lost in inhalation, found along the way

there are words and dreams and fears i keep to myself; disguised but not invisible, a vault of bashful yet lustily emoutions, and desires so sincere; so tender, so very subtle in their intensity. i guard their exposure because i should; because i ought to; because i'm afraid of their potential and actuality-paranoid of percieved niavity and assumption, but to share; to not just tell you stories, i know i must lift the veil and reveal my introspective qualities, just a little.

sunday morning i watched jon pull out of the drive way. moments before we were hugging-me crying and him consoling with gentle words. i thought that because of all the farewells i have recently endured i was prepared for this one, but i wasn't...at all. and despite that i knew this move was and is right for him-was and is an awesome experience, the fact that my live-in close friend was moving so far away, disabled me from hiding my secret-selfish-sadness from rolling down my cheeks.

it seems silly-something to be embarrased about, like trying to properly roll a r your first time in french class, when it's not-it's just the way in which i articulate, so very american-so very intense when it comes to those i love; becoming so very affected when one that i love is no longer in hugs reach; no longer waiting for me to get off work to watch a movie with or to go running with; no longer able to read a book while he plays computer games or she re-organizes her room, for the twentieth time that week. but their are friends: people. and this may not be something everyone can understand but it's something i know my sister does-the feeling of being alone when your not. and then the feeling of being perfectly content and happy and understood because your with that one person that gets you, that you can sit next to in a car with, and not speak a damn word for the entire distance in between point a and point b.

lately i've been listening to alot of sigur ros. it's been incessantly raining in tumultuous sheets, day and night. i've been reading the paper from front to back- religious about completing both crossword puzzles in it. there's the quelling rhythm of the storms and then there's just too much silence, not actual silence, but an internal hush brought on with the new void.

i'll stop and evalute. i'll think about how cool it is that all my friends are out and about living their lifes to the fullest. this makes me happy...no giddy, truely giddy. i contribute a part of this to me, because i'm like that; self-appraising ,contradictive, and encouraging. true i've allowed myself to indulge in this self-loathing but then it is also true that i've relentlessly encouraged each and every one of my friends to follow, whole heartdly, his or her dreams; cursing when i hear talk of giving up.

assuming is something i restrain myself from doing-i speculate, i hypothesis, i wonder but hardly ever do i assume (unless of course by not assuming i should be caught niave or foolish or pestimistic). but usually, for the most part, i don't. ecspecially when it comes to that which pertains to the future. this is a blessing and on it's flip side, it is a curse. i aim to be realistic but moreso, i aim to be optomistic. so here in 'the reality', i wonder and speculate and hypotheis what his move should mean and will mean.

and then, most off all, it boils downs to the fact that i miss him, more than i imagened i would; more than i know i should.

saturday night, jon and i went to the old monk for one more bon-voyage celebration. i took lots of pictures, drank lots of pink elephant beer, watched as hugs were exchanged, but i wouldn't let myself take the moment in, just too surreal.

because i don't have a computer, this post has taken me days to finish. a little here and little there. today is actually wednesday. i've spoken to jon a few different times as well as this morning. today he's somewhere in bewtween snow peaked mountains and the clouds. i haven't heard him be so chatty since i first met him over two years ago. he's obviously happy and it's beautiful...it's great.

the worst day of my life...continued

the bank was a happening place that morning. after a while another man in uniform showed up and this; the sight of two cop cars defensively positioned behind this miniture good records and the flag of russia bumber stickered suv, caused a scene for the public to interest themselves in. i kept on thinking that perhaps they had me confused me with some escaped convict or one of america's most wanted but as they approached the car, one on the right side telling me as he walked closer that, "Ms. Rose, you have warrants out for your arrest from the City of Six Flags and Arbor Days so I have no choice but to take ya in" , while the other officer sneaked very cautiously to the left side of my car i realized, it was nothing more than two bored and power hungry cops that were, not only going to take me in after i pleaded and showed them reciepts proving that i was in the process of taking care of all my old tickets but also, that i only had so much money but that they could trust that i was definately in the process, that regardlessly, they were going to handcuff me in front of everyone.

i don't remember my rights being read. i do remember feeling what seemed to be a thousand eyes burning themselves on me as the police officer asked me to step out of my car; and those some eyes penetrating me as i was put into handcuffs and ushered into the back seat of the cop car.

yep that's how i got here.

i called jon and my mother about nine hours ago. i figured my mother would wire jon the money to get me out-which meant that my she would have to go to the bank, and this i imagined would take maybe a hour. jon would then take the money to the clerk at the police station, and this i thought might take another hour. but as i lay here, having just finished my jail dinner, i don't think it happened. i have no idea what's going on and how long i'm going to be in here. the walls are suffocating me; i can hardly breathe in this limited space. i feel so confined, which is the point i know, but not all birds are meant to be caged for any amount of time and now i know i am that hybrid of a bird. i want to scream. loud. i want to rip out the sink and throw it at the wall. hard. i want to stick my head in the toleit till i loose consciousness. groose. the toliets don't flush. it faces the bars. the police officers walk by every thirty minuets or so. i have no privacy to go to the bathroom but i've done it anyways, three times. instead of acting upon anything i'm wishing i would do, i lay here and wish i wasn't here. i've avoided crying since my by law phone call, or in my case, phone call(s). but i'm loosening it. i'm really loosing my shit. the thought of being in here for another hour is ripping my instinates up through my throat. i never had a chance to call into work. i hope they don't fire me. i never had a chance to call rachel and cancel our plans to go bowling tonight. i'm sure she'll understand.

where are you jon?

i know he's doing everything he can. i'm sure of it. i can't wait to see him and thank him with my biggest warmest hug ever. he's really earning his true blue friend badge today. but why in the hell am i still in here. maybe theirs some paperwork he can't do because it's asking for information, like my social security number, that he doesn't know. i have no way of calling him to make sure theirs nothing i can do to help.

after numerous times of asking if i can make a phone call to see what's going on and to make sure theirs nothing jon or my mother need to know to get me outta here, i'm finally granted permission.

ten minuets later i hear a husky voice yell, "Ms.Rose". i know what this means. it means bail has finally been made-it means the paper work as finally gone through-it means, most importantly, that i can go home.

i give the officer a hug. she stands there not knowing what to do with this affection but i give it anyways.

jon's been working all day on getting me out and now he's on his way to pick me up. i've just spent the entirity of the day in jail but that pales in comparision to how blessed and thankful i'm feeling for jon.

i love this man. i hate jail.

the worst day of my life

in the distance i can hear the sounds of handcuffs clicking, of a police officer interogating, what i presume to be, a drunken hobo, of metal doors sliding open and then hastily closing, and of a girl quietly sobbing in her hands. i try to close my eyes tighter; wishing i could fall asleep and wake up somewhere else but the collection of sounds is too sureal and the mat on which i lay upon is cold and dirty. reality is, i'm in jail and there's no escaping it's presence. ten hours ago i was on my way to the bank, damien rice was bleeding himself through the speakers, and the day ahead seemed bright and productive. it was 9:30am and i was already off to a good start. that is until behind me pulled up a police car, whom then, followed me into the parking lot of the bank with his lights flashing those terrifying blue, red, and white streaks of noise. but that's not why i'm sitting here in this jail cell praying for my life to be over, and over now. no see, four years ago on my way back from a splendid day at the modern my foot became a little heavy and before i knew it i was waved to pull over so i could sign my autograph for a man in uniform. soon i realized he wasn't an admirer of my ability to go really fast in such a little suv nor did he have a thing for a pixie with big green eyes and blonde hair-nope, he was the law and i was caught breaking it by 15mph. this, in addition to a few other unpaid traffic violations, i had totally forgotten about till another man in uniform reminded me.

TO BE CONTINUED...

here and there

ivan lenin has a link to a great article about when the "Evil Empire" speech reached a man by the name of natan sharansky in his siberian prison camp; bella tells a heart warming tale about a little girl named abi; tony pierce gives his three cents on how you should blog; scientists in austria are proving to the world i'm not crazy for believing that teleportation is possible; madpony is calling quits because one of them, supposedly, is beating up a dead horse; while gordon lightfoot is making a come back; lorie bug accidentally wore her 300lb grandmothers lingere as a ghost costume; and candied ginger is having technical difficulties, again.

as for me, yesterday i was nearly attacked by a million spiders hiding in a book shelf my new room mate was wanting to sell at our next garage sale as i tried to move it inside to be my new bookshelf. fortunately, i have a very keen sense of danger and was able to drop the book shelf before the spiders could make me lunch. and now i'm off to eat my breakfast, sign up for some tai-chi classes, drop some things off at the dry cleaners, mail my dad his fathers day present and michelle a little something-something, vaccum out my car, and then to work.

zenaholic

saturday wasn't my birthday, it was just another summer day; a day i had off from work with extra funds wadded up in my beaded coin purse with little to do until jon's bon voyage party that evening. however, the universe at large didn't know better. it could smell something special- it could see my determination in making the day as beautiful as i was hoping it indeed would be.

by 9:30 that morning, after a night in which not much sleep was attained, my a.d.d was splitting my head in two. i had already watched as much real world as one is allowed to on any given day. i had showered; i had cleaned the living room and the kitchen and the bathroom, and so, there was only one more thing that i could think of doing to quench the time until, and that was shopping.

for the past year i have had to be as frugile as possible and that meant: no aveda hair products, having to scrap the bottom of my lip stick tub with the sharp part of the top of a ball point pen, selling my old clothes for used clothes at buffalo exchange, consuming more fast food in one year than in all my 24 years combined, relaying on the music section of the dallas observer for the inside scoop, and begging friends to burn me their newest purchases from good records.

i didn't want to over-compensate neccesarily, but i did feel some sort of compensation wasn't neccesarily over-indulgent either. i honestly needed new make-up, although having no choice but to be a'natural was nice; i needed shampoo and conditioner, although after a six months of using just whatever- i was beginning to second guess my attachment to aveda; and though i didn't really need any new clothes, i sure as hell wanted to get something cute to wear to the party that night. i set a budget making sure i would have enough for the keg and for buns and for the remainder of time until i would be recieving my next paycheck. and so off i went to the mecca of materialism, the northpark mall.

and here is why i believe the universe believed it was birthday:

my first stop was at the lancome counter in foleys. with assistance from the wrinkled sun bleached sales lady, i decided on a nice rosy mauve shade of lip stick and an under eye conclear for mornings where you wake up and need a little help on disguising the lack of sleep from the night before. as we approached the register she inquired about my shoe size, which being a girl i knew this could mean only one thing-gift time!!! and sure enough that's exactly what it was.

walking out of foleys, not even 11am and, i already had a sense that it was going to be a great day. before i had a chance to blow a kiss to the stars above i stumbled right upon an aveda promotional sting. realizing life was trying to lay a wet one on me i confidently approached the pack of blonde bombshells in their hip black attire and inquired the purpose of this sight, in which, they whipped me away for a complimentary massage, blow out, make-over, and a bottle of personalized perfume. i thanked them with a few purchases and a beaming smile of gratitude.

i hoped right onto clouds and skipped my way over to club monoco. by this point i was in love with the world; every baby, every old man, every dirty mexican glazing me with his lusty eyes, every smu princess totting her newly purchased goods from lacoste and burberry and neimans. in such moods i can't help but to make friends at every place i enter and so i spent and twenty dollars on a tank top and a hour chatting with the sex in the city-esque sales ladies.

then over to anthropologie where i found the cutest stripped capris on sale.

and alas to nine west where i bought the hippest yellow mary janes that, unfortunately hurt like hell so i doubt if i'll ever wear them again. regardless, they are super cute despite of the icky and painful blisters they gave me.

after a few hours of the best shopping ever i knew it was time to get on with the rest of my day but as i'm walking out to my car with all my new goodies dangling from my arms, a smile stretched from ear to ear, i ran into a guy friend who, before i could even open my mouth for a "heeeellllllooooo lovely", bursts out laughing at what i imgaine must have been quite a sight, then chuckles, "girls".

damn straight pirro.

float on

there are two ways to greet the inevitable and change: reluctantly or happily, the first ensures unneccesary turmoil and pain while the later offers perspective and growth. i've tried to live my life always excited about the different turns and forms it takes, and, the different people that come and then, that go.

i remember one day in grade school, kristy and i had got caught passing a note in class in which lied our secret feelings about one of our teachers. sure enough we were sent to the office, given swats, detention, and were warned that our parents would be called immediately about our lack of respect and honor for our authority figure. after we were let out of the office recess was taking place, so kristy and i huddled ourselves in the darkest corner of the playground to dicuss the unfairity of what had just happened. sure we were passing a note in class but nothing too horrible had been written to justify not only swats but detention, and a meeting with our parents in which we were sure to be grounded and given more swats at home. i decided i would never write another note about a teacher and so after a few minuets of discussing this i was ready to play again but kristy was black and blue with the inevitable punishment we were to recieve at 3 o'clock that afternoon. i pleaded with her to have fun till 3o'clock-to do the spider with me on the swing set-to not let something we couldn't control bother her but she couldn't and so i sat there next to her in silence until the bell finally rang.

i remember falling head over heals for a boy with a girlfriend; him hinting to me their soon to be end and our later to be beginning, then him running off and marrying her. at first i was sad then after some thought was given i was happy that even though i had thought and hoped to be the girl to run off with him to the alter, that in the end, the right one did.

i remember sitting outside of starbucks with era exchanging gifts just hours before her flight back to moscow-both of us unwilling to admit a goodbye was appropiate, tears filling my eyes knowing it might be years before we would see eachother again and still i wouldn't say goodbye or how sad i was that she was going because we both knew it was sad and sadder if we admitted to it. instead we spoke about how exciting it was going to be for her to live in downtown moscow and experience whatever it was god had planned for her.

i remember my sister telling me she might move to london and having to supress the possible sadness of not having my best friend, my snuggle bunny, my better half around with the happiness that she would be moving somewhere to do what she was meant to do.

i remember feeling the same way each time stephanie would pack up and move.

i remember the first time i meet jon and after the first night knowing that he was meant to be in my life in some way or the other.

in years to come i'll look back and remember how excited and unaffected i tried to be when he moved because i'll remember that i knew he would be happier up there, that he was going somewhere he wanted to be, and life went the way it was planned.

Today's Horoscope Reads:

"It's touch-and-go, on-again-off-again, or just a basic salad of mixed messages. The right relationship blossoms in a hospitable climate, but you have to wonder about some of these changes in the weather. Would it help to forget everything that went before? While historical perspective is often useful, it might be clouding the issues here and now. The person that matters most will soon become a key element of your future. And if you're trying to build a house on shifting sand, that will soon be obvious as well. Be open to realistic predictions."

Signed,

The Stars of Virgo

another wedding story

in the front yard a white tent was pitched; bouquets filled with roses, chrysanthemums, lilies, and snap dragons welcomed the fanning grandmothers and highschool era friends. in a room full of six girl's clutter, in the house of the yard in which this tent of close family and friends are collected under, stands the bride, like so many brides before her: glowing, radiant, anxious, nervous, and exigent. earlier that day as she raced into the house with her dress and shoes and make-up and this and that in her brides maids arms, dark clouds had announced their possible, uninvited arrival. hours later the matron of honor is slaving over the brides train with a mini steamer in her hands desperately trying to slay a stubborn wrinkle.

i'm standing in the door way, a spectator, a guest, a friend worried as to how this beautiful bride i'm gawking over will handle the chance of isolated thunder storms becoming more than a chance. fortunately, they don't and so it remains a beautiful and peaceful day, shortly becoming a beautiful and intoxicating night.

the wedding was like most i've attended- their are the little girls dolled up in big girl dresses tossing rose petals down the aisle to the affirmation of a hundered smiling adoring faces; their is the underlying akwardness of strangers being stuck next to eachother in tight rows of white chairs for such an intimate and important occasion; their is the minister that makes everyone wonder if he didn't have one too many before the ceremony at the open bar prior to the open bar being opened; their is the slip-up during the exchanging of vows where the groom stumbles in nervousness at what he was just declaring. in familiar ways with slight differences, like so many before, it was the same unique wedding.

the celebrating entourage is ushered to the back yard where twinkling candels and fairy lights illuminate the night with an enchanting aurora and where i happily indulge my thrist with the intended concept of an open bar.

i'm in a dazzling blue dress, jon is in a tuxedo, coldplay is resonating in my ears, the bride and groom are both looking at me to participate and so i swallow my pride and ask a boy to dance to with me for the first time in my life. i can't tell if he hates it or just hates dancing but he's being a team player and so i let my head drop on his shoulder for the twenty seconds i don't feel weird for having my head rest on his shoulder.

their is more dancing. thier is more wine. their is the cutting of the cakes. their is the table i am sitting at; everyone is off mingeling or attending to their wedding party duties, and so then their is me under the table-sleeping until the table cloth is removed. this sudden realization dawns upon me that i'm sleeping under the table and the once loud air is now quiet, and i need to throw up, and i need to do it fast.

i'm in a dazzling blue dress hugging the toliet, curious as to how long i've been sleeping, if anyone saw me, if anyone noticed i was missing for so long, who caught the bouquet and garder belt, what the car looked like after the grooms men had their way with it, if jon will drive me back tomorrow to get my car, and how this wasn't just another wedding but a wedding to remember.

go,go,go

i'm stopping to catch my breathe but passing out sounds more inticing; more needed, just a little bit more sleep, a little bit more time in the morning before i rush off to work, a little bit more time to sit here and write in my blog-to write over due emails, more time to gather smiles-new friends, more time to think about the fall-to think about the pixies and belle coming to town. more time: a life-long ambition, carried out from generation to generation, a wish that is only made when in it's lacking never in it's excess. on the drive home tonight i almost fell asleep. i was on the highway. driving. dizzy with seductive slumber, exhausted with heavy eyes, nervous as shit because i couldn't help it. but it was nice to be able to spend time with my mother after work, even though that time was limited and consisted of waffle house and me too droggy to be my happy little attentive self, still it was really nice. tomorrow i have another wedding to attend, a dress to borrow for it, a gift to wrap, boxes to be dropped off at my new place, more to be picked up from the other side of the metroplex, and ohh yes the brides wedding brunch in which i will be given a list of things to do for her. i perfer this rush. i like it. it feels productive. or i feel productive. moving: my damn infatution with motion, and rhythm...and pretty skirts that dance when you walk. but right now i'm soo tired and thristy. in addition to my regular shift i taught 14 swim lessons today. that's 14 kids clinging to me, me holding as i wade water, me encouraging, me sooo very poooped out from.

goodnight lovelies.