Thursday, March 04, 2004

finding faith in ice-cream

living with a ten and eight year old i've learned many a things, like- naps are impossible to take while their home no matter how tired i am from the night before mayhem and responsability neglectfulness; that shit smells really bad when it has had time to sit and fester in the potty all day; that there is no such thing as privacy when your door doesn't lock; that yelling at them only makes me feel like a mean aunt not a source of discipline to structure their lifes by and that we all want life to be fair but it never was and it never will be.

yesterday some kid stabbed caleb with a pencil right in the hand. for no good reason. and not only that but the dweeb that went second grade psyco on him got off the hook scotch ass free. i try to teach them that to every action there is an equal re-action; that what goes up must come down; that life is composed of choices and those equal consequences be they good or bad, and so when injustice occurs, they come to me baffled, upset, and frustrated because the fact that god holds us all accountable isn't enough vindication for them. they like the security of science not spirituality.

i heard this sermon on the radio the other day about faith. about how it is not the anti-thesis of logic but the foundation. about how it is not blind but indeed the outcome of revelation. about how it is not achieved through leaping but through exceeding the limitations of logic through trusting in hope, hope in context to scripture, being concrete not a maybe. i know his thoughts and his ways are not ours-that through our human mind we can never fully comprehend the things of god, and that is the beauty in believing; that we do but i do not deny it is hard for me to look at the nostroties of life and all the injustices and have a hard time embracing the postive aspects of faith.

my cat is sick. it has diabetes. it has to get insulin shots and go to the vet all the time now and all that equals money, which thankfully, my parents are willing to shell out for. but really it's not fair that clover being born without a spirit must suffer the same punishment man, through his disobdience to the commandment of god to not eat the friggin apple, brought upon the earth.

and that's just about a cat. i have friends who have lost young siblings. i've seen children with aids. i've read "around the world" section in the paper. i've watched the 5 o'clock news. i've noticed the lady in the car next to me rub her head while crying.

faith. faith that god is just and good. i'm trying here. and i won't stop but ya know sometimes holding this belief is difficult and all it takes to push me here is an orange cat with high blood pressure and my nephew yelling blasphemy at newton's laws.

i told caleb what my parents told me when hit with the ball of injustice: life isn't fair and it doesn't all the time make sense but a banana split sundae helps make it better.

so we stopped at braums and after a few bites caleb's chocolate and caramel glowing face sang, god is just and good.

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