because this makes me smile.

i know it's quitting time when my own sister isn't checking my blog. but then again, if i were to close up shop i would miss out on all the random and fascinating google queries that lead people to here. like "green stockings prositute",or, my ultimate favorite, "irralevent".

my, that google has me pinned.

i just put the lid to the peanut butter jar on my glass of oj.

it took me five minutes to figure it out.

today is the Realization of Conrad's Conception, and also my mothers birthday. yes, a year ago i went into the planned parenthood office to take a pregnancy test, not because i thought i was prego but because jon did; i sat in the waiting room playing tetris on my cell phone waiting for the nurse to come back in and tell me i wasn't pregnant followed by questions and suggestions about birth control methods. to which i would inform her i wasn't currently on anything but i did have two months supply of orthoglysomething and i would be taking them after my next period and i would have taken them this past month but i got all confused on when i was suppose to start: it should be the first sunday after, but what if my period ended on a sunday? instead she came back in her pink scrubs and set down a blue piece of paper no bigger than a business card on the desk next to me. she then proceded to inform me that "the test results came back positive". i was pregnant. my mind went to a total daze yet i did everything to reflect complete coolness; i wanted to convey joy and excitement but i was shocked and not married and had just moved across the country and had just started a job and was without health insurance and my god my parents had already gone through this once and i wanted to honor them and not make them think they raised me to know better because they had they were wonderful and set nothing but godly examples for me to follow and on and on and on my thoughts went at a dizzying speed. i took the paper and looked at it myself then looked back up with a smile and said "thank you". hoping to rush out as fast as possible because i could feel the tears of fear rushing to my eyes. but the lady in pink wanted to inform me of all my options. to which i wanted to puke. i wanted to punch her right in the mouth for even uttering the word "termination" in reference to the pea in my pod. i told her No Thank you before she could even finish and so she tried again and again i told her NO THANK YOU. i might have had the look of a dear in the headlights but i was more than happy to take responsability for my actions.

it was in my car i cried. it was the saddest cry ever. not because i was pregnant and because of all those said fears but because i was crying and not celebrating as i knew i should be. after a few minuetes i pulled out and began driving, to where i didn't know i was just driving to move to move to think. i called jon and as calmly as possible told him i had been to PP for the pregnancy test, and he was right: i was. we played hot potatoe with the freak out. i found myself in a parking lot in front of a ups store coming to terms with it all going be OK.

a year ago. one year ago. today.



back in that waiting room i had no idea what today would be like, i merely knew i would there and it would be totally different from everything i knew. and it is; it is amazing and incredible, and rewarding, and fulfilling, and like my husband said the other night, "i don't know why i didn't have a kid years ago". it's like that, what everyone says it will be: that you just can't imagine what life was about before.

when conrad looks at me my heart is rushed a new beat; i thank the heavens above.

the hardest thing i ever had to do was to say goodbye to michelle in dallas. i was thinking about it today: revisiting that first hour in the car, her in my rear view mirror as i drove down Main St. i cried till the dallas skyline was a blur then i turned up some nostaglic tunes and zoned out.

no relevance, just thinking about it.

i'm listening to conrad breathe through the monitor. he's napping good. sometimes he snores, and at night between him and jon it's a wonder i get any sleep at all. i'm constantly tapping on jon's shoulder informing him YES he is snoring...again. at first it was a kick in the shin but he suggested i not beat the shit out of him and instead simply let him know( which is what i thought i was doing by kicking him in the first place. but anyways).

his brother is getting married in january and conrad is going to be the ring bearer. i wonder if i can dress him up in a costume instead of a suit. it's a silver wedding so i'm thinking he could be a bell or a baby seal. maybe just a diaper and top hat. yah.

you should see the kiddo, he's practically sitting himself up all by himself and grabbing his feet and putting anything and everything his tiny little hands can grab into his mouth and laughing when his daddy and i throw him dangerously into the air.



motherhood is better than i could have ever hoped or dreamed it would be. in fact, it's the best thing that's ever happened to me. i feel like i've finally realized what is i'm here to do. all the past disappointments and regrets and windy roads no longer are dredged with ill feelings but now with thankfulness that this is where they lead me to. sounds worse than what i'm wanting to transpire. err. i mean, i always seemed to make the wrong decisions and that always lead me to regret and to feel disappointed and painfully longing for that yellow brick road that would magically land me in the right place at the right time but it never happened like that; everytime i was given a chance to project myself to a place i aspired to be i fcked it up, i dropped the ball, i pulled a me.

i think he's woken up. i hear tiny coo's. such a perfect little baby he just waits oh so patiently.

typically after i've had breakfast, done the dishes, swept the kitchen floor, and expressed some breast milk-from the monitor comes a soft little coo: conrad is awake. i drop everything dead in its tracks and hustle back to the bedroom because my new favorite thing is about to happen. i peak over the bassinett to see the little guy staring up at his mobile in awe and wonder and then i say "Hello Conrad" to which his eyes grow big while moving to the sound of my voice and there when his eyes reach mine, they almost jump right out of there sockets and a huge smile takes over his face. it's absolutely priceless!



it's been an awesome past 10 weeks here in the eggert home. our lifes are so vastly different from before conrad: the living room has become an obstacle course of toys and swings and bouncers and playmats, our evenings are spent reading picture books and making silly faces, and conversation usually revolves around what the other one missed while not looking or working or grocery shopping.

before just a couple, but now, so much more, a family.

and that little addition that made the family, little C, he's more adorable than ever. always surprising us with his personality and developments and the ability to suck on me till he throws up. he's also very particular, and that i didn't see coming. one of his points of desire is to be held facing out. which would be a whole lot easier if i had a durable baby carrier but we don't so my poor, poor arms and back are getting the toning of a lifetime.

next weekend we'll be going back up to portland for conrad to meet his aunt michelle. i'm really excited about my sister not only coming to see her nephew, to spend time with me, but to see and fall in love with the city of portland. it's been something i've been wishing for since we moved here.

my birthday was last week. i'm 27 now. and whereas at 26 i still felt young and fresh- now that i've turned a year older- i all of a sudden feel old and dull: that my early twenties have left me for good, and all that lies ahead is the impending doom of aging. and yet that melodramatic nature right there keeps a little of my youth alive. ;)

we didn't do much. cross that: we did nothing. the weekend before jon made me bread pudding and that was that. it seemed fitting although. like taking the effort and time to celebrate me would be all wrong. i don't know why, it just did and does. (although i did celebrate the hell out of the manolo blahniks michelle sent me.)



i was blown away to see how many still remember despite the distance and time that has come between; it never ceases to amaze me at the collection of good souls i somehow managed to collect and keep as friends through all these years.

be here with me

the air has chilled. the grass in the front yard has turned back to green. the roses outside the window are in bloom. it's perfectly cloudy. magnetic fields is playing. the wind chime on the front porch is chirping. the baby is sleeping in his bouncer.

the dishes wait for me. as do the blankets on the bed, the weeds in the flower bed, the dust on the entertainment center, the bills, and the sirloin in the fridge.

we'll be having fagitas tonight.

and i'll have flowers from our yard in a vase on the kitchen table; the pink ones that just recently bloomed. i've been itching to get my hands on them.

i have plans and ideas and an overwhelming desire to have my sister here to carry them out with me.

like a herb garden. and a membership at the local rock climbing gym.

so how bout that ranch in northern california, twenty minutes to be here with me sounds good enough.

my sunshine, my only sunshine

one year ago you wouldn't have been able to pull me away from a night out with stephanie and free boozes, yet this past thursday i was wanting nothing more than to pull jeremy and myself away and down the road back to salem, back to little C. i realize just how much i've changed when what was comes face to face with what is: the social butterfly to the mother. an old aquaintance who has one on the way himself wondered if everything really does begin to seem sooo unimportant when the baby arrives and "more than that", i told him, "you wonder what priorities were before your child was born".

that same night conrad turned 7 weeks. we celebrated it with lunch on a patio in the hawthorne district, diaper changes in a tour bus, a bottle under a nice shaded tree, lots of new faces, being held by miss stephanie, and a million kisses from his mommy.

here are some pictures from our weekend. hope you enjoy!

one year ago today...i was at the Four Seasons getting a massage. i remember laying there on that soft bed of linens in that lightly dimmed room with the smell of aromatic candles and oils sifting through the air while the masseuse applied the perfect amount of pressure to my back, thinking how bizzare life was, because in that same moment that life was treating me more than Fair i was well aware life was being nothing but Unfair to the residences of New Orleans.

and still to this day when i experience a moment where i know i'm blessed beyond belief my mind soon drifts to how in that same moment someone might have found out there husband was cheating on them or perhaps life became too much for someone to want to live anymore and i could go on and on and on of all the horrible curve balls life Does throw and i'm immediately humbled and overcome with a sense of obligation to be a better person, to, even though i know it has nothing to do with deserving it or not deserving it, to somehow in someway merit the goodwill come my way.

to, if nothing else, thank the good Lord above and pray for those who need a day at the Four Seasons Spa.

how we roll at 8am.

oh conrad, everyday i wake up and think i couldn't possibly love you anymore than i do but then i look at you, and your cuter than i remembered and in that moment of realizing your mine and i'm yours my heart takes a plunge, going deeper to somewhere i've never chartered before.

i am sooooooo floored that i get to be your Mommy.

i can't believe you turn 5 weeks tonight. it seems like yesterday we brought you home, yesterday when we were bewildered on just exactly how to put you in your car seat, yesterday when you felt so fragile in my arms, yesterday when you couldn't quite lift your head, yesterday when the only smiles you gave were for gas.

a few days ago you gave me your first "social" smile. we were in the kitchen, i was holding you talking about what i should eat for breakfast , you were staring so intently into my eyes and then It happened: that beautiful smile came over your face, your eyes light up, and you grinned with even more excitement as i returned the gesture. i thought i had died and gone to heaven.

your uncle jeremy was back in town this past weekend. your really into his guitar and absolutely get giddy when he serenades you. on saturday morning i left you with him and your daddy so i could do the laundry and do some garage sale-ing. while i was out the two of them put on a show for you and i was told about you couldn't stop smiling. to which, i wasn't surprised. your quite the musical baby. music is one of our best weapons to combat your fussiness. you take naps to the sounds of sigur ros and kings of convience, are pacified when i sing you lullabys, and mystified into total attentiveness when your daddy plays you the bass. i have no dount in my mind that one day, in some form or fashion, you will be a little musician yourself.

on sunday it seemed you were bored so i went to Target and bought you a Baby Einstien play mat. now i wish i had bought a video camera to go with it to capture how vigorously you kick your legs and flare your arms at the excitement it offers you. and oh my dear god, when you actually grabbed one of the swinging toys dangeling down...well that seemed to be the ultimate rush for you.

you've also begun demonstrating your opinions in an individualistic vociferously manner. ecspecially when it comes to eating, more or less when being taken away from the boobie before you decide that your done. the noises that come from your sweet little self are too good to be true. the first time it happened i had to look around the room for another source of such...err, such...uniqueness. and somethings just bother you. like the other day when i was washing the dishes and you were in your bouncer right behind me, i was talking to you and you were smiling and then all of a sudden a soapy plate slipped through my fingers and at the end of it's descent into the sink it made a loud CLANG noise to which you lost your shit over. it took nearly 30 minutes to quell your spirit back into serenity; you were so distraught and i felt like a complete ass for soaping that plate too much.

i'm trying my hardest at being the perfect mommy for you. i really, really am. i'm taking notes on what you like and what you don't like, how you want to loved and interacted with, and what all i can give you for now and the future.

yesterday morning conrad and i took advantage of the cool, overcast weather and our spiffy dual car seat stroller. we set out on a walk, our first walk. we headed downtown, to the post office, to the coffee shop; discovered a tasty treat at Mellalos called Nut Coffee, and spilled some on the car seat on the walk back home. shit for shocks. overall, the whole ordeal yesterday went so well that this morning i decided we should make the 15 min drive out to ashland and walk the trail at lithia park, lay down a blanket under a tree, read some books, take a nap.

i couldn't figure out how to fold the car seat into it's portable feature so back to downtown we went. we repeated the previous morning with a few improvisations: i got my short Nut Coffee in a tall glass to eliminate spillage, we headed down Fir instead of Grape St, and we stumbled upon a baby boutique where i found my million dollar already spoken for. i guess i'm not the only mom who's realized after being peepeed on for the fiftieth time that something needed to be invented. on our walk back home, a homeless guy tried to say Hi. (note the tried because i pretended not to understand english. very difficult when done in silence.). unfortunately, he was heading the same direction as us. every few minuetes he would stop and glance back and i would grab my cell phone or make hand gang signs at him. the whole exchange dissolved when a stampede of firetrucks and cop cars whizzed past us, stopping in front of our house. immediately i begun to go down the list of appliances that might have been left on that could have started a fire: straightening iron...Off, and that's pretty much all i could think of. so then i began crafting possible scenerios, like where a homeless person {we live near a mission and drug house} jumped over our fence only to be mauled to death by Lou, or two spunned hobos got in a needle/aluminim can fight in our front yard. as i approached the house i noticed the drama wouldn't involve me afterall but my neighbors curtis and stevie. i hope everythings ok. i hope the hobos weren't bothering them.

once home i was soon enlightended that conrad had filled his diaper to the max. yellow poop juice had leaked from the trusty leak-proof wings onto his outfit. typically, i would say having to start the endless outfit changing at 11 o'clock in the morning sucks but this time around i wasn't bummed. see all morning strangers kept asking if he was a boy or a girl (i speculate this was because his outfit had a pink giraffe on it) so i was glad to have an excuse to get him into something indisputably boyish. he's grown like a weed in the past 4weeks, 2 lbs heavier and 4 inches longer to be exact. so i felt confident in him fitting into his orange tiger outfit. which he is rocking loud and snug.

greatness.

Conrad Emery Eggert
July 20th, 2006
7.9 oz. 19 in.

happy 3 weeks dear baby of mine. last night at 2:20am to be exact. i would have woke you but we had just been up a hour before. you had a quick snackie on my titty and then dropped a load before dozing back off again. while i was feeding you i saw something big and black crawl across the floor into the living room. i didn't tell you then, as you looked so content and happy but it really scared the crap out of mommy and still this morning i can't help but do a little freak out at every dark thing i see. but you my dear are doing awesome. at two weeks you had already gained over a whole pound! the doc orginally told us our goal was to have you back at birth weight at two weeks so we are all astounded at how well your eating and growing. you have quite a bit of trouble with digesting your grub it seems; this morning you woke yourself little past six am because of the toil in trying to pass gas. you make funny faces and grunt when your going number two, which cracks daddy and mommy up to smitherrens. one night back when you were only a week your daddy, gramma, and i were all changing your diaper (Team Conrad, we called ourselves); you were still pooping out that crap they call melaconium; we had your diaper off and were cleaning your bum when you decided to go again and again and again and again, grimacing all the while. gramma was on the floor laughing herself to tears, daddy was gasping in shock, and mommy was doing her best to hold your legs up out of the heap of crap while laughing uncontrollably. your bowel movements have become entertainment around here. though i'm a little concerned you might be lactose intolerant, and i hate seeing you in such discomfort. otherwise, your a perfectly healthy and happy baby. you love the sensory bouncer godmommy rachel got you. anytime i need to be hands free all i have to do is set you in it and your good as gold. ecspecially if Mr. Bee is in sight. developmentally your two months ahead of schedule. which brings me back to Mr. Bee who you try to grab and make cooing noises at. all things newborns are suppose to be incapable of.



you love to be read to. your favorite book is Polar Bear, Polar Bear What Do You Hear; you also like Old Bear, Max The Minnow, The Teddy Bear ABC, and Good Dog Carl( Lou). when we read to you, you look at the pictures following the story with your eyes. it's amazing how smart you are. you also love it when daddy plugs in the bass and plays with you laying right next to him. you've even played a cord already. you and your daddy have an incredibly bond: when your fussy all it takes is for your daddy to pick you up and lay you in his lap. you had your first bath this week and you did great. no crying, no nothing. just happy as a clam. anytime i need to wash you (like when you pee on yourself) ,you don't seem to mind at all. i have a feeling your going to be a waterbaby, which has me stoked. i can't wait to teach you how to swim and how to dive!!!! maybe when your old enough we could get a two man kayak and spend all our weekends out on the river. your daddy is equally excited at the thought of taking you fishing but we are both LOVING having you the size and age you are at this very moment. you couldn't be anymore precious than you are. really son, your perfect.

by this time tomorrow i assume i'll be holding my child, outside of my uterus. yes, my whole world is about to change, more than it already has, more than i'm sure i can project, imagine. there will be family in the waiting room; i wish some of them where the ones i'm more familar with, more comfortable with. neverless, they will be there: excited, elated, thrilled, and overwhelmed with the same sense of awe and gratefulness jon and i both share. my mother won't be far behind in the festivities. she'll make it a few hours late but, undoubtedly, in need, by me.

jon has his clothes laid out; i went to old navy today and bought an outfit i hope will fit the new transitional body of me; the diaper bag is loaded with diapers, nursing bra pads, numerous onesies, booties, mittens, a hand stitched hat from stephanie, a blanket from rachel, and a soft square toy that won some grand toy prize. tonight, before i attempt at going to bed i'll place everything by the front door. then in the morning: make sure i remember my cell phone charger, tooth brush, tooth paste, lou has a full dish of food, all the lights are off, and the baby's room is dust free (an on-going battle between me and dead skin cells!) . and i bet i'll cry all the way to the hospital. i don't need to see the little guy to know i already possess an immense amount of love for him i never knew was humanly possible-to know i'm hours( then in the morning even closer) to holding this thing i love more than anything else, makes me all light headed, flushed with so many emoutions it's hard to breathe them all in one breath. love has reached a new dimension i never knew existed.

at some point i'll make it back here. unfortunately until we get the internet at home, i'll have no pictures to upload, but i'll have stories and a baby.

currently: having a contraction. i just trumped every drunk blogger Ever.

i dreampt the other night i found this truely adorable diaper bag for ten dollars. it was italian and leather. and on friday night i caught myself at a firework show checking out other mom's strollers; mentally comparing, rating, which ones i would like, conrad would like, look good in. i'm forcing myself to get my hair cut tomorrow. it's been too long and things are getting unruly; i need to keep the balance, i'm afraid one day i'll be That poor lady on What Not To Wear or Ten Years Younger. it's consuming, and all i want to do is throw myself into it's throngs: conrad emery. forget the fact my roots are terrifying, forget every owning a pair of prada high heeled boots, forget it all. god, i'm stoked. it really could be any moment now. Now. but if it's not he'll, whether he likes it or not, be here on the 19th. that's the docs orders.

if my(and by MY i mean JON'S) camera wasn't in texas, and if we weren't so poor (pronounced phooh) (so i could download the pics), i could have everyone reading this crying, and pitying me, instead.

the hubbie went fishing last weekend with his brother. once on friday night then again on saturday and sunday. it was friday night's excursion below 4000 ft., jon's forgetfulness to put his possible poison oaked clothes in a separate plastic bag, and my wearing his t'shirts to bed that has me from neck to knees covered in a red, puss filled rash. not too mention, incredibly ITCY. of course, jon didn't get a lick of it and contributes this to him being a true woodsmen. also, uber lucky.

i've spent the past few nights sleeping on the coach as we are afraid the bed is contaminated so today i'm going to laundry mat and washing everything fifty times.

it's all i've got for today and maybe for the next two weeks.

i wonder if hitting rock bottom is finding regis and kelly live enjoyable, dear i admit...humorous. yes, that was me this morning: belly full of peanut butter toast and chocolate milk, laying on the coach with the world's most comfortable blanket, unable to change the channel, afraid to look up in case i really was down.

because damn that kelly is sassy and witty, and talk about chemistry! her and regis are just a fantastic duo.

watching had me wanting a new york visit. and new york visits get wanting self-gratification, expensive lingere, european shoes, lunches in soho, days dedicated to the MET, and More out of Everything. it's a wonderfully evil place. i'm so overwhelmed with the frustrations of life right now: the fodder of fights and restless nights that most married couples go through that i always thought i'd be cooler than and more prepared so to avoid but here i am in it's grip and it's killing me and thus, annoying the hubs.

i feel so incredibly useless; so terribly upset with myself for getting myself here unprepared and even more, letting it affect me as it is.

a snow cone could fix this all, if only for the sugary ice melting 15 minutes it would take to devour. but oh, Where?

not a dime of time for self-editing. i admire the polished and composed, much more than i should. i find there is nothing glamorous about someone falling apart or fragments hanging from the celing post or a man crying(still sorry all the these years later) or dirty nails or runny eye liner, not even chunky highlites for that matter. which is why i have never understood the appeal of courtney love and loathe at my own inablity to transpire, on here, proper grammar and correct spelling. it's what drives me to scrub the grout lines in my kitchen and idolize gwneyth paltrow's style. it's more or less a virgo thing, i assume.

conrad is due in exactly one month from day. jon and i went to half a day Birth Preparation Class on saturday. half a day because we're both intolerable know-it-alls who decided we really didn't need the class afterall. however, i did find some of the information given to be useful, for instance, i'm almost 75% sure i'm going with the epidural now that i know the feel good juice won't med conrad. the only factor holding me back from a full 100 is the knowledge that once injected your immobile, stuck in bed. that, when in light of the fact first time babies typically take anywhere from 16-24 hrs to have, has me a little hesitant to be bed ridden for so long.

and there is my nickle.

before i explode, or "POP", and time, as i've been told, will disappear into the thin air around me until the one day i wake up to find myself at a highschool graduation wearing Birkenstocks and loving Oprah:

we moved about a month ago. out of an oddly spacious garage apartment we put our blood and sweat into-into a lovely little house with hardwood floors, an oven, a splendid yard, two bedrooms, and a pond in the front yard-in the medford ghetto..so to speak. the only thing to put it over the top would be cable, internet, a dishwasher, and the sounds of bullfrogs and owls as i go to sleep. i haven't quite got the baby room done. need a dern crib still!!! nor am i as ready for conrad as i know, 4 weeks out, as i should be. i could make a list of the neccasities but i'll restrain myself.

the trip to texas was awesome. a little hot and muggy but damn did it feel nice to have my sister with me and spend so much time with my parents...

hubbie just called, needs me to meet him at a gas station.

maybe next time i have a chance to post i'll be skinny.

jan 7,2006
part 1

breathing, bright sun. penetrating, motivating a rush of blood to my toes. toes because the head is always rushing, blood or no blood; seeking for some movement, a supernatural error in divine order of the Laws. i've been waiting for spring for seven rainy disimal months and now the temptress is here! what shall i do today, and what shall i not?!? the bump limits, and rightly so- he is over seven months old and as so is in the forfront of every thought, every decision, every movement, and me. i'll rock climb here soon enough, i'll go rafting next time around, i'll drink every person i know under the table after the breastfeeding is over. i'm going to be a mommy. a mommy. wow. i have these stoner moments all the time- my mind tripping, blowing, expanding at one single thought. flippin flip!!!

i bought the new Lips albumn. my first purchase in toooo long. it's the Lips alright and that's about it. i'm glad i got it but i wish i would have waited to find that Delgado albumn instead. that is a gem. a real shiny one.

my weekend consisted of a friday night out with my honey, an excuriatingly boring day at work, the iron chef, french toast at dolly vardens, yard work, fishing up in the high mountains, a downtown ice cream walk, and laundry. jon entertains me, fulfills me.

but hot dog, my trip back home is nearly here!!! me and boo reunited. one day we will all live in san diego together and life will be that cherry up on top.

(i have tried to upload seven other pictures, i hope this one does for now sweet des.)

how can i expect to actually deposit something here when i know being here means less time doing the things that must get done...like the flippin laundry?!? that great vast heep of dirty clothes demanding i not only wash and dry them but fold each one of them One At A Time. now there is a million dollar idea: a way to do laundry without doing the laundry! see, i have an intense case of liking things to be as simple as possible, so much that one day i might just sport a wig instead of taking the time to dry and flat iron or curl or whatever to my hair. it just takes up too much time, time i would rather spend doing anything else but. plus, if little conrad is ever going to attend a prep school like i want him to jon and i gotsta step up to the luck plate and hit one out of the park.

segway

i registered last night on target.com for my nonexistant bridal shower so please if you wish to send my little tyke something i suggest you make your wishing a reality and go there immediately. i really would have liked to register at IKEA but the damn swedes aren't up to speed with such things. i still plan on getting the crib and changing table there; the price and look is just too right! we are also about to get a new couch which might not seem, to those whom have never seen this piece of junk, like news worthy of mention but OH it is. i mean, our couch is in such bad shape that i would be embarrassed to have the salvation army drive over and pick it up. seriously.

the trip to texas is on and i'm so incredibly stoked!!!!! i'll be there for two weeks but am still unsure at if i will be able to spend some if any time in dallas. if so you will be able to find me at the allgood cafe stuffing my face; michelle has a few other restaurants she has discovered since my departure that i must experience, as well do we plan on hitting the nasher( oh! nasher at nights, jazz under the stars in a garden of art with martinis and rach...how i love those memories so!!!!!) , the aquarium, and buffalo exchange. it would be nice to see a few familar faces as well ;)

road trip to corpus anyone?

Here Ye, the perfect sandwhich was made yesterday. screw your reservations with eatzies, if i had bone bread i too would be rolling in the dough as well.

damn, is there anything better than El Gato in the morning?!? if my life has a soundtrack i hope the entire albumn of We're Birds get's played over and over again. really, i can think of no other albumn that has the same effect on me. Built To Spill comes close but as michelle says, "it might be a chocolate chip but it ain't no cookie".

portland was awesome, a much needed retreat from the hodrum of medford. but now jon and i are joksing(?) for another visit, another trip, more interaction, more card games, more waterfalls. i didn't get a crib, but i did get a speeding ticket despite by pitiful attempt at using my pregnancy as a scape goat.

the weather here as been flawless. everything is in bloom. the grass is a green i have never seen in nature, electric...neon. daphadilles spring up everywhere from the side of the highway to front yards to parking lots. the valley floor is plagued with trees budding white and pink popcorn and yellow weeping willows. jon and i have been waiting for a nice weekend to get our hands dirty in the garden and it looks like this weekend might just be the ticket.

another great discovery this week has been Safeway, a partner grocery store with Tom Thumb. it's fair trade, the aisles are big enough for two shopping carts, i can find the chicken, they sell both my favorite cookies ( LU's cinnamon biscuits) and the best brand of deli meat and cheeses out there, Primo Taglio. believe it or not but when your hundreds of thousands of miles away from home such small things that remind you of being back home are like nuggets of comfort. hence my new infatuation with Starbucks.

late for work.

before time evades me once more, here i go:

as informative and useful as my "Your Pregnancy Week by Week" book has been it has failed to warn me that in week 23( or whatever the 6 month mark is) your belly button becomes a third nipple. thank the good Lord above i was born with an half innie otherwise my third nipple might be mistaken as a penius. who's penius exactly would be the fun part.

warning: spell check was not done.

the sensation, the indescribable elation at seeing my unborn child for the first time, having a pocketful of pictures as a memory token, and a kinkos down the street from work from which i've been planning, at times, attempting, to utilize thier facility to scan these unbelievable images of my son onto a cd in hope to share with you and my ever loosing patience family the miracle of life in my tummy had left me waiting till the day i actually got them on here to blog. the Day, that Day, seems to be somewhere over the rainbow together with my wedding pictures running before me, egging me on with a carrot tied to a string, so till then i'll tarry on, i'll try to put in words how humbling and joyous and mind blowing it is to watch on an inexcusably small monitor that appears to be connected to heaven this tiny object grab it's tiny legs, then, like looking at one of those pictures in the mall, with the assisted visual coaching of a trained technican, making out the head, the heart, the chest cavity, counting two arms, two legs, and one "definitive" male organ in between; except at the mall the pictures are typically of ufo's in the celestial nightsky or unicorns prancing through fields of daisies and butterflies. but yah, i'll try: !!!!! .

the best advise anyone gave me as to what the sex would be was from kristy, because truely, i thought it was going to be a girl; so hence, therefore, as kristy warned/advised me, it must be a boy. i really didn't care before if it was a boy or a girl, but now that i know i'm indisputably having a dude, i would be heartbroken if he was a she. my mind and imagination are teeming with the days that will spent fishing in creeks, going to little league games, taking kuddie shots, running around the apartment like race car drivers, and disinfecting around the toliet bowl. i know little boys can be hell raisers, will be hell raisers, but in my opinion God hit the mark with giving me a little dude. jon seems to be stoked with the sonogram outcome as well, almost as if his manlihood was increased by procreating a x and y chromosone. we are still batting back and forth name ideas, conrad topping the charts; neverless, indecisiveness and jr. high memories of the kids who got teased plagues any real finality.

as for the the exterior of our little boys temporary lodging, i'm beginning to look like i am, ostensibly, more than just bloated or a beer gut bartender chic. the shape of pregnancy has transformed my akwardly bulbeous abdomen into a shapely defined, rather large and growing as i write, pug. finding maternity clothes that fit have proven to be a pestilent situation; i have thankfully retained my small physique, give or take an extra five pounds in the ass, and as such size small isn't small enough and so i'm faced with the plight of buying clothes online where stores like Gap offer size 0 and 2 in maternity apparel. all i really need are one good pair of jeans that i can sit comfortably on the coach in and i'll be happy.

next weekend jon and are i planning on going up to portland, i'm hoping we come back with a crib. i've already found a few i really like, props to craigslist. their won't be a baby room for quite a while but still- i would love to get going on his corner of the room as soon as possible. we have discussed the decorating theme and we both like the concept of doing a fairy tale like world around his crib. in desire to paint such a world on the area of the room designated for the baby i've looked for books on how to draw various such characters and objects at the library to no avail. which is probably best...for my walls.

day by day i'm introduced to new sensations: the constant urge to go to the bathroom, the itchiness of my belly, the kicks and stretches of my son inside me, the uncontrollable gas, the greatness of second trimester sex, and the piercing pain of my side when my son is laying on my sciatic nerve. just this evening as i layed on the coach watching the evening news, gently rubbing a spot on my belly that was dying for an itch, i felt the baby begin to squirm, a "tickled" sort of squirm, so i continued to dance my fingers along the obviuos spot where he layed, laughing uncontrollably at the squirms going on within.

so often i catch myself mystifying the past in embellished grandeur, longing for the days that were instead of paying homage to the present and what i might long for if only it was already a memory. i hope not to make that make mistake now; to relish every moment in the moment. i understand this oppurtunity might not ever come again just as much as it will come again, either way i find refuge in knowing i'm cherishing every second of it. even this one.

taking it with me, in spirit and in unsurpassable fondness.

recently...

i've been reading: Master Mind: The Rise and Fall of Fritz Haber, The Nobel Laureate Who Launched The Age of Chemical Warfare.

in the previous two days i was able to start and finish: Devil In The White City.

listening to alot of: Swervedriver, the Danes, and Whiskeytown.

eating too much of: Samoas Girl Scout Cookies and Arbys.

making it a habit to: have a daily shot of wheatgrass. (the claim is one ounce is equivalent to 2 lbs of leafy greens. astonishing if true.)

totally addicted to: sweet ice tea

syyked about: my first sonogram on Monday.

wearing: striped pj shorts and a t'shirt that reads, "Don't Give Me Any Drugs".

procrastinating for no good reason: going to the post office for much needed two cent stamps and making the 'round of calls' and emails. how it's been ages!!!

tomorrow: is my day off though i'm meeting with the management at the City to talk shop about the position offered to be Big Chief of Swimming Bull this summer; after which i plan on taking a past due yoga class, then coming back home to fulfill my domestic responsabilities as Head Custodian.

craving: Breadwinners, Allgood Cafe, and the chicken n' dumplings at TABC(in light that it is, in essence, chicken, cream, and dough, i find no hesitation in claiming their version as culinary brilliance).

i'd really like: a massage and my little sister, in terms of physical domain, to be no further than 25 miles in proximity from me.

on myspace: i recieved a 'friend request' from my highschool french teacher. i accepted for the bizaare quality.

the light of day: publishing old drafts that never made it past the cutting board or my head

feb 2006
"I was not sure of being beautiful enough."Anais Nin

Nursing an upset stomach with the Starbucks version of a Arnold Palmer, sitting in an oversized maroon velvet chair with one of the many diaries of Anais Nin in my lap, my eyes came to a halting stop at those words. Something in me stirred, a feeling in my past buried under layers of pain had been unwantingly purged, and I began to remember the insecurities i've overcome, the faces that caused them, the glances that went over me, and a resolution made to forget them, it. I, like the author, was thin and underdeveloped throughout my formative years; i soon realized the boys were only intertested in me for my proximity to the pretty, developed girls, and I was not one. Unlike the author however, my affinity to be loved and understood wasn't sufficient enough to cause me to compensate with other attributes as a snare, instead I found comfort in the love found in friendships and my family. Neverless, all those years of being invisible to the opposite sex, had a great impact on the woman i'm becoming.

oct 2005
tristan is running around the living room, recklessly; loudly gurgling nonsense to the dog he's chasing and the audience he knows is watching. he is attempting to throw a blanket over the dogs head in hope to suffocate it, i can only imagine. i don't remember ever being this unruly, but anyways. the news/sports/sport news in the background is to focus solely on the aroma. it works for awhile. when i come to, i'm comotosed: i'm really here in this living room in the outskirts of a small oregon "city". i never saw this coming. not until i said yes to moving here at least, and still i can't believe i'm here.


april 2005
finding the words is one thing, manipulating them to jump from a safe and cozy habitat to complete and utter darkness is quite another thing altogather. like so, i have a friend; i have a friend who for two years has buckled under the pressure of the vulnerability that comes with spoken honesty. she feels outloud but shares these feelings only in her head and to her friends, typically more openly after a few cocktails or a cappacino. i can't condone or condemn her behavior--so many times before, so this very second, i too, do. it's not neccesarily a torment without prospect. there is a relief that lies in the belief that time will do the talking for us. afterall, is it not on my side?!?

feb 2005
duck is no longer on the menu

like sneaking a peek into the kleenex after blowing your nose, so i believe is the common secretivity and private shame in many a things. insecurities, curiosities, and guilty pleasures: weighing ourselves, only after (and never before) taking a number two, waking up every morning in time for dawsons creek, an erotic dream concerning the same sex, a solo follicle of hair growing in an unwanted place, hanging on to a box full of mementos from an old lover (years after the fact), eating a piece of candy despite it's 30 second duration spent on the ground, believing the onion was a credible source of news before you were too cool to know better, reading your horoscope before you read the front page, reading your significant others before you read your own, and smoking menthols.fccking a.d.d, i have no idea where i was going with that!!! i seemed to have ventured off for the past two hours, thanks to craigslist and myspace. both are endless entertainment. you wouldn't believe the trashy and irrestible (from a social stand point of course) content found in rant and raves. "

march 2005
"i miss you,do you miss me?
how is work?
how is your life?
if something bad or you are mad e-mail me, it will help.
i am here for you.
love,
nichole"

i never thought the day would come when i would meet someone who talked more than my dear hubbie's mother. the idea alone of someone out there to combat with my M.I.L in a chat-a-thon seems cruel, inhumane; and i'm not being a tad over dramatic either, it's the god honest truth: that woman can talk for hours and days without needing to take a breath or a bathroom break. a freak of nature it is to behold. before i had met her jon warned me but like the naive little child i am i believed that he was either over-exaggerating or that his mother was merely socially neglected and therefore came across as conversationally imbalanced to the only people in her life whom she had access to. as result of this line of thinking i had no excuses conjured up or means for escape for my first encounter. i was a deer in the head lights.

but as the years have progressed i have adapted to ignore politeness and go straight for survival, which means cutting her off mid sentence when needed and not calling her back until i have an hour minimum of time to commit to the possibility of not being able to end the conversation. i know this must paint me to be a horrible person and i might very well be but i do love her and in moderation i sincerely enjoy her companionship; through it all i have learned to accept constant idle chatter as an unique personality trait rather than a mental illness.

then on monday morning i was sent out to grants pass for training. it was there that i met the Ultimate Chatter Box and there i might die if this training really does last for a month like they say it will. the lady doesn't just chat about every aspect of her life, oh no, she gives full detail, commentary, dialogue, and cross references as well. it's enough to make me want to get stoned while carrying a perfect child dependent on me making good and healthy choices.

thank goodness for her i'm not there on my own time, cause if i was i would turn the gun on her before shooting myself.

;)

feb 14th is my second favorite holiday; doesn't matter if i'm single, heart broken, or married because when True Love gets inside of you...


you want to explode with happiness.
you want to inhale the intangible world of joy, holding it in till your head begins to spin .
you want to call every single person in your phone and tell them how happy you are because of their participation in your life.
you want to smile crazy like an imbecile.
you want to buy small heart shaped candies and pass them out to total strangers .

( it also makes me invincible)

knowing so many see valentines day as a day of expectation or disappointment kills me. i won't be so pompous as to say what this day shouldn't be about but i will say it should be about and that is celebrating the palpablity of Love: the fact it exists, in all forms, shapes, and sizes. who ever decided it should only be used for romantic interest should be hung by their toe nails-love is so much more; exceeding such limitations, empowering the feeblest of men to be the greatest of all, and encompassing in it's practice indefinite healing power. it should be celebrated on it's designated day by all.

and i hope you do.

there is something very unsettling about getting a voicemail from your doctors office moments after you left that same afternoon requesting you come back first thing monday morning for some tests, as requested by the doctor himself. i can't tell you how eager the paranoia in me becomes at such a rare occurance. within ten minuetes of hearing the message i had already begun imagining the Lifetime movie made about me and my struggle with the rare illness; the letters i will have to start writing to my unborn child explaining how even without It being born It has already become my greatest achievement; and then the cries Jon will have my family-everyone telling one another "She really loved you SOOOOO much."

but after talking to the nurse at the doctor's office i found out my trip in is for a bilateral mammogram. which, as i've read, finding lumps in your boobies when your pregnant is quite normal. the odds for breast cancer are like 1 in 20,000.

neverless, "first thing monday morning"...good lord a tad dramatic don't you think?!?

i'm starting to feel like a duck when i waddle. today was my second day to venture out of the confines of my driveway and explore the road i live on. the first day i headed towards the wittle town of jacksonville. i made it about a forth of the way there, partly because i was nervous walking around the sharp turns as cars and semi's whizzed past me, secondly because my ears were so cold i thought i might loose them for good, but mostly because i'm abdominally convex and as so i walk a little slower, funnier. however this inability to graciously put one foot in front of the other isn't going to stop me anytime soon, i plan on conquering the opposite side of the road tomorrow!

i just found out this afternoon i got the job i was rooting for. which is great, time to celebrate, wahooo; unfortunately, the obvious and required implications of this job means i'm going to start needing to turn up the heat on my daily walks from a waddle to a run. in a few weeks i'll be expected to swim an exoberant amount of laps in an allotted amount of time; while at the present moment, i don't even have a bathing suit that fits to go practice in. in previous years, i've taught this certification- which means, i have no idea, even without the bowling ball in my tummy, if i have the stamina for such a feat. but who knows, ducks swim better than they waddle so i might be golden.

yesterday i got a call from my childhood best friend, it was totally out of the blue. the last time we had spoken or seen eachother was seven years ago at an Italian Garden in south arlington. she remebers me urging her to try to a squeeze of lime in her diet coke( which when said over the phone sounded like "wine in my diet coke". we had a good laugh after i said, "i made you do WHAT with wine and diet coke!!!") and i recalled her having a crush on a 16 year old. we were 19 at the time. much as changed, for the both of us. she is now married(to the 16er) and has an one and half year old little girl, Emma. got a picture from her in my inbox this morning of her and the little one and wasn't surprised at all; kristy looks the same and her little girl looks as i always imagined a little girl of kristy's to look: short wavy blonde hair with big curious blue eyes. but what was surprising was how it seemed a day never went by when in reality 2555 have. we picked up on that same magical best friend rhythm we shared as 1st graders under the monkey bars. two hours went by like they did when we were teenagers chatting away for hours on the phone till we would both fall asleep...on the phone, unaware we were that tired or it was that late. i have so many perfect memories of me and her, it warms my heart thinking back to all of them.

it's sunny again today. i'm wishing i could call michelle to see if she wanted to go on a walk with me this morning, instead i'll ask about the new apartment she got all by herself. sometimes the distance seems unbearable; i feel i'm missing so much and so much is missing her, back home doing the things we would do, the fullfilment and joy garnished from it. it kills me that i won't be there to help her move into her first place and that she isn't here to go with me to doc this coming friday to see and hear her niece or nephew. and at the same time, i remember what it was like to be so far away from jon- every thought was consumed with missing him and wanting him. how happy i was this summer when i had them both in arms length, and this past janurary when the three of us piled into jon's truck together, me in the middle, and made the long drive down to san diego.

sigh...

i just need a good cry this morning and a nutter butter.

a bright white world lies on the other side of my window; the fog has made it's way from the valley floor now up my side of the hill, it's a bizarre sight. blinding. i'm very aware this morning my days of lax are coming to an end here soon, on wednesday soon. from here to then i will try my best at utilizing every second of non-responsability i have left. of course, the house needs repaired and cleaned after this weekend. not that anything crazy happened here, we just, apart from me doing 90% of the dishes last night, chose not to clean up after ourselves from friday to last night. as if our mama was a maid. taking a quick look around the room i see my jacket tossed on the floor, my blow dryer and contacts next to the mirror, every single pair of jon's shoes by the front door, his pj pants dropped by the computer desk, an open bag of oreos lying on the counter, and so on and so forth. i wouldn't consider myself a clean freak, but that is an assumption drawn from a comparision to my sister, who is, the cleanest of them all. as children we had to share a room, which we split down the middle: her half and my half. her half was always spotless, tidy, categorized, dusted, and licked splickty clean. while my half was as i put it "i at least know where everything is"- words i now cringe at when my husband offers it as a defense for wanting to live out of non-organized plastic crates-but that was me then. somehow, in some mysterious way, in some ways, i think my sister and i have metamorphised into one another. i became prevy to this phenomen back when michelle was living in london. a friend of ours, who did traveling back and forth from dallas to england because of a band, had the oppurtunity to see the both of us on a 'on again/ off again' basis, and from that he was able to see michelle, an once shy and extremely introverted sort of girl, become outgoing and socially intrepid. while i on the other hand started to withdraw-experiencing for the first time in my life anxiousness in new social settings. his theory for this changeroo was sweet: that we, being soul-mates, without our other half, compensated in ourselves for our other half. whether that was the case or not, i do know it took me about a year after michelle had moved back to dallas to start to feel like the self i was before she moved away, though the anal retentiveness i picked up from her absence might be permanent. i guess you can say i tasted and saw, and i really bought into it. though i don't think i will ever make jon sit on the floor because i don't want wrinkles made on my bed spread. that one is a michelle special.

the fog is stuck. i might as well get going on mopping the kitchen floor now.

jon's remedy for having to share a bed with a nocturnal snuggler:

"what we need is a king size bed with satin sheets, you'll wear satin night gowns to bed that way when you get too close all i have to do is give you a push...like air hockey."

interview with Misty from Survivor (fiction. yes, i'm doing my first fake interview.)

me: hey misty, long time. congratulations on the Survivor spot.

misty: thanks, it has been a long time hasn't it?!?

me: yah, i think the last time i saw you, you were trying to hide my clothes in the back of your closet. nice one.

misty: sorry about that, but after living with me didn't you kinda expect crazy tactics?!?

me: i suppose i should have. i did expect you to be on reality tv eventually; although, i must be frank, i expected to see you on something like "Who Wants to Marry A Millionaire" not Survivor. which has me wondering, what lead you to do something like Survivor?

misty: well, you know how competive i am being the former Ms. Teen Texas and coming from a military family...i'm a tomboy in highheels.

me: (laughing)

misty: what?!? you know how down to earth i am.

me: (still laughing) i'm sorry, i'm sorry. it's just your so good at convincing not just other people but...never mind, that's rude of me. i'm being a total bitch and it's totally uncalled for. i think you'll win this thing. i really do. good luck.

misty: (tries to hug me so she can lift my wallet out of my purse)

i can hardly wait...

little girl names i like:
1. evalyn
2. lily
3. hazel
4. celeste
5. ariel
6. eve
7. paloma
8. michelle
9. anabelle
10. prudence

little boy names i like:
1. oliver
2. conrad
3. haden
4. mason
5. calvin
6. landon
7. noble
8. earnest
9. jonathan (junior)
10. ivan

immaturity does crazy things with our heads, mine in particular. the naiveness of my youth had me believe that all one had to do to rid themself of something or someone unpleasant was to ignore it, to pretend it didn't exist, and/or to avoid dealing with it at all costs. which, in a conceptual sort of way works just fine; unfortunately, reality, as in this regard, deals in the definitive-laying waste to the idealism of relativity and subjectivity-demanding, by inevitability or a personal conviction to grow up, accountability and ownership despite the horrors it might, and probably will, entail. i know this now more than ever as of tonight when i began the dreadful search into my credit.

see, back at the tender age of 18 i foolishly accepted a credit card to american eagle and exxon, then opened a checking account at a bank. a few years later i bought a brand-spanking-new car and took out a student loan for school. i did all this in the face of my parent's advice against it; afterall, at the time, i was working more than enough to supplement my bills and anyways, i seemed to be doing just fine. but as dad knows best, i wasn't so great at balancing a check book or remembering to pay my bills on time. before i knew it, i had bad marks on my credit report and before anyone knew it, 9-11 happened. nuff said.

i vowed years and years ago to distance myself from any sort of credit card (as if anyone in their right mind would give me one) and bank. from that point on i became a "cash is cash does" sort of girl. but that didn't stop the collectors, they kept sending me threatening letters and i kept, except for the occasional walk down memroy lane, throwing them away without even opening them. i had heard that after 4 or 7 years if you haven't made payment or contact with your debtors the discrepancies go away; and so, i've waited to the point of forgetting.

then tonight something said in conversation with jon had me switching online gears from myspace.com to annualcreditreport.com. i began wondering what might be in there. i seemed to have cleaned up my act pretty good within the past couple of years but heaven and experian only knows just how nasty that past of mine might be. and not only that but, since it has been 7 plus years for alot of my debts, and since i do remember a letter here and there from attorney offices about variuos debts, the likelihood is that: had i not ignored those letters i could have filed a Statue Of Limitations and be free of my past but, because i chose to close my eyes to reality i, in all probablity, now have judgements against me that can last a lifetime. and the really sad thing is, had i made contact with my creditors orginally, all this could have been cleared away for a few hundred dollars. i probably spent that, and then some, on starbucks alone last year.

i have no idea yet if repairing my credit is do-able but at least i'm looking at it in it's ugly face and not one bit afraid to french it if i have to.

tastes like chicken

when i was seven years old my father took my sisters and i to a boxer breeder to pick out our future puppy. it was every seven years old dream come true: puppies pinning you to the ground with wet kisses and bites that tickled. like the pattern the rest of my life would take, i chose the quiet one. we named her peggy sue and she was the best dog ever. when i was sick peggy would lay with me, not leaving me alone for a milisecond; when i needed a shoulder to cry on peggy would just sit there as i wrapped my arms around her pouring tears onto her shiny coat; when a stray dog tried to attack me and my tennis game, peggy like lassie, was there to protect me; when i had slumber parties peggy was true blue and let me and my girlfriends paint her nails all sorts of hideous shades; she was the sort of dog disney makes movies about and death can not touch the memory of. of course, she wasn't perfect- her toots were lethal, she had it out for the mailman bad, and she loved the taste of my mothers leather shoes. never less, i don't remember Life With Peggy being filled with frustration after frustration as i am currently experiencing with lou dog. maybe it's me not wanting to touch the perfect picture i have of my first dog.... regardless, Life With Lou is a whole other ballgame. recently, he has taken up an old habit: the habit of eating the crotch out of my dirty undies. and of course, he has impeccable taste at which pairs he chooses to snack on. never the old cotton ones, but the new silky, ruffled, lacey-basically, just the ones i found at stores i couldn't afford anything else but(t). i feel partially responsible. if i had done the laundry before it got so out of control it was spilling out of the laundry basket perhaps he wouldn't have been able to get to it; or, like, if i didn't have a Vag maybe then my cute undies wouldn't be heading off to a landfill. i don't know how to end this...my dog likes the taste of my dirty undies so much he eats the crotch right out. what else is there to add?!?

despite my inner voice begging not to blog about the recent change in my body odor (or lack therewas), i'm going to anyways. see, it all started happening about the time i found out i was pregnant. i began to notice a musky smell i had smelled before on other people but never on myself: it was the dreaded stench hippie’s worldwide-yes the infamous stank of B.O! this might be gross to some, but i swear, i have never needed deodorant. never. my sweat, well at least Use to be, completely and mysteriously, odorless. i could go out for a five mile run, be just drenched in sweat, and not smell at all. i chalk this phenomenon of mine up to the fact i limit the amount of animal fat and animal bi-products in my diet- but i have no Fitness or Shape article to back this up. totally hypothetical. now all of a sudden though, i'm smelly-i stink-and since i haven't bought deodorant since Teen Spirit, and therefore have no idea what to buy now that i'm Adult Spirit, i've been using my husband's manly ArmGuard (or something super masculine like that) then masking that up with my perfume, Burberry Brit. as you could imagine, i now smell like a girl who just got, not just some, but Alot. and although i don't mind that perception, i would like my own deodorant stick. any suggestions?

today in pictures


a family of deer came by the apartment this afternoon for some tea and scones. mr. buck (as seen in the thicket) was a tad on the shy side, but overall we all had a blast.


the bump is getting so bumbalicious i'm having no choice but to wear quasi-maternity clothing. everyone has told me that with your first one you don't begin to show till your 6 months or so but my belly is out to prove them all wrong.

the anxiety is new, and this is coming from someone who has waited tables for over 5 years. i laid on the floor tonight. just laid there and breathed, focusing on stretching the tense muscles in my lower back; on releasing the pressure within my lungs. relief took only a few minutes but the mystery of why is, hours later, lingering with me; attempting to make a full circle of anxiety. what was it that Buddha taught...don't be concerned with that you can't control, or something of the sort. but it's that process of realizing, of making an effort, a push as to what you can control and what you can not, of what is in your realm of responsibility (and ability) and what is not that is the Great Concern. and then there is the internal hissy fit, where things didn't go as you imagined them or wanted them or needed them; but your an adult and you've been taught to deal with the cards life has dealt, to be the bigger person, to put on a happy face- so you swallow the worm, you adjust, you try with everything you have in yourself to keep the worm down. and the worse thing is, you know your being narrow sighted, you know you should slap yourself, you know you have it real good.

i've started reading one of those dummy books, the one for grammar and usage. it's frustrating to read my own blog entries as i'm painfully aware i'm doing It All wrong. i wasn't always so bad. once upon a time i knew where to put semi-colons but years went by without any sort of accountability or regard; i filled my poor little head with everything from proust to nin to king james to eggars to chabon, each with their own style, muddling my vague recollection of 8th grade grammar lessons in the consecution.

and now the approach of midnight is doing it's own type of muddling. goodnight.

And Now This Is Happening



every single morning i wake to find an 105 lb dog sleeping on the couch and every single morning i scold him and beat him for doing it. he knows he's not suppose to but he doesn't care, the dog is satan. i got home this afternoon from the obgyn to the suspension that the dog had been napping in my bed. however, i had no proof. i hadn't been home more than ten minuetes when i turned around and saw the dog back on the couch. strike 3. so although the weatherman is advising all pets and elderly be put indoors this afternoon, lou will not.



he will be outside in the sloshy snow.

my myspace "about me" and i really think i nailed it:

i think capitalizing, typically, is a waste of time.

i wish computers were never made available to the general public.

i can't spell to save my life.

i have about ten different spiral notebooks i use for "to-do" lists and personal finance tracking and projecting.

i wish they sold peanut butter by the gallons at normal grocery stores.

i put french fries on my hamburgers and potato chips on sandwhiches but i'm not into rosemary potatoes on egg sandwiches.

i've only turned down having sex with jon once.

i like people who have inhibitions with people.

i don't take myself or much else too seriously but at the same time i have great disdain for those who put too much importance on the unimportant.

i know your only suppose to like one or the other but i, equally, like the beatles and the rolling stones.

i own and wear a pair of cowboy boots.

i keep a pink plastic butterfly that came from a cupcake a good friend gave me pinned to my purse.

i think you can know alot about a person by the way and where they park, as well as the shoes they wear and the music they like.

i can sincerely say that i love my little sister more than i love myself.

with that said, i do take friendship and love uber duber seriously.

i love walking, traveling, and the sunshine.

i want to learn how to rock climb because i think i have rock climbers legs already.

my dream job is to own and operate an open floral shop like the ones in denmark.

i want to take care of my parents when they get old.

i'm married to my one and only.

my dog is a sinner.

and finally, i have a little bambino on the way, due sometime in the first week of july.

(ridiculously) bored

i should have made a point to blog when i was in dallas-when i had some resemblance of a life. here i'm at total loss of inspiration, of accounts; there isn't much and i don't do much, or see much or meet much...at all. i'm growing a baby, sure. it's awesome-i think i know where it's over sized little head is because the left side of my belly kinda pokes out more than the right, but overall the pregnancy is very non-eventful at this time. i wouldn't even know i was pregnant if wasn't for the fact i spent the last three months feeling like ass day in and day out, or that i haven't had a period in three months, and that my mother is constantly prying into my folic acid intake.

now that the wedding is over and the spontaneous throwing up has come to an end, i would love to get a job. yesterday i went to a flight attendant group interview but had to bail after realizing the job- in conjunction with becoming a new mom- were very incompatible. there isn't much opportunity here in southern oregon, especially if your post-high school education ended prematurely; but even if i had a bachelors degree i would be looking at the promise of $12 an hour, $15 at best. as my experience in the Office Place stands now i can hope to find something for $8 an hour-where as I need to make at least $11 to keep us afloat. i don't want to, i try not to, but i get discouraged, i become depressed, and i begin resenting this place. i'm not very good at masking my emotions, so jon inevitably sees and so hears my disdain; which, consequently, frustrates and irritates him.

i don't know what to do-we can't move until the tax situation is taken care of and there is enough cushion for such a move. now that a baby is on the way there are so many factors to take into consideration: you can't just leap without looking, everything has to be mapped, i's have to dotted and t's crossed; neighborhoods are taken into account, making sure health insurance will be provided is as important as making sure you have enough for gas for the trip.

i would very much like to throw my hands up in the air in defeat, pack-up, and move it on but now i'm stuck-i have no choice but to preserver through a situation i find seemingly hopeless. this maybe is the reason why i’m here because lord knows that when the going gets despondent, i sign out. it's a virtue i've never been able to master let alone accomplish.

well, here goes nothing. literally. ;)

perhaps i'll go running tomorrow morning.

silly time lines

good lord, it's magnifacent outside today...versus the glorious inside yesterday... wow, i even write as retarded as i think, amazing. but yes the sun is out, something that doesn't happen too often here in southern oregon and there are fugly clouds in the distance being held back by hills that look like mountains. i hope this lasts forever.

jon and i are going to church this morning. i guess my grandmother is right, "i've settled down". no more brunch at the church of terrillis, no more lessons of champagne and eggs benedict. i'm like a real adult-going to church on a sunday morning with plans to come home afterward and fix my hubbie lunch. i got a call from my cousin in florida this morning, she had just heard the news of me being pregant and wanted the 411, so i indulged her and she indulged me with the family gossip on that end. poor 21 year old thing is being told she needs to settle down like me. i told her to never settle down, never stay in only one place, and most of all-to never listen to me.

Later That Day

we never made it to church. jon felt too sick afterall, he's been ill since we got married but has been doing somewhat better this weekend. i wonder if his body is rejecting covenant... hmm. it's been an interesting first week of marriage. not alot of sex like i lead you to believe but alot of me serving dayquil and chicken and noodle soup and orange juice and tlc to my new hubbie wubbie. our honeymoon wasn't much different. there were a few times he was able to come play with me but most of the time my poor dear spent his recently accomplished marital status in bed whilst i skipped and whistled down the beaming beautiful streets of san diego below. and that's what happens when you go swimming in the freezing cold pacific ocean drunk in the middle of the night. *sigh* bachelor parties.

today i called the driver of a doubled park car an ass-nog. i feel as if it was one of my most brilliant moments yet. after being brilliant, i went inside target and discovered the global bazaar is going down. then i knew i was simply having a good day. sunny good day.

The Honeymoon

*starsailing will return after
the crazy marital sex ends.


we honeymooners at the san diego zoo


my favorite little guy


jon checking out the sea lions


the sea lions just chillin (our hotel was directly behind this cove.)


the happiest girl in the world


me checking out the room service menu


trying to catch the sunset out of a window in our hotel room

screw myth busters: i have daily proof a dogs mouth is dirtier than a humans, because last time i checked, me not lou brushes his teeth two times a day. and that's just the start of it.


(me taming the wild beast)

if i was smarter in the morning, this morning when i woke to find a 105 lb beast of a dog sprawled out on his back in human-imitating fashion sawing zzz's on THE COUCH, before yelling at him, i would have taken a picture, for it was, a pretty damn funny site to see. but as funny as his deliberate disobdience can be, most of the time i'm more annoyed at how relentless his deviant behavior is. no matter how hard you spank him or how mean you scold him, he will, right in front of your face, stick his in the trash can he is suppose to, and knows, to stay out of; he will, despite having a full bowl of water ten feet away, seize the oppurtunity for a drink out of the toliet bowl instead; he will, despite creative attempts to break his trance, make the ugliest snarls and growls you have ever heard if you get anywhere near his food bowl; he will, knowing he shouldn't, lay on anything laying on the ground-so yes, all my jackets and purses smell like dog ass and the couch has canine penis and ass juice soaked into it from where he cleans himself on it and the bathroom floor needs mopped daily(though i do it bi-weekly) from toliet fungi being dripped from his mouth as he leaves his watering hole and it's no longer a surprise to find trash in my bedroom from lou's picnics. this dog is running the show and i need advice on how to flip the tables on him without flipping the table on him.