Tuesday, June 24, 2008


if i would have read my horoscope yesterday it probably would have read, "your f'ed".

i'm not going to, and i don't lament the slew of character scrutiny i was forced to undergo. as martyristic as this is going to sound, i actually, in some weird sort of way, relish such occasions. not for the stinging regret it brings, or the shame, or for the downward-inward introspect that insists you work it out in your heart, but for the bettering i hope it will bring.

i see it as an episode of What Not To Wear, and me as the fashion victim coming to be rescued with a $5000 credit card to Saks-but in this scenario-instead of coming mirror to mirror with all my fashion faux pas, i'm face to face with my inner ickiness and after a few wardrobe lessons and a clean sweep of my closet, everyone around me is relieved i'm no longer blazing around in blouses with shoulder pads coupled with gyspy skirts.

the painful thing about this time is i swear i've been here before. i had crossed this bridge. burnt this demon. i guess that's the thing about areas we struggle with: their ability to sneak back at any given moment. it's lesson for me to be more vigilant with myself, my words, my inability to filter emotions and judgements through the graces of God. i'm referring to bluntness; to the rawness.

after an entire day spent dredging the trenches, i realized to be successful, i must realize such success is not within me, but relying on "through Christ".

and knowing that makes it seem a whole lot easier.


Anonymous said...

Ok I don't know what you are even talking about but I TOTALLY understand what you are saying....
PS: I really relate to your situation being away from family is not easy! But visits TOTALLY HELP!

Anonymous said...

yea, I don't really know what you are talking about either.... unless you are talking about self-esteem issues and not having anything to wear... and if that's the case, well you're pregnant so I think that's normal!! On another note, someone else said the word dongadeep not more that one hour ago to me and I haven't heard that word in years. How weird....

Missie Rose said...

someone actually other than me uttered the word dongadeep?!? i'm flattered and shocked. do you remember that was my band pick name for radiant?!? my gosh they were wise to pass on my suggestion.

anyways. gosh, i didn't think i was being that coded with what i was referring to. ie: that whole section i wrote about choosing my words more wisely, and filtering emoutions and judgements through God's mercy and grace.

i had two different occasions yesterday were my words got the better of me, and made me look at what sort of person i am and what sort of person i want others to see of me. i would have gone into more openly but this blog and one of my older posts is one of the occasions, so understandably, i was trying to be sensitive about the whole subject. anywho. being away from fam is super hard!!! i find i'm better, happier person when i'm with them. i feel ya barb.

Anonymous said...

I'm so confused with what your really saying... but I can say that your open honesty that is often more than not - blunt is both a gift and a curse. I think filtering what you say is very important. I know you and so when you cross the line and say too much I know your heart behind it. Maybe save the brutal honesty for family and friends. :)

LIZZY said...

i totally get it and i say let it all out on your blog! it's theraputic. many times i get revelation into why i do or say certain things when i just sit down down and blog it out. don't be afraid to be you. and don't forget that we are all a work in progress. it just becomes glaringly obvious at the MOST inconvenient of times.

LIZZY said...

oh and by the way, I've been away from my family for 12 years now, and I can list a hundred things why its good and a hundred more why it sucks. I just rest in the knowledge that I am where God wants me to be and that I will be blessed for it. He hasn't let me down.

Furthermore, the times we actually DO get to be together, as so much sweeter and memorable.