Tuesday, July 27, 2004

"meaningful-anxiety syndrome", that is the neurosis my, bachelors in psycology, brother-in-law prescribed me of having. and he is absolutely correct, i am the type who needs to feel that there is something meaningful in anything and everything i do: relationships, jobs, time, purchases, vacations, education, blogging, etc, and etc. i blame it on christianity; on the virgo personality trait; and, on middle child syndrome, and though at times i'm glad it exists there are those other times, i wish i wasn't always weighed down with the feeling of needing all the ingrediants of my life to be so; to have, in paramount terms, not only significant intention but in some manner of fashion, a signifcant outcome. i wish i could be content with the things and people in my life being nothing more than a buffer of time, of me being just another number and face; of one day leaving this earth with no real contributation given, or impact made. but i can't, no matter how much nietchze i read or sex and the city i watch; no matter how deep the holes are that i dig or how high the hurdles are i face...i want purpose that goes beyond the content for mediocricity and shallowness; i want to think on my death bed that i helped make this world a better place, that my existence left a positive dent and that those i chose to be in it, i loved and proved myself loyal, through words and action, with all my heart and soul. i get so down, so upset with myself, and with god, when that goal seems afar off from actualization. that's when i'll take a walk, and i remember that little sign on my 8th grade english teacher's wall that said, "if it is to be, than it is up to me". god granted: all i can do is my best.

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