Sunday, November 28, 2004

head on revised

with coffee and a cranberry orange muffin in hand, i arrived early saturday morning at the restaurant ready to start pulling out the white fairy lights and fluffing reaf after reaf. i may not be the biggest fan of christmas, but i'm definately a, decorating for any occasion, guru. a few years ago i was hired to do some freelance decorating work at the anatole hotel for the infamous crystal ball. we spent three non-stop days transformimg a conference room into a winter wonderland. i was industrious and energetic throughout the entire process- and by the end of that third day, a christamas decorating professional.

this time around however i was sluggish and worse than that: i was the furthest thing away from being creative. my mind was somewhere else and my stomach was twisted up in knots. i had come head on with the realization that i had been a complete ass wipe to someone dear to me. the flood gates had been opened; the revelation of my recent behavior in light of said dear one's recent behavior was hitting me in tidal waves, one right after another and i was mortified by it.

after what little decorating i had accomplished, i raced home, and not wanting to be a pain in the ass by bothering dear ones movie day, i typed away painfully and sincerely into an email.

the past few days i've been realizing alot about myself-and none of it is good. for example: i make up reasons for, not only my intentions, but the causes as well. instead of being honest about what my intentions and the causes truely are. not because i want to be deceptive or anything like that, but because, i'm deathly afraid of the vulnerability that is found in admitting and stating the truth, so much that half the time i don't even realize i'm doing it until i'm basking in the aftermath from it. it's true: i'm a decoy addict.

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