Monday, January 23, 2006

the anxiety is new, and this is coming from someone who has waited tables for over 5 years. i laid on the floor tonight. just laid there and breathed, focusing on stretching the tense muscles in my lower back; on releasing the pressure within my lungs. relief took only a few minutes but the mystery of why is, hours later, lingering with me; attempting to make a full circle of anxiety. what was it that Buddha taught...don't be concerned with that you can't control, or something of the sort. but it's that process of realizing, of making an effort, a push as to what you can control and what you can not, of what is in your realm of responsibility (and ability) and what is not that is the Great Concern. and then there is the internal hissy fit, where things didn't go as you imagined them or wanted them or needed them; but your an adult and you've been taught to deal with the cards life has dealt, to be the bigger person, to put on a happy face- so you swallow the worm, you adjust, you try with everything you have in yourself to keep the worm down. and the worse thing is, you know your being narrow sighted, you know you should slap yourself, you know you have it real good.

i've started reading one of those dummy books, the one for grammar and usage. it's frustrating to read my own blog entries as i'm painfully aware i'm doing It All wrong. i wasn't always so bad. once upon a time i knew where to put semi-colons but years went by without any sort of accountability or regard; i filled my poor little head with everything from proust to nin to king james to eggars to chabon, each with their own style, muddling my vague recollection of 8th grade grammar lessons in the consecution.

and now the approach of midnight is doing it's own type of muddling. goodnight.

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