Thursday, February 26, 2004


the words dance, laying on a distressed bed of scattered blankets, and I, platonic in musing; drifting to starring, at an empty wall, where then my hands find themselves tucked inside a book of collected stories. the air outside is cold, the heavens are drenched in grey, and my clothes are wet, tumbling and tossing in a box of mechanical warmth, i wait; the song that brought me to this melancholy has stopped and the silence unfolds revealing the drone of the space heaters hum. without socks my toes turn to phalanges of ice but i'm comfortable: naked, adjusting my vision away from the empty wall, slowely but surely, nonetheless, happily content. i've been reading. a short story. delightful. and now i'm telling myself it's time to get moving. to get dressed. to either break plans or go. rachel and me have another adventure painted on the horizon for tonight but i'm in one of those moods, a lazy-as-as-a-bum mood, wanting to do nothing, to drive no where, ecspecially not dallas in the middle of rush hour mood of all moods. she called me earlier and told me she was lonely, her (live in)boyfriend is on tour, and so i don't want to cancel on her. i know all to well what it feels like to be without a friend when you, unfortunately but desperately, need that confidence that your not all alone in this world; that someone cares enough about you to go out of their way to be there for you; damit, to make you feel special. life can sometimes throw circumstances and situations and bad days were knowing isn't enough, on such days you need to see it, to fuckin feel it. i've got alot to digest right now. alot on my mind. i started a new job yesterday, nothing of importance, but a job with a paycheck at the end of every two weeks and after countless months of selling my old clothes and cds(or as I know them to be, my children), i'm happy to compromise. it's not all that bad fact, i like it. part of the reason is that i made a friend from the get-go. cat, that's her name, wants to own her photography studio one day, loves bjork, is married to an aviation pilot whom she religiously refers to as "that guy", conjures with me on topics such as heels and make-up(we rather do without, sorry girls), she loves independence as much as i do but just as I: finds herself clingy when too much independnce is alloted and this bothers and flusters her as it does me, in so many other ways, cat and i are alot alike. and because my new friend and i are so very similar i've been reminded of the hopes and aspirations i gave up, or, i wussed out on, and now i'm stuck wondering, for what?!? it was about freedom-an independence to do whatever i wanted, with no restrications or expectations forcing me down paths i wanted to be the only person in control of... but those reasons are six years old and now i know how stupid i was; how i wish i was on staff at jane or clamour and how now, i'm just that much more behind it every being a reality for not taking the oppurtunities i was given and dropping school when i should have been dropping the cell phone bill and ego instead. i keep telling myself, "all's not lost", and fingers crossed i'll prove myself true. a horse named charlie just grabbed my toes, it feels like their making the Dr.Spock sign, Weird.

No comments: