Tuesday, April 27, 2004

shine...,schmine. turn around...,schmernaround.

i suppose it's fitting that i ran out of time thursday to finish that post because that's exactly how long the shining lasted; a morning kiss on my boob, an evening spent watching mtv, a lemon cake, an excitement to trust, a sensation of optomism and happiness for the present moment. but it was gone before it was ever here. still i'm shining, but not from the joy that comes from having the chance to make someone you love happy, but from a day at the beach and the continual laughter that is inescapable when my sister and i are togather.

every girl knows the only way to prove your moving on is to get a drastic haircut or a new boyfriend. but the thing is, i'm really happy with the length of my hair and i'm super duper picky so i've decided to add a loop hole to the "see, i'm so over you" exclamation mark of break-ups/endings. mine will be a day trip to Mexico with my sister, learning how to play the bass, organizing a book club, hosting dinner parties and game night, daydreaming about falling in love with the man who will fall in love with me, and spending the money i was saving to buy him a new computer with on new shoes for me or, maybe, on fixing my cars tire alignment. it's really bad, within the past year i speulate i've had about five flat tires, and three of those were blow-outs on the highway. the most recent, yesterday. i'm scared for the day that luck abdons me and i'm left on the side of road in oakcliff in the middle of the night or the blow out that i can't handle and am sent plowing 70mph into the car next to me.

almost ten years ago, while returning home from watching a soccer game with teny-tiny in the front seat, belle and non-blogger friend in the back seat, a car ran a red light; sending the back seat passengers to the hospital, the girl with parrots in her back seat and no insurance to the other side, and my car into a swamp and from their, the junk yard. for months i wouldn't drive through that stop light, avoiding it at all costs, creating lengthy detours to the soccer fields that in the past were only ten minuets away. i'm not sure how much time went by, but, eventually i decided that i wouldn't let the past dictate the roads i did or didn't take to arrive to my desired point of destination, that i would face my monster, and hopefully this time around, make it through the green light. it was then that i first felt fear cripple my arm, sending some sort of electrical shock of tension and pain through the tips of my finger tips to my elbow. it's a rare occurance but every now and again if i've come close to have been hit or hitting someone else i can feel my arm feeling as it did that day. the blow out yesterday caused the most intense pain my arm has ever felt.

i guess the wisest thing to do is to fix my tire alignment and settle for proving that i've moved past jon by day dreaming after dinner parties in my old diesels; happy and content with the way things have ended.

damian rice took the words out of my heart: "i'll be fine, just give me time".

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