a post i lost in the hustle and bustle

it's a really sad thing opinions have such a negative contotation to them because i have some really strong opinions that for the most part must be, out of fear of offensive or the possible perception that sir stranger does not know me and in some cases the super-sensative that does knows me but whom does not understand me and therefore should mistake this valour of my personality as closed mindness or the belief that i think myself to always be right, tucked secretly away in-between my lips. it's like that akward 5 minuetes after a movie when your left still sitting in the loapsided swing back maroon and milk dud stained chairs pretending to read the credits out of fear that while you hated the movie; found it to be a slap in the face concerning your intellect and defination of entertainment, your movie compadre was moved to tears; was filled with warm fuzzies and, now, not pretending to be reading the credits, they are actually too muzzled with awe to leave just yet and so they sit and you sit...in silence dulled by the finale song of the soundtrack. my father is the opposite of this, he looks for contradiction like a dog seeks out the hidden bone in the newly planted garden, he peeks and pokes until an opposition to his opinion has surfaced and head in he can dive. but i recall the frustration and aggreviation this would cause me and so i try to be, a little more, sensative.

Actual Dialouge With A Stranger Here at the Library Yesterday:

Mrs. Pentecostal- (after seeing me pick up the dvd to season 4 of sex and the city) So do you like shows that glorify sex?

Me- (after a look of puzzlement) Absolutely!!!

Mrs. Pentecostal- Well that's just sad. This is a sick,sick world (then she storms off).

Me- (giggle then make my way to the counter with the dvd if not for anything but out of spite for her noisiness. i thought about this for a good 5 minuetes after our encounter and i realized just how sad and boring her life must be being so closed minded as to not be able to understand the true theme of sitc and the fact her and Mr.Pentecostal probably haven't had sex since their wedding night. poor thing.)

7 minuets and counting

i can't see far enough into the future to know as whether i should be scared or excited, but i do know, and i do believe, life is what you make it. i'll make it good. i'll make it exciting. i'll take these hurdles and i'll give em hell. i'll fight all the way. i'll think of tomorrow with tenacity in optomism. i'm thinking about portland and i'm thinking with my fist pressed against my head. i've been given more time but here at the library it's expired.

update

i just got back from the recruiters office. it was the same man that interviewed "stacy pain", as he jokingly referred to her, and i was suprised when he said he remembered me too. it was over 4yrs ago that i walked into the office with stac and was turned down because of a trip to the hospital for asthma when i was 12 years old. what can i say i guess i leave a lasting impressions on everyone i meet; unfortunately, he remembered my asthma too and so until i can provide a clearance from my doctor that i am no longer diagnosed with asthma, the service will have nothing to do with me. back to square one because i don't think i can talk my doc into denying my sometimes weazy lungs.

like a rolling stone

it's funny how two weeks ago i was beginning to believe that the world was my oyster. i was ready to stick my knife right in it and claim my pearl out of the sticky goo-i was ready for anything and hoping everything was in commute. i was finally feeling the momuntem of movement and progress; so happy to be busy, to be able to seriously plan a trip to paris with belle, to not feel bad about spending $20 at los lupes on margaritas, to feel as if things were finally looking up and it was only a matter of time until this stage of my life could be made into a memory. i forgot to knock on wood and before i could blink twice the progress slowly tumbled to the ground; the lack of momuntem left me anxious; the boredom crawled into my pores, flooding my head, and pouring itself out through the sockets of my eyes; the plans for paris crawled under scrutiny causing me to wonder if unless i found a real-non-waiting-tables-steady-income-job that perhaps it wasn't going to happen afterall; the feeling of optomism was over powered with the feeling of lonliness then toppled with pms for dramatic results, and, after a day of analyzing the causes, of drawing up strategies towards a sure victory i went home only to be greeted with the news that i must find somewhere else to live and to find it fast because, well, the kids were 15 minutes late to school and i forgot to make sure caleb wiped the breakfast off his face. i'm too confused with thinking about "ok so what do i do now" to be mad at them because really what do i do now? i haven't had time to save any money. i don't have enough shifts to think i'll have enough money for the first months rent somewhere else in ten days. i don't even know with my bad credit that i could get a place even if i wanted to. and i'm sure as hell not going back to corpus christi. should i join the coast guard? hmmmm. the navy? hmmmmm. should i just pack up and hike it out to portland? what is a girl to do???

again.

i miss her so much. it's unreal.

dear god,

god i get bored so easily. and i'm trying to be content as best as i can but it's eating me alive. their is just so much to do and i look around and see that the sky is never ending and the horizon bleeds with possabilities and i'm guilty to lusting after it all. i want to feel the speed of minuets and the motion sickness of the hustle and bustle. god i want to feel the breeze of the sea and the crisp air of the mountains.

this weather has me a.d.ding.

welcome sunshine

i think i'll go walking. a nice long walk around the neighborhood and to my coffee sancturary, perhaps, with Lightening and a book. it's absolutely gorgeous outside. i drove by the tennis courts on my way here and thought of who i could call to join me in a fierce match later. but i couldn't think of anyone expect for my sister across the big blue. unlike myself, belle, is a fine tennis player. i imagine i'm amusing to watch. i've been known to put a truck driver to shame with my speech and warp a racket from time to time; really though that was years and years ago, i'd like to believe that at 24, i could handle sucking in grace.

i think i got the axe from deep sushi and in perfect timing too. it's that time of the year for austin to sprawl in new music and great music and for me to be there for it all. that's right my long distance friends-sxsw and i'm just 2.5 hrs away. i haven't wanted to get my hopes up about it so i still have no idea who exactly is playing but i know the spree is and snow patrol is, and oh yes, taylor is playing a showcase with tv on the radio!!! thinking out loud: will the stills be there too?!? have you heard that albumn, "logic will break your heart" ? i'm sure you have it seems i lost my prophetic forsight and now i lay on the wayside always the last to know about new great bands.

i remember having parachutes memoriozed before any of my indie-rock friends had a clue who coldplay was. same with the doves and elbow and starsailor.

oh the good ol days of wasting money on import singles and import music magazines.

UNCUT is still my favorite. the magazine comes with a promo cd of all the bands they've reviewed and so your not stuck buying cds that you think you'll like because it names their refernces as the spaceman 3 and sonic boom but ends up sounding like the happy mondays. (no disrespect intended).

so cross your fingers for me that on friday morning i'll be peeling out of dallas heading south on i-35. and that my new job at the cosmic cafe will embrace my anglo-saxon ethnicity as i embrace their hindu heritage.

after a gazillion dog treats, Lightening on command will:

-sit
-lay
-stand
-do that " stay,stay,stay-now come here pretty girl" trick
-fetch and bring back a tennis ball to me

now to only teach her how to poo in the back yard instead of in the house...

has it been over a week?!?

wow. i had no idea. i come here to the library to do my on-line stuff. mostly replying to emails and friendster messages and reading my sister and your blogs, so as a result, with the time limit being restricted to a measley hour, my stories are kept in my head; lost to the day.

i can't believe it's saturday. i can't believe this week has flown by so fast and your in the dark about it all. are you in the tad bit curious?

........................

here is the usual run down:

7am wake up
7:05 wake kids up
7:07 make a pot of coffee(unless working at Starbucks later in the morning)
7:10 make kids breakfast
7:15 check to see if their getting ready
7:17 ask them what the want for lunch
7:20 make lunches
7:30 make sure their not feeding the dog their waffles and grapes
7:40 ask them if they put their lunch and homework in their back-pack
7:42 put on tenny-shoes and glasses
7:45 put Lightening outside
7:47 pour cup of java to-go
7:50 be out the door

7:50-8:15/8:20am (depending on traffic) drive kids to school

8:20 make bed
8:25 get dressed or shower(depending on how many days it's been since the last time I got squeaky fresh and so clean,clean or off course, what i did the night before)
9am en route to Starbucks or Deep Sushi
2pm killing time before my next shift(which typically involves lunch with a friend or browsing at target. which typically results in a basket full of greeting cards, candels, a black clothing article for work, and some lotion or chapstick of the sort)
5:30-10:30pm work
10:30 drive back to HEB
*if not working a double*
3pm pick kids up from school
3:15 help them with their homework
make snack
change out of work clothes
play with dog
4:30 Shan gets home
4:29 leave house and go anywhere else that is peaceful and quiet. alcohol preferred.


however this week had a few curve balls i wasn't expectating: my third or second cousin came into town and i was his tour guide, i worked on days i thought i had off, i decorated a garden mirage with chalk on the patio of my starbucks , i thought my world was almost dumped upside down, and then i was bitch slapped with the consequences of not being asian.

phil, my 2 or 3 or 4th cousin, is a recently graduated law student from vanderbilt and is about to attend the air forces jag program. this, as one might expect, means phil is kinda a big dork. the first and most important priority on his itentary was to see the dealy plaza and visit the sixth floor muesum in downtown dallas. and suprisingly i think i enjoyed it more than my tool cuz and after the days events it appeared to be that i am the bigger nerd out of the both of us. for me-time stood still while the pan handeling conspiracy theorist preached her 20 minuete lecture, and it was i, who tipped and had my hand spatted away from buying the "non-sense propaganda". it was also i, who wanted to stay as long as it took to read each and every refernece and tid bit of information plaque in the muesum. and yes it was i who couldn't stop myself from ranting and raving about the lotr triology when he admitted to just seeing it for the first time a few weeks ago!!! he even had the audacity to inquire if i dressed up like an elf or a hobbit for the premier. and yet inside my head i replied, "shah...i wish". it's not like i'm a nerd, neccesarily, it's just i find history immensly fascinating and with my pathetic private school education, i unfortunately attained a brief and vague recourse on US history, amongst a vast amount of other things; which meant the augementation of jfk's legacy and tragic death had me entranced and emoutionally vibrant in a feeling of great loss and mystic. then their are movies such as: lotr, the matrix, and star wars that sparkle and dance within my imagination, unlike other tales and stories evolved from sci-fi and fantasy can, and this my dear friends evokes an unpresidented enthusiasm and loyalty not to be confused or seen as tell-tell signs of dorkiness but jolly interest.

i love led zepplin. i watch seinfeld. animals and children love me, chics want to be me and boys adore me.

;)

but that was just one day out of the past seven i've missed posting about, the others, as i've mentioned, also had curve balls of thier own. the waking up and thinking that the whole day is mine. mine to go catch a matinee. mine to neglect getting out of my pjs all day long if i so desired. mine to go running. mine to got to a yoga class. mine to catch up on all the books i'm in the middle of. mine, mine, mine. wishful thinking because not one day this week did i have not to work at least at one of my two jobs but sunday is tomorrow and tomorrow, i'm going to brunch and indulging myself in champagne and orange juice with hopefully the m.i.a gordon lightfoot, and then later, accompaning a friend who has been under-house-arrest with a lingering head cold to go see a movie with me because, tomorrow i have off and jon is still one of my favorite friends to play with.

last night while at work someone stole $60 of mine from the waitstaff station. had it been at the Mer Room or the Allgood, i'm almost postitive, well for starters i can't imagine anyone i've worked with at both of those places to be sooo evil as to steal, but that either of my bosses would have comped the ticket to compensate for my loss but this place isn't like most places i've worked at, and so, i waited on other tables to pay for some strangers meal. had i been one minuet late i also would have had to pay my boss five dollars and had i chipped a glass that would have been another dollar and had i accidentally rang up the wrong sashimi or rolls, well, i would have to pay for those as well.

lesson learned: you can't trust people and just because your white doesn't mean racism won't find you.

i hate this lesson. i like to believe in the goodness of mankind not our inherit sinful nature that grown adults have yet to suffocate with moral goodness or accpetable societal conduct. and as for racism, well, it's just a shame man has yet to conquer the act of treating one other as equals; that color and ethnicity must dictate how many tables you are given and when the sushi chef will get your orders made.

i'll be quitting this job as soon as i have another lined up. the bullshit is just too much for this gal.

starbucks on the other hand is good stuff. i go in, i make mochas and lattes, i smile and laugh, i wipe off table tops, i re-stock straws and carffes of half n' half and skim milk and whole milk, i open a till, i close my till, i say goodbye and i leave. no bullshit. no your chinese and i'm not. no "me-me-me" attitude. just a job that is tolerable and a paycheck at the end of every two weeks to look forward to. plus health, dental, and eye insurance. but unfortunately it's just a chumpass job that pays jack shit while waitressing, still a chumpass job too, is where i can walk out at the end of even a shitty night and regardless have my pockets made heavy. so until the stepping stones lead me to the door steps of some cool magazine or music festival i need both chumpass jobs no matter what.

time has expired.

but i'll be back.

i didn't think i'd have time to do this until, like, forever and ever and ever because i'm working alot, like, two shifts a day, alot. which feels good until my feet start pounding and then it doesn't feel so good. it feels like my feet are hurting because, well, they are...then, but not now. right now i am at the good records waiting for the man of the happy hour to get back from the dog park and go out for ritas with me before the happines leaves the hour and i must endure another two seconds of whatever sucky ass band is playing an in-store. i want to go see a movie tonight. not the passion of christ but starcksy and hutch. i love owen wilson and i love ben stiller and i love using the word love when really i mean, "i like them as actors much more than other actors that i kinda like".

finding faith in ice-cream

living with a ten and eight year old i've learned many a things, like- naps are impossible to take while their home no matter how tired i am from the night before mayhem and responsability neglectfulness; that shit smells really bad when it has had time to sit and fester in the potty all day; that there is no such thing as privacy when your door doesn't lock; that yelling at them only makes me feel like a mean aunt not a source of discipline to structure their lifes by and that we all want life to be fair but it never was and it never will be.

yesterday some kid stabbed caleb with a pencil right in the hand. for no good reason. and not only that but the dweeb that went second grade psyco on him got off the hook scotch ass free. i try to teach them that to every action there is an equal re-action; that what goes up must come down; that life is composed of choices and those equal consequences be they good or bad, and so when injustice occurs, they come to me baffled, upset, and frustrated because the fact that god holds us all accountable isn't enough vindication for them. they like the security of science not spirituality.

i heard this sermon on the radio the other day about faith. about how it is not the anti-thesis of logic but the foundation. about how it is not blind but indeed the outcome of revelation. about how it is not achieved through leaping but through exceeding the limitations of logic through trusting in hope, hope in context to scripture, being concrete not a maybe. i know his thoughts and his ways are not ours-that through our human mind we can never fully comprehend the things of god, and that is the beauty in believing; that we do but i do not deny it is hard for me to look at the nostroties of life and all the injustices and have a hard time embracing the postive aspects of faith.

my cat is sick. it has diabetes. it has to get insulin shots and go to the vet all the time now and all that equals money, which thankfully, my parents are willing to shell out for. but really it's not fair that clover being born without a spirit must suffer the same punishment man, through his disobdience to the commandment of god to not eat the friggin apple, brought upon the earth.

and that's just about a cat. i have friends who have lost young siblings. i've seen children with aids. i've read "around the world" section in the paper. i've watched the 5 o'clock news. i've noticed the lady in the car next to me rub her head while crying.

faith. faith that god is just and good. i'm trying here. and i won't stop but ya know sometimes holding this belief is difficult and all it takes to push me here is an orange cat with high blood pressure and my nephew yelling blasphemy at newton's laws.

i told caleb what my parents told me when hit with the ball of injustice: life isn't fair and it doesn't all the time make sense but a banana split sundae helps make it better.

so we stopped at braums and after a few bites caleb's chocolate and caramel glowing face sang, god is just and good.