Wednesday, January 07, 2004


There is a scene in the movie Big Fish were the main character after years of working for the circus (in order to find out enough information about a girl he had only seen once), at last has recieved enough clues to finally find her. He believes with all his heart she is the One, his true love, his Destiny but when he spills the contents of his heart to her she sadly informs him, she is engaged. She then closes the door and as he walks away he throws his intended gift of flowers on the ground in utter defeat and heartbreak but then he stops and says something, I unfortunately can't remember it word for word, but to the effect: that one must know when the cards have been dealt and when to perserver. He perservers and he succeds with winning the heart of his true love. This confidence is something I wonder if I will ever get right. I'm so scared to be caught as a coward but even more afraid to be caught as a fool. When do you know to raise the white flag and when do you know to keep pushing, keep hoping, keep the Dream alive?!? What's from God and what have we made from God?!? Off course I could, theologically answere my own hypothetics, but the knowledge is of no benefit without it's revelation, and what defines what that revelation should be?!? About the age of 16, I knew I was to go to Romania and work with orphanges, I didn't know when and I didn't how and I didn't even know for how long but I knew I had to; it was something God laid on my heart so heavy I couldn't get myself around it, the desire and burden almost literally burned within me. By the age of 21 I had yet to have gone, I decided that maybe the burden was meant to encourage and inspire me to intercess for the situation there. I thought maybe it was just an emoutional rush I confused to be something of Supernatural granted Purpose. I thought maybe it wasn't God's timing and it wouldn't be till I was old and grey. All in all, I pretty much gave up without totally giving up and as soon as I did, a door was opened and the specifics fell magically into place, giving me no opition for skeptism or unbelief or fear, and hence, I, after years of hoping and dreaming, I went. But yet i've heard of stories and to an extant experienced some myself where the persons involved believed with all their heart; this or that, and that, this or that was God but when push came to shove, life gave a different ending or went the opposite direction. I just recently found out about a married couple I highly esteemed to have divorced. This blows my mind, almost as much if it had been my own parents, the both of them just incredible, warm, and caring people who loved God and always seemed to love one another. And like Belle Ella I can't comprehend how if two people truly loved and cared for one another at some point in time just one day decide they don't anymore. And that's exactly the way it is because love is also a choice you make, therefore your actions follow suit of that choice so somewhere down the line one or the other or maybe both decided not to/forget to act upon it/chose something else as the priority/jeopardized the trust/did something. There is always cause and effect, no consquence is without cause, be it good or bad. But why also two people committed in a covenant before God, would for whatever reason break it. Did they feel like fools in their marriages?!? But even as fools did they not relaize the promise they made to one another was forever no matter what?!? Maybe I do agree with Mark- maybe, "where there is a will there is a way". But how does that fit into the logic that a will does not always neccesarily produce a way in which the will, will have the desired outcome. Reality is if I willed to hover and float in my bedroom right now, I couldn't because their is no f*ckin possible way and yet if I willed to float I could, I would just have to go to space to do so. Hmmm. I do believe if you love someone Absolutely Nothing could contradict or hinder It. And if you make a covenant before God you best work that shit out or have never made it in the first place. I can't imagine being engaged. Within the past month i've had two different girlfriends do just that and part of me is always beyond being escatic for them while the other part of me is shitting in my pants for them. It's absolutely friggin incredible just the thought of knowing someone I care about has found that one person they are destined to spend the rest of their life with, but damn those are risky odds and let's face it, people aren't always the most logical when it comes to love. That's not to say you shouldn't try, just differniating trying with actually attaining. I'm not sure how my thoughts have drifted so far away from the point...this isn't about lovey dovey crap, it's about me being torn in between logic and idealism; about wondering if a Dormant Dream should be layed to rest or if I should keep the arrow pointed towards it; about trying to make sense and understand recent News i've been given.

It's too much to think about this late.( note: this was written earlier, then I ate dinner and talked with my brother in law for awhile about my Baby RAV4 and insurance situation and now at 1:50am, am just getting back to finish it)

Teny Tiny has the coolest Boy in the world. I'm still so super impressed from our post-craft shopping Pit Stop. Not only is he perfectly eccentrically nerdy but the boy can sing, play the drums, play the bass, and then he records and mixes and produces it all. But what really got me is how freakin GOOD it is. Watch out world, Pirro is going to rock Dada to the bones. Oh that's just as funny now as it was then.

Sweet Dreams.

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