Friday, April 16, 2004

the apprentice, god, and mis-spellings galore

before the plot has a had a chance to form i usually can correctly predict the ending/the killer/the underdog that is going to save the day/the villian that your going to want to root for/etc and etc. i can sing the correct words to the chorus of a song i've never heard before simply by listening to the first few verses. i can determine crushes being formed before their voiced. and sadly enough, even though i knew, i'd still fall for the boy i knew was going to eventually fall for my best friend and her for him; been caught suprised when the little girl was the killer though i thought it all along; hummed instead of belting it out. doubting my keen sense of perception, caught in the crossfire of it's accuracy. tonight was no different. quami, of the apprentice, made it to the end but then was beaten by olwhatshisname, and even though i knew it was going to happen, yet still, was i disappointed that who i had hoped for since the very beginning, though doubting if he could pull it off, got fired. i'll get it right one of these days; one of these days i'll prepare myself for the inevitable, an inevitable i knew and i'll be happy with the outcome. and this i hope you see has drifted from my disappointemnt about trumps choice to life in it's general scheme. a scheme that hands you both crisp washington state apples and rotten border town oranges.

it's suprising to me how gracefully belle is handeling having to come back to the states. it's friggin perspective at it's finest. it's trust that god has a bigger plan than what we can see. it must be that peace that comes from trusting something or someone bigger is behind the wheel and that they have your best intrest in mind. t-r-u-s-t in something you can't see........a guarantee without a warranty, wow. it's inspiration. it's not lying to yourself- it's admitting in disappointment, hurt, and pain while remaining true to believing that "His ways are not our ways". achieving that with gladness in your heart and skeptism laid aside is just mind boggeling. finding the lesson at hand amidst personal disappointment; the sensation of abdonment/rejection/dreams undone, incredible in a magnificent sort of ridiculouness. conscience to the the silver lining on every dark cloud, that at the end of every rainbow is a pot of gold, a treasure chest of cliches to be discovered. though i could get philospohical, carry on for hours in heated debate with myself, and to those that will continue in the quest for irrefutable logic, i congratulate you, i lift my bottled water to your lifelong adventure and your eventual arrival to metaphyics or agnotistic liberation. while i honor such feats, i know it's too exhausting for me. i always thought skeptism was an achievement, something to dote myself above the masses; my quest for TRUTH, winding down the alleys of Nietzche up to the balcony with Kiekkergard, always playing to not play "the extensionalist". rough housing with Kant, fantazing about Socrates, playing tic-tac-toe with the ideas of Dewey: logic and understanding ya'll. and yet i'll never be able to abdon it completely. i'm a lifelong addict to thought and the pursuit of truth. but the truth i found at six years old is the only truth at twenty-four my heart will let it wrap itself around. it's the truth that has belle cool as a cat during a time in which most, if not outwardly then inwardly, would undergo a battle with doubt and wavering. it's the truth that god is good and he's in control. plain and simple, no ifs ands buts about it. aka: absolute confidence in absolute divine attributes. at times it is so hard to swallow. when the world comes crashing around your feet or the news brings headlines of war and an incurable HIV epidemic in god, at those moments it's so effin hard. etc, etc eg: i went to romania to be a beam of hope totting with me humatarian goodies and on the outside i succeded but their was something dissettling about seeing those children full of endless possabilities and knowing that they would most likely spend the rest of their young life in an orphange to be kicked out onto the streets by the age of 18 without any education, any skills and nowhere to go...i just wanted to stick my head in the ground as a professing christian who could only bring a year supply of pencils, socks, and tooth paste. i wanted reasons. i wanted justice. i wanted god's goodness to not stop at the border of western civilization. but i'm venturing too far away from shore. these are things i'll never be able to fully communite anyways.

it's getting late. it's not friday anymore, it's saturday and first thing tomorrow morning i need to mozzy on out of here back up to dallas. i can't wait to see lou, to play scrabble with jon, to hear all about wtf is up with andy these days but better than godiva chocolate ice-cream, i get to go see the ffg with my best friend and ec on thursday night.

life has it's rotten oranges, quami got fired, but damn just check out those apples!!!

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