Tuesday, December 30, 2003

- trendy trucker hat...check
- over sized scarf...check
- kokology, the game of self-discovery...check
- british hip-hop...check
- upset tummy...check
- excitement...check
- waiting for the caravan...check
To Spin

Eyes closed; squinting, soft projections all whirling, but never dizzy, never. Never tired, never lost in transit, never picking up the pieces and putting them back into the puzzle because i'm too busy running and Discovering; because the directions are inate; because the music is always gently playing songs specifically for me and His mercies are new every morning, i'm in love and it's contagious.

Never say never say I.

Wednesday, December 24, 2003


The cleaning ladies are here which means even though i'm as sick as a sick dog on it's death bed I can't crawl back into bed. As well does it mean my wet hair tossled up in a towel must remain likeso until I can search the house to find my blow dryer without getting in their way.

I guess I could read some on-line news or Candace's political satire while I wait but for whatever reason my usual spunk for Discovery and Enlightment is wading. And i'm dizzy.

I'm Not A Mean Person

and that's the thing; i've never been and i've had some pretty bad shit done to me, people who have cast their lot of judgement on me, and words said that shot me right in the heart but growing up i was taught to turn the other cheek, to kill with kindness, to realize some people don't think before they act or speak, that jesus loves all the little childern even those who sometimes say and do not nice things and since he forgave and loved us we should forgive and love them. and so i'm one of those people you can do almost anything to me and i'll without hesitation forgive you and even if you don't deserve it, i'll shower you with kindness, i'll stick up for you when others bash you, i'll add in you my night time prayers, and i'll love you unconditionally. so i'm a little shocked here that yesterday i was mean and even more shocked that i still believe he deserved every ounce of it. either that is indication that i'm being a poo brain or he really has hurt me beyond my little forgiving loving self can comprehend. and yes, i can't comprehend how someone who should be concerned with earning back my trust and regard is advent in doing the very opposite.

Sunday, December 21, 2003

I am One very Happy Cookie, because....

-BELLE ELLA is HERE (even though she is too jet lagged and therefore
sleeping right now).
-I am wearing a very cute Thrills tee.
-Tomorrow is Belle Ella and mine's 3rd Annual Xmas in the Burbs Party.
-Both Friday and Saturday night I got to dance and sing on stage with the SPREE and boy did I do a
hellalotof both.
-My Elf costume earned me the nick name: Hot Elf. And a few ticket stubs with digits, which is, if nothing else, amusing.
-Hot Mike spilled the beans that he summer crushed me.
-Life is a beautiful and wonderful thing, and I refuse to let circumstances disagree.
-All the streets are light up in white lights, douglas firs decked in tinsel, and Christmas carols playing on every radio
-I truely have some of the most remarkable, warm hearted, and intelligent friends imaginable.

Really what more could one cookie/Hot Elf ask for?!?

Friday, December 19, 2003

Have I told you lately, that I love you? Have I told you lately there's no other band above you? You fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness, ease my troubles that's what the Doves do.

It seems to appear last night Belle Ella and I both experienced the woes accompanied by being "light weights"; the dangers that linger in loosing count of just how many glasses of red wine have been consumed; the ability to stick your foot in your mouth regardless of how high the heels are or how chunky the boots or whom might be in hearing distance though in contrast to a few years back i'm much better at controlling and filtering my opinion and eagerness for blunt honesty, to be as amiable as possible, considerate, and sensitive to the fact that my intentions, and, that which is communicated are not always conveyed likeso, as so. Alcohol hath no reproach, it never ceases to miss a chance to display my inner-sass and while Belle Ella might have made a lewd comment that her boss over-heard, I have this embarassing inclination sifting in last night's foggy memory that I crossed the gender appropiate line in conversation, big time. And even here, now, no one really reading, I can't repeat it's context but now I am able to see how my audicous disregard for innocence was percieved by him to assume he could get a little lip action from me but it was to his suprise this sassy girl is really deep down inside prudish at heart. But even more disturbing than allowing poor L. to buy me glass of merlot after merlot after merlot while having no intention to be the temptress I was playing to be, I let myself drive a good twenty minuets in such a state, one should not drive in: "Runk as a skunk".

Dear Mothers Against Drunk Driving,
My deepest apologies, your propagando has not failed, just my sense of common sense but I will not let it happen again.

Apart from my lapse in good judgement and vocariuosly bad behavior; being there, keeping true to the tradition of making Evan's present and wrapping, then, singing Happy Birthday to this man who did 'the sprinkler' during "Soldier Girl" for my special day, just filled the night with a sense of love and warm fuzzies of just how blessed I am that I have been given this oppurtunity to be a part in his life and watch the progress; watch his hair styles change, his potential utilized, the girlfriends he makes, the hearts he breaks, the things he'll find and then the things he'll choose to loose. It's priceless and i'm so flippin glad it is.

Thursday, December 18, 2003

Is it Evolution or Metamorphis

That through the various stages of my life in some way, in some shape or form, a portion of me is different than it was before. Each and every day day brings change, a chance to take a hardship and turn it into a lesson learned; or a random smile, or a piece of information and apply it to to the mix. In this most recent lesson I failed but in failing, well....true I might still have bruises in places I didn't know you could bruise and my confidence in reparation from the remorse in knowing I compromised logic and my worth but because of this failure, unnecessary as it has seemed, i've been able to Grow. For too long i've hung my head in shame and allowed self-defeat to cripple my progress, sure i'm not the girl I use to be...but a Starbucks barista with shaggy hair unaware of his intentions, made me realize, i'm better.

At one point in my life, I thought myself too cool for skool, so cool when asked if I would dress up as an elf for the Spree Xmas Extravagenza, I declined. Now years later I have been re-given the same oppurtunity. Now years later i'm not so cool to decline. Hell Yeah i'll put on those stripped tights and pointy ears, just bring it on Clause, let's dance to the carols and get all freaky deaky Seasons Greetings Style.

"Magnificent'o," thunders of applause:

At these things you are achieving; sticking your toes over the diving board, bending at the knees, pushing the tension of your body down into those brave toes and releasing it's momuntem; diving in the unknown head first.

I am watching you both. I lounge back in my chair, tilt the blinds and let the morning sun creep through the plastic crevices, but you are out there.

Daring to do more than simply Dreaming but scheming for that which you are selfless and engaging your potential where ever that may be at whatever cost may bare it's purchase.

Congratulations to the amazing Belle Ella and TenyTiny I can't get enough of bragging to our old friends at just all you are doing with this Dream!!!

Wednesday, December 17, 2003

I bet You didn't know:

Erik hates beans as much my brother in law hates bananas, while I on the other hand, have no vehement quam against any particular food item just it's lack.

"Hush little baby don't cry, Air is going to sing a lullaby."

In less than five hours I have to be awake in order to get the kids ready for school.

I'm serious this time, this time I "Walk On" like U2 suggests.

Ultimate pet peeve- the usage of *@!damnit. Argh, sonofabitches.

Monday, December 15, 2003

Forgo the burrito, snickerdoodle cookies are an yumricious way to greet the middle of the day.

A middle that wasn't so middle, more...lost in distraction perhaps or hidden in conversation, or, almost any configuration of phrases than middle-ish and almost everything that offered itself as something other than The WTF's to consume my thoughts and energy.