you can actually hear the rain this morning and perhaps that's why i slept in till 10 but thought it was like 7. i swore that woodpecker outside my window was trying to kill me by depreving me of sleep but now i understand he was just saving me from slothfulness; and lou dog, i see now too that his howling wasn't malicious just howling- at the sirens that were probably caused by car accidents due to the rain. but i'm inside, safe and dry and honestly enjoying this forecast. because i can hear it, because it's not pussy rain like we usually get where you don't even know it's raining till you've been outside for ten minutes and your like, "huh, how did i get wet? oh it's raining." it might have even thundered last night, or i might have just dreampt about it. either way, it's going to flood around here and flood bad. from my window i can see the pasture below turning into a lake and a river now where the drive way once was. and to think we're on a hill.

in just a bit i'm going back out to ashland to get my 50 dollar haircut fixed. i went to the nicest place in the valley, i brought a picture, i explained in great detail how i wanted it and what she should expect from my hair, and still the lady fcked it up. i know i shouldn't be angry about it because it's just hair and whatever it'll grow back out but it's a week and a half from my wedding, now it's too short to do it how i wanted it, and i paid more money for a haircut out here in bumble fck backwards southern oregon than i ever did back in the fancy salons in dallas-there should be no reason why she couldn't do it right and out of all times to fck it, right before i wed. and not only is it nothing like the cut i wanted, she fcked up on the haircut she gave me. there are some things i can be fooled with but when it comes to music, food, wine, fashion, and haircuts-there is no pulling the wool over my eyes.

and that's what happens when you start reading vogue and W at the tender age of 10.

upcoming child related expenses:

hospital stay
diapers
little mozart dvds
bouncing balls
piano lessons
private chinese tutor
ballet/or baseball
frequent educational trips to europe
ice-skating lessons
swim lessons
dive lessons
tennis lessons
summer camps
puppet shows
build your own teddy bear
ice-cream floats
day fare to disney world
cotton candy at the fair
first crappy car
and last but not least,
college.......

but no worries, check out our savings.

how in the world brides to be planned their wedding pre-internet i will never know. i'm dead seriuos, it really is nearly impossible to even fathom how one went about it. perhaps it explains why the norm use to be a year long engagement full of wedding preparations. now-a-days( and i love things concerning now-a-days) , there really is no reason why it should take any longer than a month. of course, unless your one of those crazy highland park chics who must have their wedding at the methodist hot spot and therefore have to reserve the chapel ten years in advance. otherwise, like myself, in a mere day spent surfing the web you can arrange for your flowers, your catering, and have all driving directions to the variuos places mapped and printed out using yahoo maps. it's effortless, really. it would be nice, albeit, to know with my own two eyes what the flowers will look like-but, i suppose, even a bride who has been able to visit her florist isn't fully aware, until the big day, of the condition of the flowers or how well he/she arranged them for that particular day. the only way to accurately gage the future is to examine the past, and all that can be done via photo albumns and customer reviews.

as for the dreary task of registering: instead of pulling a rope tied around jon's neck down aisle after aisle of glassware and towels and lamps, i created an online account at target and crate n' barrel; and from the comfort of my apartment was able to inquire from jon, as he watched tv, what he wanted to be apart of in selecting and what he could give two shits about. it was painless for him and therefore painless for me. once again, it is no wonder pre-internet brides, or those who chose to go about things the old fashioned way, turn into bridezillas.

when it comes to weddings, the internet holds the key to the tranquility. that i'm almost sure of.

now, as i've been writing this i've heard something very disturbing about pregnant woman who experience ungodly amounts of gas. like me. the tall tell is that those sort of woman give birth to hairy babies just as a pregnant woman whose stomach looks like a basketball will have a girl and a watermelon tummy means a boy. i'm not soo vain that i'm mortified at an above average hairy tot, it's that i burb more than i breathe right now-i go to sleep beltching, i wake up beltching, i take a shower beltching, and so on so forth. it is non-friggin-stop. my fear is that, because of the incessant gas, i'm going to have a monkey.

"evalyn the monkey child",

understand?!?

it's not that jon isn't affectionate, it's that i am an affection junkie. there is no such thing as sitting on the couch next to me-it is more like me sitting on you or me wrapped up in your arms or you wrapped up in my arms or me massaging you or me scratching my feet to your feet- anything that consitutes human contact will do. it's nothing new, i've been doing it since michelle was big enough to squeeze. one of my alltimefavorite pictures is of michelle and i as wee little children sleeping: we are both in strawberry shortcake gowns, long blonde hair everywhere, and i have michelle in a death lock spoon. it's a classic.

but anyhow. i've gotten distracted. christmas. the wedding. the new microwave. yaddy-ya, maybe another day.

we have all been there: it's 11oclock at night and a wendy's commercial is parading dazzling golden french fries, a double-no-triple-my-no-pickle-cheeseburger, and a sumptous frosty. the craving is strong, a hercules of want, but the sofa is soft and all feeble attempts of raising yourself to a standing position results in fainting spells.

nature has taken over and the sofa has won.

for years has this, and similar, struggles made a fool of my cravings. that is why i was surprised the other night when the yearning for cinnamon donuts gripped me and i actually bundled myself up and made the midnight trip to the grocery store. even more amzingly, it was the first of many whims and wants to be fulfilled despite any and all comforts or obstacles.

the only explanation i can conjure up for this phenomen is the baby; that my little bambino offers me with enough motivation to overcome the state of being content. so when the rapture bleeds through the speakers and i feel the baby wanting to stroke that beat, no matter how tired or busy i might be at that moment, i give it up for the kid.

motherhood has begun.

what is the world coming to?!? thank goodness i saw them play at trees last year, otherwise i would have my foot shoved up my asshole right now.

this morning i'm day dreaming. day dreaming about the pair of camper boots i so want, the trip to barcelona i just whipped up in my head, and having seventy degree weather in san diego on the seventh.

since jon has known me i haven't done much in terms of travel or dreaming big but there was a day when i did and i feel that day beesching me for another round.

i'm not referring to the boots or the weather anymore, maybe the trip. but thinking of what it would be like to kiss the soil of the US goodbye, for awhile at least; take up an oversized scarf, another language, an unrealistic goal and just run as fast and as far as i can. unfortunately, talking jon into such an adventure is more unrealistic than making my home sweet home somewhere in europe.

a year or so ago i brought up the inevitable day when i would want to stretch my legs, dream big, and apply for a residence visa somewhere farfaraway-as i'm wanting now-and after much resistance we finally came to a compromise: he would be ok with me taking a few months here and there to do what i want to do overseas and i would be ok with only a few months here and there.

i suppose, until the baby is old enough to accompany me, i'll be happy to settle for that pair of boots and the travel channel.

you know your pregnant when...

you LOSE it in the 'chronicles of narnia'.

so painful to remember when he was himself; so much i don't understand and can't handle. how strong my jon is to be there for him through moments i would fold. like when robbie g. needed a shoulder to cry on and i left him with a heartbreak albumn instead. it's hard for me to feel so helpless when all i want to do is help, it's hard for me to hear someone spiral into insanity, to watch someone cry. i've never been one to display that vulnerable side of myself to anyone but myself and God. i would rather die. and i have from time to time. bad things have happened to me, things no one will ever know about but that's how i deal, i conceal. only when the wonunds are healed do i feel safe enough from myself to share with someone else. i would say i'm resillant, i can bounce back from most beatings and disappointments, and wind up, in the end, a stronger and more compassionate person because of it; but there are some beatings i could never imagine anyone coming back in one piece from. and that is the situation with him. so what, is it like jon said: that he won't make it; are we waiting for the relief of suicide or relapse to rescue him?!? would venegance allott to him over-due justice? when the cure is evil, where is the hope?

here lies my new obsession: pictures of my sister with her cat. all previous time consumptions have been filtered away, all i am left with now are pics like these. priceless and precious, i want to make their faces into calenders and buttons and postcards.

i want to put them in my pocket and fly kites all day long.

i want to create a fansite for them and host fan parties on their behalf. maybe make a cake with their names on it.

i want to have t'shirts made that say "I Rather Be Looking At Pictures of My Sister with Her Little Kitty".

i want to name a national holiday after them. or a road. maybe i'll just adopt a highway in their name.

i want to thank them on stage.

i want to call in the radio station at all hours of the night dedicating to them mariah carey christmas songs.

i want to do all this and then some because they are the cutest duo. ever.

the truck was packed with a backpack containing salami sandwhiches, potatoe chips, pickles, apples, raisens, cherrios, string cheese, and, after much time spent in walmart making circles around the sports goods and toy section looking for the sleds, one shiny red plastic saucer and a need for speed sledmat. we were heading for the hills, hoping for some snow. an hour later i was flying recklessly down a steep icy hill, backwards, screaming bloody murder all the way. and boy do i have a bruise and a headache to prove it. jon didn't think i'd go all the way to the top of the hill, as everyone else was launching at mid point, but it was my first time sledding and though i understand the dynamics of the physics sledding involves, i somehow seemed to forgot all such knowledge in the light of a higher, steeper possability. i don't remember most of the descent, as my eyes were involuntary closed shut, but do i remember when the killing device came to a sweet stop, someone's little dog came running over to me giving me kisses while jon stood a few feet away hunched over in laughter. now, it was jon's turn. he decided we better get a parking permit before we got a ticket so off we went to beckies cafe for some blackbery pie, hot chocolate, and, of course, the permit. oddly to my surprise, jon decided against getting the permit and suggested we go for a walk in the snowy forrest instead. now, i've seen snow like the snow we saw out there before...but only in movies. it was perfect and it was also a over a foot deep in some places. we trekked through, laughing at ourselves almost falling through the unknown deep snow, until we reached the river gorge. there my sweet love hid behind me on one knee with a ring strecthed out so when i turned around from gazing at the rushing water below that is what i saw.

i'm officially engaged.

the darkness here is real. and on a cloudy night, when the stars and moon are veiled behind ghostly billows, and the concealment of all light has been achieved, i wonder at my existence. nothing is everywhere, enveloping me in it's void until, that is, my eyes adjust. i begin to see my hand in front of my face and the old douglas fir beside me, but the rest of what i know to be a hill and a house upon that hill is now only a testamant of my memory and a good flashlight. and the thing is: it's only 7oclock in southern oregon.

i find myself waking up, waking up in the middle of the day with little to show for the beginning of the day and a hunch the remainder might not differ from that. the ambition is suffocating. we are thinking of a warmer place, a sunnier place but it all depends. i'll keep it as motivation, anyways. i've been looking for thoughts-a world of intrigue outside the discovery channel-but the only one i found worthreadingwhile was tainted. how in such a big world does that happen, i'll never know. i would think the separation of association would have more oceans or rivers or lakes or mountains or bus stops. i guess in some ways are all linked by virtue of happenstance or default or that which ties the past to the present: the unlikely likelihood whether we like it or not.

meanwhile, i'm missing those pivotal years where a kitten becomes a cat. the pictures on his myspace show the gradual change and i lament the fact that all i'll have to remember it by was his "view more pics". i can only hope little evalyn will know her aunt michelle more than i know her feline son, davy bowie. yes, i call him davy. or baby bowie. and when i lay down for sleep at night my mind takes me on little excursions where i find myself with evalyn doing things like feeding her green pea mush or playing peek a boo or imaging her teacher taking roll yelling out "evie eggert" to a "here" sweet little reply. but i don't know, maybe it'll be a landon or, as my father would like, a little fredrick the 4th. but that just would just be cruel.

in a spat of brutal honesty the other day i sent off an email to an old friend about this whole 'me being pregant' thing. as soon as i sent it remorse immediately sunk in: i was sure she would be now praying for the poor child i will be giving birth to in 7 months. it was an email that revealed how i don't feel ready, how bizaare and freaky i think the miracle of creating a life in your womb is, and how i...i wished i wasn't pregnant. i needed to feel understood and this particular friend is not only the non-judgemental type but she also provided just enough segway for me to launch into it. but it wasn't the thought of being the center for someone's disapproval that scared me, it was what i had shared that made me shake in my boots. the truth.

then last night i had this dream that i was swinging on a swing set while holding my child. and i remember feeling this extreme love at feeling my child's arm hold onto me as it lay in my lap. i woke up this morning with a love for my child for the first time. it's pretty awesome.

sundays will never be the same

christmas in my...

dallas had never so looked than the day winter had it's way. i was living on lower greenville at the time in an one bedroom duplex with a smu girl i didn't really know. the plan was that we would share a bedroom but come moving day i couldn't bring myself to sleep in the same room with leopard printed sheets. so every evening i converted the couch into my bed. like many of the other older houses in that part of dallas- our duplex didn't have central air or heat. and it was the dead of winter. there with me in the living room was the main furnace, a prehistoric giant of his day, with only one level to keep the gas light: full throttle. i slept with a wooly mammoth of a blanket that was so warm on most nights i didn't need the heater, but then their were those nights where even my blanket from antartica, as warm as it was, couldn't fit the bill; those are the nights we would light the furnace and all of the M streets would have to turn of their heaters in fear of global warming. in order i didn't wake up roasted i would fully open one of the windows directly behind my head. this mixture of freezing cold air meeting the mouth of hell stabilized the temperature in the living room at a quite comfortable level. albeit, it wasn't very safe but then again, as i saw it, neither was passing out from dehydration in my sleep. this one particular night, while i layed sleeping, something magical was happening; a sweet song was being played on every blade of grass, on every forgotten fallen leaf, on every roof shingle, and on every street from highland park to knox/henderson to lakewood to me on lower greenville. i woke up that morning to an array of unusual pecularities. for starters, the morning glow that was typically bright and brassy was sweet and celestial; the sound of passing cars was replaced with silence, silence that gave way to soft crackles and slow dripping water. i raised myself from the embrace of comfort and looked out the foggy window in curiosity...it was snowing, and it had been for quite some time. not knowing exactly why but instantly a shrill of joy shot through me at this sight. i jumped from my bed and dashed to the cd player. the day before i had been listening to el gato's (at that time) new single, 'christmas in my city'. there was no need to rethink the mornings music selection-i hit the play button and returned to my wooly mammoth. i spent quite some time that morning just gazing out that window towards the white covered street. i had never seen anything so beautiful or magical before- where the snow covered trees met along the street to greet eachother above- making a make believe tunnel for my make believe carriages to take my make believe families into my makers winter wonderland.

years have gone by since then without a single snow storm to challenge that memory. and while the snow laid last night has been tainted with morning rain, having jon wake me up in the middle of the night to show me the winter wonderland outside, is sure having me re-evalute first place.