Sunday, January 04, 2004

From the Journal: Not Nocturnal

It's a re-action to development, my unique personality: an early riser by nature, inclined to investment, moreso, willingness-dependence upon purpose and purpose derived from that which is; meaningful, long lasting, and beneficial yet while remaining vibrant and adventerous; grammatically a doof, sure, I roll with the punches unless of course the punches have me knocked out. Each day, each sunrise, each sunset, each and every moment in the middle eluding to the grand entrance of darkness upon the horizon-the view from here, the view from there was the view of the Year. High above the city of lights, sipping a glass of merlot on a bed of pillows under the open heavens surrounded by friends, some new and others lifelong, is just too precious to violate both the occasion and it's duration with drunken stupor.

Perhaps the result of me needing, exasperated beyond pretending, is a dire sensation for something tangible, something I can sink my teeth into, something I can take...enough has been assumed to be wasted and i'll be the second to disagree. It wasn't. You weren't. The ending was unfortunate but the beginning, it sticks in the most fashionable sense as, something I look back on, ahh retrospect, and discover an over-whelming heart of gratitude for your place that crossed my path. You changed me. And I try to forget the months that lay behind us, those will never not hurt, somethings are irrevocable and what you let happen....lingering, establishing this course of action, in each thought I try to forget. But i'm moving. With Speed. Not missing. But every now and again.

I hate to disappoint, to conflict, to be the one too tired and too hungry, without money or a bed, to advocate leaving the bar( for chrissakes Sky Bar) when everyone else is hooting and hollaring it up, but I was and indeed I did and had it not been for the understanding and huggledidodas Belle Ella freely offered, well, Yikes. I know next road trip oppurtunity I won't even bother unless my pockets are loaded. It really was a constant source of turmoil and tension, i'm just not use to being dependent on others and yet I had no other opition but to be. It was frustrating, being frustrated, being not in control and having no room or means to breathe, or, to find relief.

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