to gloat on what our efforts and sacrifices have succeeded in accomplishing. any contradiction to it should be called what it is: a obviuos attempt of nasty negativity and blatant denial for the purpose of self/agenda-promotion. * see quote from john kerry.

my boiling point

"one thousand U.S casualities," the Kerry commercial intones."two americans beheaded just this week. the pentegon admits terrorists are pouring into Iraq. in the face of the Iraq quagmire, George Bush's answer is to run a juevnille and tasteless attack ad."

but hold on let's do something new and different libshitserals, let's really think about this before you get ahead of yourself; let's start at the most obvious, and that is your claim that Bush's answer to the growing epidemic of inhumanity and evil in the war on Iraq is a light hearted commercial against Kerry. well for your convience and desire to be spoon fed possible/maybe facts, here is a speech by the President at a press conference back in April 2004:

"This has been tough weeks in that country. Coalition forces have encountered serious violence in some areas of Iraq. Our military commanders report that this violence is being instigated by three groups: Some remnants of Saddam Hussein's regime, along with Islamic militants have attacked coalition forces in the city of Fallujah. Terrorists from other countries have infiltrated Iraq to incite and organize attacks. In the south of Iraq, coalition forces face riots and attacks that are being incited by a radical cleric named al-Sadr. He has assembled some of his supporters into an illegal militia, and publicly supported the terrorist groups, Hamas and Hezbollah. Al-Sadr's methods of violence and intimidation are widely repudiated by other Iraqi Shia. He's been indicted by Iraqi authorities for the murder of a prominent Shia cleric.

Although these instigations of violence come from different factions, they share common goals. They want to run us out of Iraq and destroy the democratic hopes of the Iraqi people. The violence we have seen is a power grab by these extreme and ruthless elements.

It's not a civil war; it's not a popular uprising. Most of Iraq is relatively stable. Most Iraqis, by far, reject violence and oppose dictatorship. In forums where Iraqis have met to discuss their political future, and in all the proceedings of the Iraqi Governing Council, Iraqis have expressed clear commitments. They want strong protections for individual rights; they want their independence; and they want their freedom.

America's commitment to freedom in Iraq is consistent with our ideals, and required by our interests. Iraq will either be a peaceful, democratic country, or it will again be a source of violence, a haven for terror, and a threat to America and to the world. By helping to secure a free Iraq, Americans serving in that country are protecting their fellow citizens. Our nation is grateful to them all, and to their families that face hardship and long separation.

This weekend, at a Fort Hood hospital, I presented a Purple Heart to some of our wounded; had the honor of thanking them on behalf of all Americans. Other men and women have paid an even greater cost. Our nation honors the memory of those who have been killed, and we pray that their families will find God's comfort in the midst of their grief. As I have said to those who have lost loved ones, we will finish the work of the fallen.

America's armed forces are performing brilliantly, with all the skill and honor we expect of them. We're constantly reviewing their needs. Troop strength, now and in the future, is determined by the situation on the ground. If additional forces are needed, I will send them. If additional resources are needed, we will provide them. The people of our country are united behind our men and women in uniform, and this government will do all that is necessary to assure the success of their historic mission.

One central commitment of that mission is the transfer of sovereignty back to the Iraqi people. We have set a deadline of June 30th. It is important that we meet that deadline. As a proud and independent people, Iraqis do not support an indefinite occupation -- and neither does America. We're not an imperial power, as nations such as Japan and Germany can attest. We are a liberating power, as nations in Europe and Asia can attest, as well. America's objective in Iraq is limited, and it is firm: We seek an independent, free and secure Iraq.

Were the coalition to step back from the June 30th pledge, many Iraqis would question our intentions and feel their hopes betrayed. And those in Iraq who trade in hatred and conspiracy theories would find a larger audience and gain a stronger hand. We will not step back from our pledge. On June 30th, Iraqi sovereignty will be placed in Iraqi hands.

Sovereignty involves more than a date and a ceremony. It requires Iraqis to assume responsibility for their own future. Iraqi authorities are now confronting the security challenge of the last several weeks. In Fallujah, coalition forces have suspended offensive operations, allowing members of the Iraqi Governing Council and local leaders to work on the restoration of central authority in that city. These leaders are communicating with the insurgents to ensure an orderly turnover of that city to Iraqi forces, so that the resumption of military action does not become necessary. They're also insisting that those who killed and mutilated four American contract workers be handed over for trial and punishment. In addition, members of the Governing Council are seeking to resolve the situation in the south. Al-Sadr must answer the charges against him and disband his illegal militia.

Our coalition is standing with responsible Iraqi leaders as they establish growing authority in their country. The transition to sovereignty requires that we demonstrate confidence in Iraqis, and we have that confidence. Many Iraqi leaders are showing great personal courage, and their example will bring out the same quality in others. The transition to sovereignty also requires an atmosphere of security, and our coalition is working to provide that security. We will continue taking the greatest care to prevent harm to innocent civilians; yet we will not permit the spread of chaos and violence. I have directed our military commanders to make every preparation to use decisive force, if necessary, to maintain order and to protect our troops.

The nation of Iraq is moving toward self-rule, and Iraqis and Americans will see evidence in the months to come. On June 30th, when the flag of free Iraq is raised, Iraqi officials will assume full responsibility for the ministries of government. On that day, the transitional administrative law, including a bill of rights that is unprecedented in the Arab world, will take full effect.

The United States, and all the nations of our coalition, will establish normal diplomatic relations with the Iraqi government. An American embassy will open, and an American ambassador will be posted.

According to the schedule already approved by the Governing Council, Iraq will hold elections for a national assembly no later than next January. That assembly will draft a new, permanent constitution which will be presented to the Iraqi people in a national referendum held in October of next year. Iraqis will then elect a permanent government by December 15, 2005 -- an event that will mark the completion of Iraq's transition from dictatorship to freedom.

Other nations and international institutions are stepping up to their responsibilities in building a free and secure Iraq. We're working closely with the United Nations envoy, Lakhdar Brahimi, and with Iraqis to determine the exact form of the government that will receive sovereignty on June 30th. The United Nations election assistance team, headed by Karina Parelli (phonetic), is in Iraq, developing plans for next January's election. NATO is providing support for the Polish-led multinational division in Iraq. And 17 of NATO's 26 members are contributing forces to maintain security.

Secretary of State Powell and Secretary of State Rumsfeld, and a number of NATO defense and foreign ministers are exploring a more formal role for NATO, such as turning the Polish-led division into a NATO operation, and giving NATO specific responsibilities for border control.

Iraqi's neighbors also have responsibilities to make their region more stable. So I am sending Deputy Secretary of State Armitage to the Middle East to discuss with these nations our common interest in a free and independent Iraq, and how they can help achieve this goal.

As we've made clear all along, our commitment to the success and security of Iraq will not end on June 30th. On July 1st, and beyond, our reconstruction assistance will continue, and our military commitment will continue. Having helped Iraqis establish a new government, coalition military forces will help Iraqis to protect their government from external aggression and internal subversion.

The success of free government in Iraq is vital for many reasons. A free Iraq is vital because 25 million Iraqis have as much right to live in freedom as we do. A free Iraq will stand as an example to reformers across the Middle East. A free Iraq will show that America is on the side of Muslims who wish to live in peace, as we have already shown in Kuwait and Kosovo, Bosnia and Afghanistan. A free Iraq will confirm to a watching world that America's word, once given, can be relied upon, even in the toughest times.

Above all, the defeat of violence and terror in Iraq is vital to the defeat of violence and terror elsewhere; and vital, therefore, to the safety of the American people. Now is the time, and Iraq is the place, in which the enemies of the civilized world are testing the will of the civilized world. We must not waver.

The violence we are seeing in Iraq is familiar. The terrorist who takes hostages, or plants a roadside bomb near Baghdad is serving the same ideology of murder that kills innocent people on trains in Madrid, and murders children on buses in Jerusalem, and blows up a nightclub in Bali, and cuts the throat of a young reporter for being a Jew.

We've seen the same ideology of murder in the killing of 241 Marines in Beirut, the first attack on the World Trade Center, in the destruction of two embassies in Africa, in the attack on the USS Cole, and in the merciless horror inflicted upon thousands of innocent men and women and children on September the 11th, 2001.

None of these acts is the work of a religion; all are the work of a fanatical, political ideology. The servants of this ideology seek tyranny in the Middle East and beyond. They seek to oppress and persecute women. They seek the death of Jews and Christians, and every Muslim who desires peace over theocratic terror. They seek to intimidate America into panic and retreat, and to set free nations against each other. And they seek weapons of mass destruction, to blackmail and murder on a massive scale.

Over the last several decades, we've seen that any concession or retreat on our part will only embolden this enemy and invite more bloodshed. And the enemy has seen, over the last 31 months, that we will no longer live in denial or seek to appease them. For the first time, the civilized world has provided a concerted response to the ideology of terror -- a series of powerful, effective blows.

The terrorists have lost the shelter of the Taliban and the training camps in Afghanistan. They've lost safe havens in Pakistan. They lost an ally in Baghdad. And Libya has turned its back on terror. They've lost many leaders in an unrelenting international manhunt. And perhaps most frightening to these men and their movement, the terrorists are seeing the advance of freedom and reform in the greater Middle East.

A desperate enemy is also a dangerous enemy, and our work may become more difficult before it is finished. No one can predict all the hazards that lie ahead, or the costs they will bring. Yet, in this conflict, there is no safe alternative to resolute action. The consequences of failure in Iraq would be unthinkable. Every friend of America and Iraq would be betrayed to prison and murder as a new tyranny arose. Every enemy of America and the world would celebrate, proclaiming our weakness and decadence, and using that victory to recruit a new generation of killers.

We will succeed in Iraq. We're carrying out a decision that has already been made and will not change: Iraq will be a free, independent country, and America and the Middle East will be safer because of it. Our coalition has the means and the will to prevail. We serve the cause of liberty, and that is, always and everywhere, a cause worth serving."

hardly his answer, don't you think?!? or are they aware that their spreading lies by what they implied in above mentioned statement?!? of course, the Bush campaign could have come up with a commercial depicting footage of one of the beheadings and then rolled the fickle stance, by means of voting record and speeches, about where Kerry stands on the war in Iraq; and then showing the families in agony over the loss of their loved one, come up with something like, "Kerry: he might care tomorrow, but the polls won't allow him to today". even if the Kerry campaign was composed of nothing but complete morons who think the only "answer" Bush has given on the war in Iraq is an allegorical commerical of the senetor sailing back and forth on his stance with the war, then it still doesn't give postive light to the fact that the Kerry campaign then followed with a commerical of only a rebuttle for the previous commercial. is that all they have in their arsenal? a rebuttle commercial to a commerical?

as for it being "tasteless", well, i guess that depends on your palate now doesn't it?!? i found it to be extremely delicious. as for it being "juvenille", sure. but after the protest at the republican national convention where democratic zealots threw stones and attacked police, i thought they wanted that can of worms opened. maybe they changed their minds. now, wouldn't that be a first.