Wednesday, April 07, 2004

to die or not to die

to my bewilderment time wasn't extended; grace wasn't allotted; mercy wasn't taken out of the bottle and passed around the table; sisterly love was, and is, temperamental, that is if you believe love doesn't kick you out from underneath the roof from which you call tremporarily lodging with no where to go and no time to get there for ridiculous reasons yet reasons nonetheless. that was saturday. the day i spent feeding distraction to my over-whelming, under-planned jitters. and it worked for the most part. because earlier in the day i spoke with a girlfriend who has a heart the size of the ussr but who is working two jobs and going to school full time with a boyfriend on the side who despite all that opened her arms and her room to me, if only we can arrange a rendevous to move my minimal necessities in, to meet the parents i will for the next month call landlords. it's a frenzy. and the more frenzy i experience the more i realize how dependent i am upon structure and stability. not in the vagueness of the words but in the very resonance of their syllables and vowels; their silence and absence creates a whirlwind of emotions, an allegory: a dresser with all it's drawers hastily and violently pulled out, socks in with the lacy brassiers, lacy brassiers stuffed into the tee shirts and tee shirts wedging the workout clothes drawer; my ebbing clarity. i'm lashing out at someone i should be batting my eye lashes at. but it's him who is receiving my pinned up agnst against my indescribable hatred for this frenzy, while, it's him who has opened up his arms till my other opened arms can find the time to pull me closer. it's him, like her, who is going to school, who is busting his balls working and trying to make up lost time with responsibility at one time he had neglected. i'd like to think under normal circumstances i would emphathize past idealistic understanding to the state of practical understanding-enthusiatic appreciation but i'm beginning to doubt the godspeed of normal back into my life and being diagnosed with a case of transference neurosis. i've never been so concerned with justifying myself. i know this isn't the usual me but why in the hell i care so much that that is seen and explained...i just don't know.

finally on friday afternoon i got ahold of my father. he had a dream that i died in a car wreck with someone else, and that this happened, on a road trip. of course, portland. of course, a horse is a horse, of course, of course- a god dream. some would bless the sky for the divine warning sign. some would throw salt over their shoulder. some might rub a rabbits tale or book a flight instead but in this paragraph i am no some of the some's; i am, skeptic and way too tired of dallas, of texas, of man manipulating his desires to be the almighty's, of being told to trust the almighty, of leaning on the promise of destiny verus ingenuity and admitting-"shit happens" and you alone are responsible for anything else to happen, of the void in aesthetic pleasing terrain of the midwest and the bleak future staying here projects to heed this warning. however i still place great importance on honoring my father and my mother. they have done nothing but earned every ounce of respect and honor i could possibly give so without the blessing of my father, as unfortunate and depressing as it is, i'll stay put.

for now. ;)

otherwise, i'm listening to this on-line station, kexp 90.3, that pretty much is fantastic. thus far i've heard all the favorites, such as: snow patrol, damien rice, radiohead, unkle, and jesus & mary chain plus stuff i've never heard of: ester drang, outhud, lansing-dreiden, and aveo. ohhhh and now, iron and wine. sooooo mellow. sooo nostaglic.

also breaking the headlines of my life, BELLE MIGHT BE COMING BACK SOON. which is bad, very bad, because she has a huge event she has been planning and won't be able to be their for it, not to mention this NEWS is right out of left field like no bodies business and that springing of change, of alterartion is no fun when your livelihood, your hopes and dreams are the foundation of the earth quake. though, truth be told, i'm excited to have her back. a very selfish excitement.

and gordon lightfoot, also known as bryan when in one his queer as folk moods, is definately moving to NYC in less than a month. i think a moon bounce and keg of shiner is in order.

best be off to work.

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