Friday, October 27, 2006

the hardest thing i ever had to do was to say goodbye to michelle in dallas. i was thinking about it today: revisiting that first hour in the car, her in my rear view mirror as i drove down Main St. i cried till the dallas skyline was a blur then i turned up some nostaglic tunes and zoned out.

no relevance, just thinking about it.

i'm listening to conrad breathe through the monitor. he's napping good. sometimes he snores, and at night between him and jon it's a wonder i get any sleep at all. i'm constantly tapping on jon's shoulder informing him YES he is snoring...again. at first it was a kick in the shin but he suggested i not beat the shit out of him and instead simply let him know( which is what i thought i was doing by kicking him in the first place. but anyways).

his brother is getting married in january and conrad is going to be the ring bearer. i wonder if i can dress him up in a costume instead of a suit. it's a silver wedding so i'm thinking he could be a bell or a baby seal. maybe just a diaper and top hat. yah.

you should see the kiddo, he's practically sitting himself up all by himself and grabbing his feet and putting anything and everything his tiny little hands can grab into his mouth and laughing when his daddy and i throw him dangerously into the air.

motherhood is better than i could have ever hoped or dreamed it would be. in fact, it's the best thing that's ever happened to me. i feel like i've finally realized what is i'm here to do. all the past disappointments and regrets and windy roads no longer are dredged with ill feelings but now with thankfulness that this is where they lead me to. sounds worse than what i'm wanting to transpire. err. i mean, i always seemed to make the wrong decisions and that always lead me to regret and to feel disappointed and painfully longing for that yellow brick road that would magically land me in the right place at the right time but it never happened like that; everytime i was given a chance to project myself to a place i aspired to be i fcked it up, i dropped the ball, i pulled a me.

i think he's woken up. i hear tiny coo's. such a perfect little baby he just waits oh so patiently.