the moving files

the countdown is now in it's days stride. the excitement of the adventure at hand is all consuming, yet every now and then, without much notice or warning, i have a moment where the reality of what we're leaving behind strikes me and in that said moment i'm aware. conrad will tell you if prompted, straight up, "i'm not feeling all that great about it". of course, foremost, he is a child and he loves his playmates and the world as he knows it, but he, unlike most children his age or adults my age, has a real deal best friend and the thought of moving further than a few blocks away from this friend is a lot for him to process without displeasure. that, by far, is the most difficult part of this relocation to LA. i know we'll find a new church, find new ways to enjoy our weekends, find a cool neighborhood-a great home, and, surely sure, make new friends. i know this because i did it when i moved here to oregon. and while my experience here in oregon has been completely different on almost every imaginable level, i've adapted. jarringly, but assuredly.

any other way

i know the me who i think i am is not exactly accurate. i choose not to give too much validation to that perception-i choose instead to put my identity into who and how God sees me, and it's not some vague, broad brush of an assessment. it's specific. sometimes i forget, but He is also good to remind me, to restore me.

when i returned to church i wasn't just going to go, or to meet people, or to act out some christian expectation, no, i was retreating back to a heart that desired Him with everything, above everything. and as such i couldn't just sit there in worship all composed-i'm pretty sure for the first two years i lost it emotionally every time i opened my mouth to sing. we were together again, and He was reminding me: i was a worshipper. it's a very humbling thing to have the Creator gently admonish you of His design for you, to be brought back to a place you can't believe you ever walked away from.

i'm glad i have this identity to cling to and not my own because mine isn't kind to me, but in Him i am whole, i am purposed, i am beautiful, and He desires me.

i stayed up way too late last night talking with some friends, and i saw the gargantuan mess of pain that occurs when the descry of who we are is attained without His point of view. i wanted to shake the living daylights out of this person, i wanted to slap her across her face, but most of all i wanted to put some spectacles on her that would show her how He beholds her. but i realize to understand how God sees us it helps to know the nature of God; it helps to know that He doesn't grade our crapiness and gaffes on a scale from 1-10, or 1-infinite, that the redemption of the cross covers every imaginable sin. what an incredibly freeing thing it is! to walk in forgiveness because you know Christ really has covered your sins, that you are truly redeemed... i'm pretty sure nothing in this world can come close to compare.

i don't really care to give advice. it often comes across as presumptuous or haughty, but here, in this instance, i feel it must be put out there. we all need to remind ourselves, or if necessary, to redo the way we go about it. hence, define yourself not by what you are or by what you are not, by what you have done or by what you have not, by what you own or what you own not, but define yourself by Him and as such walk with your head held high. you are beautiful, and in Him redemption and design is found.