abruptly after 9-11, when the economy went belly side up, i experienced first hand, a different sort of stress. it was a stress of finacial woes; it was a stress of realizing that the amalgamation of talent and charm could and would no longer lead me to my dreams...that i should have taken the scholarship to pugent sound university or baylor; it was a stress that stemmed from boredom, from unproductivity, and from uncertainty. and because of it, this unforeseen stress, slowly but surely, i begun to notice that so much of me had gone awry; that such a vast part of who i was, was suppressed and suffocating in the murkiness of it all. i witnessed the leaves change colors fall in and fall out, the clouds expel their april showers three times over, my jean size go from a comfy size 4 to a startling size 0, and life demand i mark three more notches on the already twenty one marked next to my bedpost before the reverse made it's debute. indeed, just recently i started to feel like i was no longer being held back by limitations and restrications; that i'm breathing for the very first time in a hundred years: gasping at the fresh air, wanting to sink deep down inside it, every part of me, at different moments and intervals, all the while splashing and kicking, cannon balls and belly flops into it. this bubbly buzz of love and purpose gushing out my soul into laughter and smiles; into well wishes and dreams, re-creating plans; formulating action, but moreso, detecting the sensation of hope being reborn, and with that, a verve of peacefulness. still, this sharaha isn't all butterflies and warm fuzzies as i'm painting it out to be. i'm busy as hell. i'm tired. i'm stretched too thin and in desperate need of a vacation from highland park residents and responsability in general. plus, the money never seems to be enough, but at least, despite my discontent with the quanity, it's there. enough of it there to allow me to indulge in small doses of organic-over-priced food, to entertain the notion of yoga classes at one of the holistic studios in uptown, to attend at a discounted price the curiosa festival coming up, to visit erik in the big apple this fall, and jon in the boon docks of oregon. oh yes, and to buy the shirt you see here in this post. though, i know i shouldn't focus on material things, after a long period of going without, it's hard not to want to compensate. at least for me that is. but above all, right now, i'm happy to concentrate on making strides. long and beautiful strides.
Thursday, August 05, 2004