today is the Realization of Conrad's Conception, and also my mothers birthday. yes, a year ago i went into the planned parenthood office to take a pregnancy test, not because i thought i was prego but because jon did; i sat in the waiting room playing tetris on my cell phone waiting for the nurse to come back in and tell me i wasn't pregnant followed by questions and suggestions about birth control methods. to which i would inform her i wasn't currently on anything but i did have two months supply of orthoglysomething and i would be taking them after my next period and i would have taken them this past month but i got all confused on when i was suppose to start: it should be the first sunday after, but what if my period ended on a sunday? instead she came back in her pink scrubs and set down a blue piece of paper no bigger than a business card on the desk next to me. she then proceded to inform me that "the test results came back positive". i was pregnant. my mind went to a total daze yet i did everything to reflect complete coolness; i wanted to convey joy and excitement but i was shocked and not married and had just moved across the country and had just started a job and was without health insurance and my god my parents had already gone through this once and i wanted to honor them and not make them think they raised me to know better because they had they were wonderful and set nothing but godly examples for me to follow and on and on and on my thoughts went at a dizzying speed. i took the paper and looked at it myself then looked back up with a smile and said "thank you". hoping to rush out as fast as possible because i could feel the tears of fear rushing to my eyes. but the lady in pink wanted to inform me of all my options. to which i wanted to puke. i wanted to punch her right in the mouth for even uttering the word "termination" in reference to the pea in my pod. i told her No Thank you before she could even finish and so she tried again and again i told her NO THANK YOU. i might have had the look of a dear in the headlights but i was more than happy to take responsability for my actions.
it was in my car i cried. it was the saddest cry ever. not because i was pregnant and because of all those said fears but because i was crying and not celebrating as i knew i should be. after a few minuetes i pulled out and began driving, to where i didn't know i was just driving to move to move to think. i called jon and as calmly as possible told him i had been to PP for the pregnancy test, and he was right: i was. we played hot potatoe with the freak out. i found myself in a parking lot in front of a ups store coming to terms with it all going be OK.
a year ago. one year ago. today.
back in that waiting room i had no idea what today would be like, i merely knew i would there and it would be totally different from everything i knew. and it is; it is amazing and incredible, and rewarding, and fulfilling, and like my husband said the other night, "i don't know why i didn't have a kid years ago". it's like that, what everyone says it will be: that you just can't imagine what life was about before.
when conrad looks at me my heart is rushed a new beat; i thank the heavens above.