in a spat of brutal honesty the other day i sent off an email to an old friend about this whole 'me being pregant' thing. as soon as i sent it remorse immediately sunk in: i was sure she would be now praying for the poor child i will be giving birth to in 7 months. it was an email that revealed how i don't feel ready, how bizaare and freaky i think the miracle of creating a life in your womb is, and how i...i wished i wasn't pregnant. i needed to feel understood and this particular friend is not only the non-judgemental type but she also provided just enough segway for me to launch into it. but it wasn't the thought of being the center for someone's disapproval that scared me, it was what i had shared that made me shake in my boots. the truth.
then last night i had this dream that i was swinging on a swing set while holding my child. and i remember feeling this extreme love at feeling my child's arm hold onto me as it lay in my lap. i woke up this morning with a love for my child for the first time. it's pretty awesome.