i will never take a gingerbread man cookie for granted again. after the kitchen was ripped apart from head to toe gathering the ingredients and bowls and mixers, with flour covering the counter tops, conrad retrieving various kitchen utensils from the drawer i have foolishly placed him on a chair in front of so that he can help roll the dough and cut it into mini edible men with me, with sticky gooey hands from having had grabbed the whisk dripping with batter that is now on everything in his reach, i have only a few gingerbread men with all their extremities intact to show for it...and a happy little toddler with molasses on has shirt.

one of the perks of having a baby:

back-up corks for when you f'up opening a bottle of wine.

he's practising for his role as a bird/old man with no teeth taking a dump in the backyard.

check out the yellow jacket that got decapitated! that sincerely made my morning. and in addition to this wasp trap, i've also found a great way of killing them: it's an all-natural/poison free aerosol that i spray on them when their hoovering over the ground. by itself it won't kill them, so once their knocked on their ass i then proceed to beat the living pollen out of them with the can. jon thinks it barbaric, or at least that's what his face is saying to me.

our grapes! their are four different bunches of these grapes and if they don't ripen soon i will have to eat them as is. the anticipation is killing me.

gold medal to conrad for being able to perch in this pool. you just have no idea how Cold that water is. it comes from the applegate reservoir, though i swear they must have the pipeline going through Antarctica before it makes it to us. plus side: no need for ice cubes.

the look back. all mothers know what this means: trouble on the horizon.

including half the shut eye i need to function as a normal human being, this is what else i missed last night while at work:

in love, and now engaged; my little sister will soon be michelle martin, and soon enough baby martins- with great hair cuts and a love for sushi and soy lattes-will be chasing david bowie (the cat) around the studio apartment.

i'm elated for them both. sooooooo elated.

on monday morning conrad slept in till 9am, with of course a 6am feeding and diaper change; then, today, till almost 8:30am. can i just take a second to thank my lucky stars, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! it is has been a year of 6am wake-ups, and boy am i ready for that extra hour of sleep and first hour to myself. lord knows i need a good stiff drink in the morning without interuption to get me going.

this afternoon conrad and i have oodles and oodles of errands to run. starting with returning a bag of toys to shalala -we do a toy swap every few weeks. it's a fantastic way to keep those fickle attention spans of the kiddos interested in toys without buying everything fisher price and manhattan toys has ever made. then to lowes to buy 300 lbs of sand for a sand box, to target for zion's birthday present and diaper powder, and to gap for a birthday party outfit for conrad; and should we have time before the next nap, to my work to tip out the busser and bartender from a few sundays ago when our computers went haywire. oh and yes, to the petting zoo so conrad won't resent me in his later years for boring him to tears with all the banality. probably like i'm doing to those reading this.....

pictures from our trip to the omsi:

life of the party

if conrad had any idea his father and i could produce a baby for him to play with he'd probably crawl all the way to the store on the burning concrete for some marvin gay, oysters, red wine, and dark chocolate for us.

at the pool today, i witnessed my little eleven month old child scream with glee and laugh as he chased around the other kids in the kiddie pool. they were playing Shark and somehow conrad became It, with me as his fins.

here are some pictures i took on our way to the pool, and as we're drying off.

i swear i must have the most precious child in the history of children. just a moment ago i was giving conrad a bottle(after eleven wonderful months of breastfeeding, my boobs are unfortunately fading) before putting him down for his nap-he laid in my arms, gazing up at me while reaching his free hand towards my face-for the past few weeks he has been incessant with pointing to things to hear what they are-and so, as he pointed his index finger to my facial features i, with a soft voice, began to rattle of their names: nose, eyes, mouth, chin, ears. then, i pointed to his nose and whispered nose, then to eyes, his mouth, his chin buried under the bottle, and then to his ears, and at the sensation of my finger in his ear, the worlds most adorable giggle came bellowing out. i repeated this several times, and several times he did that same exact giggle, drawing in closer as if to cling on to me for safety from my tickling finger.

conrad and i were planning on going to the spray park out in jacksonville when in walked his father, hours before we expected to see him. i already had the pool tote/largest- most awesomest bag you have ever seen, because for some reason, going to the pool now involves more than a walkman, banana boat sun grease, and a beach towel, now it involves: two towels, spf 1000 sunblock, bag of snacks my mother would be proud of me for packing (hummus, cherries, cucumbers, whole wheat crackers), swim diapers, extra change of clothes for the kiddo, two hats, sunglasses, sippy cup, arsenal of toys, swim ring, and extra patience for when i go to put him in his swim diaper and he fights me at every cost to be freed from my "better interest" shenanigans.

i had gotten everything together during conrad's nap and was mentally set on getting out of the house to enjoy the nice summer day; and better yet, with jon being home, the three of us could go together, and instead of the spray park, i decided we should go to the public pool down the street. now, a few days prior conrad and i went. it was opening day and everybody and their mothers uncle, aunt, cousins, grampops were there; and not only that, but the medford swimming pool i found out was Ghetto, more ghetto than north grand prairie. we walk in and pay and are ushered through a womens locker room no decent women would ever claim belongs to our gender. the walls were tattered, the floors unmatted, the bathroom a toilet behind a curtain, and a rusty old bench against the wall. out at the pool, there was no benches or pool furniture, just the concrete and a tad of shade from the barbed wire fence surrounding it. i had no choice but to drop our bag and lay out our towel right there on the hot concrete and change conrad into his swim diaper and shorts. like the optimist i am, i made the best of the situation-i smiled as i stepped down into the urine drenched pool and conrad knew none the better: he splashed and kicked with his usual gaity. but now that jon was home, i thought we would try it again. perhaps it wouldn't be so crowded and perhaps, being opening day at our last visit, they weren't ready-things might be nicer. all such notions went flying out the window and back into the crapper once we got there. it was actually more crowded than opening day. none the less, jon and conrad and i jumped in and found a pocket of open water not occupied. then i went of the diving board and after my third dive i nailed a beautiful pikes peak. there is nothing like hitting the water like a knife and shooting down twelve feet effortlessly.

it only took a hour for conrad to lose interest, so we packed up and loaded him back into his car seat with his sippy cup in hand. looking at him back there i began to see the little boy and less of the baby. he is changing so much, and not only developmentally but a shift in the makeup of his stature.

today we went out to the ashland pool and man was it night and day. the drive is twenty minutes but it's wonderful out there: a grassy knoll around the pool with huge oak trees and lounge chairs and a baby pool and a fourth of the crowd. we were there for over a hour and by the time we made it home conrad was asleep. i opened the back door and just stood there staring at him...he was still my baby.

there are a few pregnancy related habits i have, eleven months later, yet to shake. one of which is farting...anywhere, without hesitation or inhibition; another is my belief that craving, say bagels, must be met, as highest priority, trumping everything else; and whereas i love that i can let one ripe and then blame it on conrad or make "buy cupcakes" number one on my to do list, crying in the animated movie, Robots, when i had only been watching it for five minutes, is really just too much.

i know, i know, "isn't he a little young for the park" you say. and sure, true he doesn't quite understand a slide is meant to be slid down, or that monkey bars aren't a snare for mommy to bang her head into, or for that matter, how to walk over to the swing set, but, in our defense, damn do we ever have a blast when were there.


this little girl Loved conrad and for awhile conrad was into her, that was until he discovred the playground floor was composed of wood chips that he could grap in handfuls. later this same little girl gave me daisies out of her undies, and was i to do except take them and put them in my hair.



no, those are not my green toe nails, as much as i'd like to lie and say i've moved on past clear nail polish, i haven't. nor have i yet to wear eyeliner or lipstick darker than nude. it is conrad's aunt jessica's snazzy toes and conrad wearing his sunglasses. this picture was insanely hard to take, as conrad was set on a. taking off his sunglsses and b. chasing me.




this is one of conrad's favorite games, he calls it "pull all the books out and then wait for mommy to put them back and pull them all out again". it's endless fun, literally.

us, 05/2007
squaw lakes (or indian bitch lakes as i like to refer to it)

something.

we packed ourselves in, the six of us, hoping and itching to find what we had set out for; looking out of the car window, i watched the clouds pull back to the empty landscape, the empty landscape open to promise and daydreams meet with a soundtrack of idle conversation and hissing wind. it was the dead of winter, a southern winter, and i had forgot to pack a hat and scarf. flow, a nickname launie had earned earlier that week after taking a job at a greasy spoon, none of us, not even dave, the poorest of us, was willing to take, but flow had fallen in love with a burger flipping line cook, and despite the groups incessant advice, had applied and been hired for the red eye waitressing shift.

like throw up in your mouth

"god missie, your so cute it's nauseating." -girl at work

followed by a later conversation in which my desire to put puppies in my mouth, i was told, is largely due to that nauseating cuteness i exude.

glad to know i've still got it.

;)

pate please

from what i've gathered via baby books and baby websites, once your little one begins to eat solids, you should encourage and offer different types of food; and so naturally, jon and i have been doing just that, and to our amusement conrad will eat just about anything not spinach. which makes me wonder if i should be offering escargot and pate in between his exotic cheese and wine flight...

so far the list of preferred foods reads:

avocados
pears
cherrios
peaches, bananas, and rice combo
soy hot dogs
nature's best teething biscuits
baby yogurt
spaghetti...bring on the garlic!
pasta salad (artichoke hearts and all)
cheeses: cheddar, mozzarella, feta, and gorgonzola.
my smoothies (including one with a good dose of carrot juice in it).
risotto cakes on a bed of marinara, basil, and cheese

the concept of permanence

i was in high school when my childhood dog passed away. her name was peggy sue, she was a full blood boxer, with the pointed ears and a chopped tail, who, as a child, i would paint her nails barbie pink and, when sad, wrap my arms around her and cry into her neck. i remember the day my parents took us to the breeders home, michelle and i sat there on the ground in the midst of puppies, laughing with unsurpasable joy as the they bombarded us with licks and tiny chews; peggy was so calm compared to the others, she was content to sit in my lap, and i was sure she was the one.

when lou came into my life he was already a Dog, passed his puppies days but his puppy behavior. jon and i were dating, and i had gone over to the "ponde rosa" to pick him up before we went out. his other roommates/band mates were there with the usual entourage, drinking bad beer, smoking good pot on the couch while watching Oprah. being a new person to their scene everyone felt it mandatory to show me just how wild and crazy the house dog was; then jon pointed out the five broken windows...broken that week from lou trying to get to the mailman, and, after being jumped on and knocked to the ground where the word "kisses" was chimed by everyone, i was left with a sloppy face and a love for such a wild dog.

little did it occur to me that a few years later that same wild dog i witnessed terrorize a living room would be a roommate of mine. our differences ( and by differences i mean, me thinking trash was trash and therefore meant to stay in the trash can while lou believing trash was food and therefore needed to be saved from the trash can, or, me insisting my panties weren't a chew toy and lou insisting otherwise) were vast in terms of agreeable living conditions, and after conrad was born, they were really,really vast; but lou was my dog, my great big, 115 lb, full of personality, singing rottweiler Dawg. seeing him the past week with all his verve gone, his back legs so swollen he could hardly pull himself up, his appetite non-existent (not even a steak could persuade him!), and his big brown eyes heavy with discomfort, practically broke my heart right in half.

last night i thought for sure his time had come. i sat in the kitchen with him, gently running my fingers down his shiny black coat, letting the tile floor catch the river of tears that poured down my face, telling him all about heaven and how lovely it would be, how there was a mansion there for jon and i and how he needed to guard it for us till we could be there with him, and how, Peggy would be there too, and, believe or not, but a select few cats get into heaven too, so as to not maul to death precious or clover, whenever he arrives.

then around 5:30am this morning i woke up to a yelp and realized lou was trying to stand up-he was still with us and still in great pain. jon and i had discussed helping him along his way if lou still showed no signs of improvement by this morning, and there it was: no signs of improvement- the cancer had taken hold of his body and lou was slowly and painfully dying.

so this morning, jon did what no loving master ever thinks or wants of having to do; him and his brother helped lift him onto his legs and into his kennel, then off to the vet to aid him in meeting his other master.

a few months back i read about how conrad was learning the concept of permanence, and that was why games like peek-a-boo are just so much for him. then a few hours later, i was doing the dishes, the back door was open, and i looked over without thinking, expecting to see lou at the screen door staring in at me like he always did.

there is a buzz around the house lately, of constant chores being done, and ideas being hatched, and conrad crawling and climbing into and onto everything, and of dealing with an impending great loss.

last week, jon and i both noticed something awry with lou dog; foremost, he wasn't him old self-no chasing cars as the drove down the alley, no howling with the downtown sirens, no crashing into the back door when we would call for him to come in-just this lethargic dog we had never seen before with a swollen neck.

after calling the vet and describing the symptoms, they suggested we give him two benedryls, as it sounded like he might have gotten bite my a black widow. which seemed like a perfectly normal scenario, afterall, lou often will take his ball into the garage/shed and get it stuck in the darkness of all those boxes and miscellany items, where black widows like to live.

but after a week the only changes we noticed we're slight, marginal at best; his condition was still worrisome, and so, on monday evening jon and his brother brought lou to get looked at.

a hour or so after they left jon called me to tell me lou had lymphoma and would only be with us for, maybe, three months.



since that call we've been waiting on lou hand and foot...this is harder to write about than i imagined and i'm having great difficulty in going any further, as further...i just can't. i'm asll tears. i'm wanting to believe in God for a canine miracle: for lou and for my husband. the good news is that the doggy doc gave him some presidone and so he is in much better shape.

this weekend we'll be taking him up to squall lakes with us, and i'll be sure to take lots of pictures of it.

Conrad, 10 months 1 week.
weight 21 lbs
height 30 inches
perfect, angelic, silly, fast, uber inquistive


conrad sleeping...

as you can see his crib has become home to a plithre of stuffed animals, aka wrestling foes/snuggle buddies.

conrad playing...and mesmerized, as usual, by the dangling camera strap.

t'shirt reads, "My Heart Belongs To Daddy". it's a lie, we both know it belongs to Me...Mommy.

conrad discovering...

...learning about how his index finger, when applied to the spout from whence the water came out, could control the water shooting out (he also discovered that day that he could push down the side and all the water would pour out onto the yard and from there, mud.)

conrad rock climbing...

no exaggeration. that little man really rock climbed, i simply kept my hands under his tushie in case he should loose footing.