i can hardly wait...

little girl names i like:
1. evalyn
2. lily
3. hazel
4. celeste
5. ariel
6. eve
7. paloma
8. michelle
9. anabelle
10. prudence

little boy names i like:
1. oliver
2. conrad
3. haden
4. mason
5. calvin
6. landon
7. noble
8. earnest
9. jonathan (junior)
10. ivan

immaturity does crazy things with our heads, mine in particular. the naiveness of my youth had me believe that all one had to do to rid themself of something or someone unpleasant was to ignore it, to pretend it didn't exist, and/or to avoid dealing with it at all costs. which, in a conceptual sort of way works just fine; unfortunately, reality, as in this regard, deals in the definitive-laying waste to the idealism of relativity and subjectivity-demanding, by inevitability or a personal conviction to grow up, accountability and ownership despite the horrors it might, and probably will, entail. i know this now more than ever as of tonight when i began the dreadful search into my credit.

see, back at the tender age of 18 i foolishly accepted a credit card to american eagle and exxon, then opened a checking account at a bank. a few years later i bought a brand-spanking-new car and took out a student loan for school. i did all this in the face of my parent's advice against it; afterall, at the time, i was working more than enough to supplement my bills and anyways, i seemed to be doing just fine. but as dad knows best, i wasn't so great at balancing a check book or remembering to pay my bills on time. before i knew it, i had bad marks on my credit report and before anyone knew it, 9-11 happened. nuff said.

i vowed years and years ago to distance myself from any sort of credit card (as if anyone in their right mind would give me one) and bank. from that point on i became a "cash is cash does" sort of girl. but that didn't stop the collectors, they kept sending me threatening letters and i kept, except for the occasional walk down memroy lane, throwing them away without even opening them. i had heard that after 4 or 7 years if you haven't made payment or contact with your debtors the discrepancies go away; and so, i've waited to the point of forgetting.

then tonight something said in conversation with jon had me switching online gears from myspace.com to annualcreditreport.com. i began wondering what might be in there. i seemed to have cleaned up my act pretty good within the past couple of years but heaven and experian only knows just how nasty that past of mine might be. and not only that but, since it has been 7 plus years for alot of my debts, and since i do remember a letter here and there from attorney offices about variuos debts, the likelihood is that: had i not ignored those letters i could have filed a Statue Of Limitations and be free of my past but, because i chose to close my eyes to reality i, in all probablity, now have judgements against me that can last a lifetime. and the really sad thing is, had i made contact with my creditors orginally, all this could have been cleared away for a few hundred dollars. i probably spent that, and then some, on starbucks alone last year.

i have no idea yet if repairing my credit is do-able but at least i'm looking at it in it's ugly face and not one bit afraid to french it if i have to.

tastes like chicken

when i was seven years old my father took my sisters and i to a boxer breeder to pick out our future puppy. it was every seven years old dream come true: puppies pinning you to the ground with wet kisses and bites that tickled. like the pattern the rest of my life would take, i chose the quiet one. we named her peggy sue and she was the best dog ever. when i was sick peggy would lay with me, not leaving me alone for a milisecond; when i needed a shoulder to cry on peggy would just sit there as i wrapped my arms around her pouring tears onto her shiny coat; when a stray dog tried to attack me and my tennis game, peggy like lassie, was there to protect me; when i had slumber parties peggy was true blue and let me and my girlfriends paint her nails all sorts of hideous shades; she was the sort of dog disney makes movies about and death can not touch the memory of. of course, she wasn't perfect- her toots were lethal, she had it out for the mailman bad, and she loved the taste of my mothers leather shoes. never less, i don't remember Life With Peggy being filled with frustration after frustration as i am currently experiencing with lou dog. maybe it's me not wanting to touch the perfect picture i have of my first dog.... regardless, Life With Lou is a whole other ballgame. recently, he has taken up an old habit: the habit of eating the crotch out of my dirty undies. and of course, he has impeccable taste at which pairs he chooses to snack on. never the old cotton ones, but the new silky, ruffled, lacey-basically, just the ones i found at stores i couldn't afford anything else but(t). i feel partially responsible. if i had done the laundry before it got so out of control it was spilling out of the laundry basket perhaps he wouldn't have been able to get to it; or, like, if i didn't have a Vag maybe then my cute undies wouldn't be heading off to a landfill. i don't know how to end this...my dog likes the taste of my dirty undies so much he eats the crotch right out. what else is there to add?!?

despite my inner voice begging not to blog about the recent change in my body odor (or lack therewas), i'm going to anyways. see, it all started happening about the time i found out i was pregnant. i began to notice a musky smell i had smelled before on other people but never on myself: it was the dreaded stench hippie’s worldwide-yes the infamous stank of B.O! this might be gross to some, but i swear, i have never needed deodorant. never. my sweat, well at least Use to be, completely and mysteriously, odorless. i could go out for a five mile run, be just drenched in sweat, and not smell at all. i chalk this phenomenon of mine up to the fact i limit the amount of animal fat and animal bi-products in my diet- but i have no Fitness or Shape article to back this up. totally hypothetical. now all of a sudden though, i'm smelly-i stink-and since i haven't bought deodorant since Teen Spirit, and therefore have no idea what to buy now that i'm Adult Spirit, i've been using my husband's manly ArmGuard (or something super masculine like that) then masking that up with my perfume, Burberry Brit. as you could imagine, i now smell like a girl who just got, not just some, but Alot. and although i don't mind that perception, i would like my own deodorant stick. any suggestions?

today in pictures


a family of deer came by the apartment this afternoon for some tea and scones. mr. buck (as seen in the thicket) was a tad on the shy side, but overall we all had a blast.


the bump is getting so bumbalicious i'm having no choice but to wear quasi-maternity clothing. everyone has told me that with your first one you don't begin to show till your 6 months or so but my belly is out to prove them all wrong.

the anxiety is new, and this is coming from someone who has waited tables for over 5 years. i laid on the floor tonight. just laid there and breathed, focusing on stretching the tense muscles in my lower back; on releasing the pressure within my lungs. relief took only a few minutes but the mystery of why is, hours later, lingering with me; attempting to make a full circle of anxiety. what was it that Buddha taught...don't be concerned with that you can't control, or something of the sort. but it's that process of realizing, of making an effort, a push as to what you can control and what you can not, of what is in your realm of responsibility (and ability) and what is not that is the Great Concern. and then there is the internal hissy fit, where things didn't go as you imagined them or wanted them or needed them; but your an adult and you've been taught to deal with the cards life has dealt, to be the bigger person, to put on a happy face- so you swallow the worm, you adjust, you try with everything you have in yourself to keep the worm down. and the worse thing is, you know your being narrow sighted, you know you should slap yourself, you know you have it real good.

i've started reading one of those dummy books, the one for grammar and usage. it's frustrating to read my own blog entries as i'm painfully aware i'm doing It All wrong. i wasn't always so bad. once upon a time i knew where to put semi-colons but years went by without any sort of accountability or regard; i filled my poor little head with everything from proust to nin to king james to eggars to chabon, each with their own style, muddling my vague recollection of 8th grade grammar lessons in the consecution.

and now the approach of midnight is doing it's own type of muddling. goodnight.

And Now This Is Happening



every single morning i wake to find an 105 lb dog sleeping on the couch and every single morning i scold him and beat him for doing it. he knows he's not suppose to but he doesn't care, the dog is satan. i got home this afternoon from the obgyn to the suspension that the dog had been napping in my bed. however, i had no proof. i hadn't been home more than ten minuetes when i turned around and saw the dog back on the couch. strike 3. so although the weatherman is advising all pets and elderly be put indoors this afternoon, lou will not.



he will be outside in the sloshy snow.

my myspace "about me" and i really think i nailed it:

i think capitalizing, typically, is a waste of time.

i wish computers were never made available to the general public.

i can't spell to save my life.

i have about ten different spiral notebooks i use for "to-do" lists and personal finance tracking and projecting.

i wish they sold peanut butter by the gallons at normal grocery stores.

i put french fries on my hamburgers and potato chips on sandwhiches but i'm not into rosemary potatoes on egg sandwiches.

i've only turned down having sex with jon once.

i like people who have inhibitions with people.

i don't take myself or much else too seriously but at the same time i have great disdain for those who put too much importance on the unimportant.

i know your only suppose to like one or the other but i, equally, like the beatles and the rolling stones.

i own and wear a pair of cowboy boots.

i keep a pink plastic butterfly that came from a cupcake a good friend gave me pinned to my purse.

i think you can know alot about a person by the way and where they park, as well as the shoes they wear and the music they like.

i can sincerely say that i love my little sister more than i love myself.

with that said, i do take friendship and love uber duber seriously.

i love walking, traveling, and the sunshine.

i want to learn how to rock climb because i think i have rock climbers legs already.

my dream job is to own and operate an open floral shop like the ones in denmark.

i want to take care of my parents when they get old.

i'm married to my one and only.

my dog is a sinner.

and finally, i have a little bambino on the way, due sometime in the first week of july.

(ridiculously) bored

i should have made a point to blog when i was in dallas-when i had some resemblance of a life. here i'm at total loss of inspiration, of accounts; there isn't much and i don't do much, or see much or meet much...at all. i'm growing a baby, sure. it's awesome-i think i know where it's over sized little head is because the left side of my belly kinda pokes out more than the right, but overall the pregnancy is very non-eventful at this time. i wouldn't even know i was pregnant if wasn't for the fact i spent the last three months feeling like ass day in and day out, or that i haven't had a period in three months, and that my mother is constantly prying into my folic acid intake.

now that the wedding is over and the spontaneous throwing up has come to an end, i would love to get a job. yesterday i went to a flight attendant group interview but had to bail after realizing the job- in conjunction with becoming a new mom- were very incompatible. there isn't much opportunity here in southern oregon, especially if your post-high school education ended prematurely; but even if i had a bachelors degree i would be looking at the promise of $12 an hour, $15 at best. as my experience in the Office Place stands now i can hope to find something for $8 an hour-where as I need to make at least $11 to keep us afloat. i don't want to, i try not to, but i get discouraged, i become depressed, and i begin resenting this place. i'm not very good at masking my emotions, so jon inevitably sees and so hears my disdain; which, consequently, frustrates and irritates him.

i don't know what to do-we can't move until the tax situation is taken care of and there is enough cushion for such a move. now that a baby is on the way there are so many factors to take into consideration: you can't just leap without looking, everything has to be mapped, i's have to dotted and t's crossed; neighborhoods are taken into account, making sure health insurance will be provided is as important as making sure you have enough for gas for the trip.

i would very much like to throw my hands up in the air in defeat, pack-up, and move it on but now i'm stuck-i have no choice but to preserver through a situation i find seemingly hopeless. this maybe is the reason why i’m here because lord knows that when the going gets despondent, i sign out. it's a virtue i've never been able to master let alone accomplish.

well, here goes nothing. literally. ;)

perhaps i'll go running tomorrow morning.

silly time lines

good lord, it's magnifacent outside today...versus the glorious inside yesterday... wow, i even write as retarded as i think, amazing. but yes the sun is out, something that doesn't happen too often here in southern oregon and there are fugly clouds in the distance being held back by hills that look like mountains. i hope this lasts forever.

jon and i are going to church this morning. i guess my grandmother is right, "i've settled down". no more brunch at the church of terrillis, no more lessons of champagne and eggs benedict. i'm like a real adult-going to church on a sunday morning with plans to come home afterward and fix my hubbie lunch. i got a call from my cousin in florida this morning, she had just heard the news of me being pregant and wanted the 411, so i indulged her and she indulged me with the family gossip on that end. poor 21 year old thing is being told she needs to settle down like me. i told her to never settle down, never stay in only one place, and most of all-to never listen to me.

Later That Day

we never made it to church. jon felt too sick afterall, he's been ill since we got married but has been doing somewhat better this weekend. i wonder if his body is rejecting covenant... hmm. it's been an interesting first week of marriage. not alot of sex like i lead you to believe but alot of me serving dayquil and chicken and noodle soup and orange juice and tlc to my new hubbie wubbie. our honeymoon wasn't much different. there were a few times he was able to come play with me but most of the time my poor dear spent his recently accomplished marital status in bed whilst i skipped and whistled down the beaming beautiful streets of san diego below. and that's what happens when you go swimming in the freezing cold pacific ocean drunk in the middle of the night. *sigh* bachelor parties.

today i called the driver of a doubled park car an ass-nog. i feel as if it was one of my most brilliant moments yet. after being brilliant, i went inside target and discovered the global bazaar is going down. then i knew i was simply having a good day. sunny good day.

The Honeymoon

*starsailing will return after
the crazy marital sex ends.


we honeymooners at the san diego zoo


my favorite little guy


jon checking out the sea lions


the sea lions just chillin (our hotel was directly behind this cove.)


the happiest girl in the world


me checking out the room service menu


trying to catch the sunset out of a window in our hotel room

screw myth busters: i have daily proof a dogs mouth is dirtier than a humans, because last time i checked, me not lou brushes his teeth two times a day. and that's just the start of it.


(me taming the wild beast)

if i was smarter in the morning, this morning when i woke to find a 105 lb beast of a dog sprawled out on his back in human-imitating fashion sawing zzz's on THE COUCH, before yelling at him, i would have taken a picture, for it was, a pretty damn funny site to see. but as funny as his deliberate disobdience can be, most of the time i'm more annoyed at how relentless his deviant behavior is. no matter how hard you spank him or how mean you scold him, he will, right in front of your face, stick his in the trash can he is suppose to, and knows, to stay out of; he will, despite having a full bowl of water ten feet away, seize the oppurtunity for a drink out of the toliet bowl instead; he will, despite creative attempts to break his trance, make the ugliest snarls and growls you have ever heard if you get anywhere near his food bowl; he will, knowing he shouldn't, lay on anything laying on the ground-so yes, all my jackets and purses smell like dog ass and the couch has canine penis and ass juice soaked into it from where he cleans himself on it and the bathroom floor needs mopped daily(though i do it bi-weekly) from toliet fungi being dripped from his mouth as he leaves his watering hole and it's no longer a surprise to find trash in my bedroom from lou's picnics. this dog is running the show and i need advice on how to flip the tables on him without flipping the table on him.