Friday, December 16, 2005

so painful to remember when he was himself; so much i don't understand and can't handle. how strong my jon is to be there for him through moments i would fold. like when robbie g. needed a shoulder to cry on and i left him with a heartbreak albumn instead. it's hard for me to feel so helpless when all i want to do is help, it's hard for me to hear someone spiral into insanity, to watch someone cry. i've never been one to display that vulnerable side of myself to anyone but myself and God. i would rather die. and i have from time to time. bad things have happened to me, things no one will ever know about but that's how i deal, i conceal. only when the wonunds are healed do i feel safe enough from myself to share with someone else. i would say i'm resillant, i can bounce back from most beatings and disappointments, and wind up, in the end, a stronger and more compassionate person because of it; but there are some beatings i could never imagine anyone coming back in one piece from. and that is the situation with him. so what, is it like jon said: that he won't make it; are we waiting for the relief of suicide or relapse to rescue him?!? would venegance allott to him over-due justice? when the cure is evil, where is the hope?

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