the light of day: publishing old drafts that never made it past the cutting board or my head

feb 2006
"I was not sure of being beautiful enough."Anais Nin

Nursing an upset stomach with the Starbucks version of a Arnold Palmer, sitting in an oversized maroon velvet chair with one of the many diaries of Anais Nin in my lap, my eyes came to a halting stop at those words. Something in me stirred, a feeling in my past buried under layers of pain had been unwantingly purged, and I began to remember the insecurities i've overcome, the faces that caused them, the glances that went over me, and a resolution made to forget them, it. I, like the author, was thin and underdeveloped throughout my formative years; i soon realized the boys were only intertested in me for my proximity to the pretty, developed girls, and I was not one. Unlike the author however, my affinity to be loved and understood wasn't sufficient enough to cause me to compensate with other attributes as a snare, instead I found comfort in the love found in friendships and my family. Neverless, all those years of being invisible to the opposite sex, had a great impact on the woman i'm becoming.

oct 2005
tristan is running around the living room, recklessly; loudly gurgling nonsense to the dog he's chasing and the audience he knows is watching. he is attempting to throw a blanket over the dogs head in hope to suffocate it, i can only imagine. i don't remember ever being this unruly, but anyways. the news/sports/sport news in the background is to focus solely on the aroma. it works for awhile. when i come to, i'm comotosed: i'm really here in this living room in the outskirts of a small oregon "city". i never saw this coming. not until i said yes to moving here at least, and still i can't believe i'm here.


april 2005
finding the words is one thing, manipulating them to jump from a safe and cozy habitat to complete and utter darkness is quite another thing altogather. like so, i have a friend; i have a friend who for two years has buckled under the pressure of the vulnerability that comes with spoken honesty. she feels outloud but shares these feelings only in her head and to her friends, typically more openly after a few cocktails or a cappacino. i can't condone or condemn her behavior--so many times before, so this very second, i too, do. it's not neccesarily a torment without prospect. there is a relief that lies in the belief that time will do the talking for us. afterall, is it not on my side?!?

feb 2005
duck is no longer on the menu

like sneaking a peek into the kleenex after blowing your nose, so i believe is the common secretivity and private shame in many a things. insecurities, curiosities, and guilty pleasures: weighing ourselves, only after (and never before) taking a number two, waking up every morning in time for dawsons creek, an erotic dream concerning the same sex, a solo follicle of hair growing in an unwanted place, hanging on to a box full of mementos from an old lover (years after the fact), eating a piece of candy despite it's 30 second duration spent on the ground, believing the onion was a credible source of news before you were too cool to know better, reading your horoscope before you read the front page, reading your significant others before you read your own, and smoking menthols.fccking a.d.d, i have no idea where i was going with that!!! i seemed to have ventured off for the past two hours, thanks to craigslist and myspace. both are endless entertainment. you wouldn't believe the trashy and irrestible (from a social stand point of course) content found in rant and raves. "

march 2005
"i miss you,do you miss me?
how is work?
how is your life?
if something bad or you are mad e-mail me, it will help.
i am here for you.
love,
nichole"

i never thought the day would come when i would meet someone who talked more than my dear hubbie's mother. the idea alone of someone out there to combat with my M.I.L in a chat-a-thon seems cruel, inhumane; and i'm not being a tad over dramatic either, it's the god honest truth: that woman can talk for hours and days without needing to take a breath or a bathroom break. a freak of nature it is to behold. before i had met her jon warned me but like the naive little child i am i believed that he was either over-exaggerating or that his mother was merely socially neglected and therefore came across as conversationally imbalanced to the only people in her life whom she had access to. as result of this line of thinking i had no excuses conjured up or means for escape for my first encounter. i was a deer in the head lights.

but as the years have progressed i have adapted to ignore politeness and go straight for survival, which means cutting her off mid sentence when needed and not calling her back until i have an hour minimum of time to commit to the possibility of not being able to end the conversation. i know this must paint me to be a horrible person and i might very well be but i do love her and in moderation i sincerely enjoy her companionship; through it all i have learned to accept constant idle chatter as an unique personality trait rather than a mental illness.

then on monday morning i was sent out to grants pass for training. it was there that i met the Ultimate Chatter Box and there i might die if this training really does last for a month like they say it will. the lady doesn't just chat about every aspect of her life, oh no, she gives full detail, commentary, dialogue, and cross references as well. it's enough to make me want to get stoned while carrying a perfect child dependent on me making good and healthy choices.

thank goodness for her i'm not there on my own time, cause if i was i would turn the gun on her before shooting myself.

;)

feb 14th is my second favorite holiday; doesn't matter if i'm single, heart broken, or married because when True Love gets inside of you...


you want to explode with happiness.
you want to inhale the intangible world of joy, holding it in till your head begins to spin .
you want to call every single person in your phone and tell them how happy you are because of their participation in your life.
you want to smile crazy like an imbecile.
you want to buy small heart shaped candies and pass them out to total strangers .

( it also makes me invincible)

knowing so many see valentines day as a day of expectation or disappointment kills me. i won't be so pompous as to say what this day shouldn't be about but i will say it should be about and that is celebrating the palpablity of Love: the fact it exists, in all forms, shapes, and sizes. who ever decided it should only be used for romantic interest should be hung by their toe nails-love is so much more; exceeding such limitations, empowering the feeblest of men to be the greatest of all, and encompassing in it's practice indefinite healing power. it should be celebrated on it's designated day by all.

and i hope you do.

there is something very unsettling about getting a voicemail from your doctors office moments after you left that same afternoon requesting you come back first thing monday morning for some tests, as requested by the doctor himself. i can't tell you how eager the paranoia in me becomes at such a rare occurance. within ten minuetes of hearing the message i had already begun imagining the Lifetime movie made about me and my struggle with the rare illness; the letters i will have to start writing to my unborn child explaining how even without It being born It has already become my greatest achievement; and then the cries Jon will have my family-everyone telling one another "She really loved you SOOOOO much."

but after talking to the nurse at the doctor's office i found out my trip in is for a bilateral mammogram. which, as i've read, finding lumps in your boobies when your pregnant is quite normal. the odds for breast cancer are like 1 in 20,000.

neverless, "first thing monday morning"...good lord a tad dramatic don't you think?!?

i'm starting to feel like a duck when i waddle. today was my second day to venture out of the confines of my driveway and explore the road i live on. the first day i headed towards the wittle town of jacksonville. i made it about a forth of the way there, partly because i was nervous walking around the sharp turns as cars and semi's whizzed past me, secondly because my ears were so cold i thought i might loose them for good, but mostly because i'm abdominally convex and as so i walk a little slower, funnier. however this inability to graciously put one foot in front of the other isn't going to stop me anytime soon, i plan on conquering the opposite side of the road tomorrow!

i just found out this afternoon i got the job i was rooting for. which is great, time to celebrate, wahooo; unfortunately, the obvious and required implications of this job means i'm going to start needing to turn up the heat on my daily walks from a waddle to a run. in a few weeks i'll be expected to swim an exoberant amount of laps in an allotted amount of time; while at the present moment, i don't even have a bathing suit that fits to go practice in. in previous years, i've taught this certification- which means, i have no idea, even without the bowling ball in my tummy, if i have the stamina for such a feat. but who knows, ducks swim better than they waddle so i might be golden.

yesterday i got a call from my childhood best friend, it was totally out of the blue. the last time we had spoken or seen eachother was seven years ago at an Italian Garden in south arlington. she remebers me urging her to try to a squeeze of lime in her diet coke( which when said over the phone sounded like "wine in my diet coke". we had a good laugh after i said, "i made you do WHAT with wine and diet coke!!!") and i recalled her having a crush on a 16 year old. we were 19 at the time. much as changed, for the both of us. she is now married(to the 16er) and has an one and half year old little girl, Emma. got a picture from her in my inbox this morning of her and the little one and wasn't surprised at all; kristy looks the same and her little girl looks as i always imagined a little girl of kristy's to look: short wavy blonde hair with big curious blue eyes. but what was surprising was how it seemed a day never went by when in reality 2555 have. we picked up on that same magical best friend rhythm we shared as 1st graders under the monkey bars. two hours went by like they did when we were teenagers chatting away for hours on the phone till we would both fall asleep...on the phone, unaware we were that tired or it was that late. i have so many perfect memories of me and her, it warms my heart thinking back to all of them.

it's sunny again today. i'm wishing i could call michelle to see if she wanted to go on a walk with me this morning, instead i'll ask about the new apartment she got all by herself. sometimes the distance seems unbearable; i feel i'm missing so much and so much is missing her, back home doing the things we would do, the fullfilment and joy garnished from it. it kills me that i won't be there to help her move into her first place and that she isn't here to go with me to doc this coming friday to see and hear her niece or nephew. and at the same time, i remember what it was like to be so far away from jon- every thought was consumed with missing him and wanting him. how happy i was this summer when i had them both in arms length, and this past janurary when the three of us piled into jon's truck together, me in the middle, and made the long drive down to san diego.

sigh...

i just need a good cry this morning and a nutter butter.

a bright white world lies on the other side of my window; the fog has made it's way from the valley floor now up my side of the hill, it's a bizarre sight. blinding. i'm very aware this morning my days of lax are coming to an end here soon, on wednesday soon. from here to then i will try my best at utilizing every second of non-responsability i have left. of course, the house needs repaired and cleaned after this weekend. not that anything crazy happened here, we just, apart from me doing 90% of the dishes last night, chose not to clean up after ourselves from friday to last night. as if our mama was a maid. taking a quick look around the room i see my jacket tossed on the floor, my blow dryer and contacts next to the mirror, every single pair of jon's shoes by the front door, his pj pants dropped by the computer desk, an open bag of oreos lying on the counter, and so on and so forth. i wouldn't consider myself a clean freak, but that is an assumption drawn from a comparision to my sister, who is, the cleanest of them all. as children we had to share a room, which we split down the middle: her half and my half. her half was always spotless, tidy, categorized, dusted, and licked splickty clean. while my half was as i put it "i at least know where everything is"- words i now cringe at when my husband offers it as a defense for wanting to live out of non-organized plastic crates-but that was me then. somehow, in some mysterious way, in some ways, i think my sister and i have metamorphised into one another. i became prevy to this phenomen back when michelle was living in london. a friend of ours, who did traveling back and forth from dallas to england because of a band, had the oppurtunity to see the both of us on a 'on again/ off again' basis, and from that he was able to see michelle, an once shy and extremely introverted sort of girl, become outgoing and socially intrepid. while i on the other hand started to withdraw-experiencing for the first time in my life anxiousness in new social settings. his theory for this changeroo was sweet: that we, being soul-mates, without our other half, compensated in ourselves for our other half. whether that was the case or not, i do know it took me about a year after michelle had moved back to dallas to start to feel like the self i was before she moved away, though the anal retentiveness i picked up from her absence might be permanent. i guess you can say i tasted and saw, and i really bought into it. though i don't think i will ever make jon sit on the floor because i don't want wrinkles made on my bed spread. that one is a michelle special.

the fog is stuck. i might as well get going on mopping the kitchen floor now.

jon's remedy for having to share a bed with a nocturnal snuggler:

"what we need is a king size bed with satin sheets, you'll wear satin night gowns to bed that way when you get too close all i have to do is give you a push...like air hockey."

interview with Misty from Survivor (fiction. yes, i'm doing my first fake interview.)

me: hey misty, long time. congratulations on the Survivor spot.

misty: thanks, it has been a long time hasn't it?!?

me: yah, i think the last time i saw you, you were trying to hide my clothes in the back of your closet. nice one.

misty: sorry about that, but after living with me didn't you kinda expect crazy tactics?!?

me: i suppose i should have. i did expect you to be on reality tv eventually; although, i must be frank, i expected to see you on something like "Who Wants to Marry A Millionaire" not Survivor. which has me wondering, what lead you to do something like Survivor?

misty: well, you know how competive i am being the former Ms. Teen Texas and coming from a military family...i'm a tomboy in highheels.

me: (laughing)

misty: what?!? you know how down to earth i am.

me: (still laughing) i'm sorry, i'm sorry. it's just your so good at convincing not just other people but...never mind, that's rude of me. i'm being a total bitch and it's totally uncalled for. i think you'll win this thing. i really do. good luck.

misty: (tries to hug me so she can lift my wallet out of my purse)

i can hardly wait...

little girl names i like:
1. evalyn
2. lily
3. hazel
4. celeste
5. ariel
6. eve
7. paloma
8. michelle
9. anabelle
10. prudence

little boy names i like:
1. oliver
2. conrad
3. haden
4. mason
5. calvin
6. landon
7. noble
8. earnest
9. jonathan (junior)
10. ivan

immaturity does crazy things with our heads, mine in particular. the naiveness of my youth had me believe that all one had to do to rid themself of something or someone unpleasant was to ignore it, to pretend it didn't exist, and/or to avoid dealing with it at all costs. which, in a conceptual sort of way works just fine; unfortunately, reality, as in this regard, deals in the definitive-laying waste to the idealism of relativity and subjectivity-demanding, by inevitability or a personal conviction to grow up, accountability and ownership despite the horrors it might, and probably will, entail. i know this now more than ever as of tonight when i began the dreadful search into my credit.

see, back at the tender age of 18 i foolishly accepted a credit card to american eagle and exxon, then opened a checking account at a bank. a few years later i bought a brand-spanking-new car and took out a student loan for school. i did all this in the face of my parent's advice against it; afterall, at the time, i was working more than enough to supplement my bills and anyways, i seemed to be doing just fine. but as dad knows best, i wasn't so great at balancing a check book or remembering to pay my bills on time. before i knew it, i had bad marks on my credit report and before anyone knew it, 9-11 happened. nuff said.

i vowed years and years ago to distance myself from any sort of credit card (as if anyone in their right mind would give me one) and bank. from that point on i became a "cash is cash does" sort of girl. but that didn't stop the collectors, they kept sending me threatening letters and i kept, except for the occasional walk down memroy lane, throwing them away without even opening them. i had heard that after 4 or 7 years if you haven't made payment or contact with your debtors the discrepancies go away; and so, i've waited to the point of forgetting.

then tonight something said in conversation with jon had me switching online gears from myspace.com to annualcreditreport.com. i began wondering what might be in there. i seemed to have cleaned up my act pretty good within the past couple of years but heaven and experian only knows just how nasty that past of mine might be. and not only that but, since it has been 7 plus years for alot of my debts, and since i do remember a letter here and there from attorney offices about variuos debts, the likelihood is that: had i not ignored those letters i could have filed a Statue Of Limitations and be free of my past but, because i chose to close my eyes to reality i, in all probablity, now have judgements against me that can last a lifetime. and the really sad thing is, had i made contact with my creditors orginally, all this could have been cleared away for a few hundred dollars. i probably spent that, and then some, on starbucks alone last year.

i have no idea yet if repairing my credit is do-able but at least i'm looking at it in it's ugly face and not one bit afraid to french it if i have to.

tastes like chicken

when i was seven years old my father took my sisters and i to a boxer breeder to pick out our future puppy. it was every seven years old dream come true: puppies pinning you to the ground with wet kisses and bites that tickled. like the pattern the rest of my life would take, i chose the quiet one. we named her peggy sue and she was the best dog ever. when i was sick peggy would lay with me, not leaving me alone for a milisecond; when i needed a shoulder to cry on peggy would just sit there as i wrapped my arms around her pouring tears onto her shiny coat; when a stray dog tried to attack me and my tennis game, peggy like lassie, was there to protect me; when i had slumber parties peggy was true blue and let me and my girlfriends paint her nails all sorts of hideous shades; she was the sort of dog disney makes movies about and death can not touch the memory of. of course, she wasn't perfect- her toots were lethal, she had it out for the mailman bad, and she loved the taste of my mothers leather shoes. never less, i don't remember Life With Peggy being filled with frustration after frustration as i am currently experiencing with lou dog. maybe it's me not wanting to touch the perfect picture i have of my first dog.... regardless, Life With Lou is a whole other ballgame. recently, he has taken up an old habit: the habit of eating the crotch out of my dirty undies. and of course, he has impeccable taste at which pairs he chooses to snack on. never the old cotton ones, but the new silky, ruffled, lacey-basically, just the ones i found at stores i couldn't afford anything else but(t). i feel partially responsible. if i had done the laundry before it got so out of control it was spilling out of the laundry basket perhaps he wouldn't have been able to get to it; or, like, if i didn't have a Vag maybe then my cute undies wouldn't be heading off to a landfill. i don't know how to end this...my dog likes the taste of my dirty undies so much he eats the crotch right out. what else is there to add?!?

despite my inner voice begging not to blog about the recent change in my body odor (or lack therewas), i'm going to anyways. see, it all started happening about the time i found out i was pregnant. i began to notice a musky smell i had smelled before on other people but never on myself: it was the dreaded stench hippie’s worldwide-yes the infamous stank of B.O! this might be gross to some, but i swear, i have never needed deodorant. never. my sweat, well at least Use to be, completely and mysteriously, odorless. i could go out for a five mile run, be just drenched in sweat, and not smell at all. i chalk this phenomenon of mine up to the fact i limit the amount of animal fat and animal bi-products in my diet- but i have no Fitness or Shape article to back this up. totally hypothetical. now all of a sudden though, i'm smelly-i stink-and since i haven't bought deodorant since Teen Spirit, and therefore have no idea what to buy now that i'm Adult Spirit, i've been using my husband's manly ArmGuard (or something super masculine like that) then masking that up with my perfume, Burberry Brit. as you could imagine, i now smell like a girl who just got, not just some, but Alot. and although i don't mind that perception, i would like my own deodorant stick. any suggestions?

today in pictures


a family of deer came by the apartment this afternoon for some tea and scones. mr. buck (as seen in the thicket) was a tad on the shy side, but overall we all had a blast.


the bump is getting so bumbalicious i'm having no choice but to wear quasi-maternity clothing. everyone has told me that with your first one you don't begin to show till your 6 months or so but my belly is out to prove them all wrong.

the anxiety is new, and this is coming from someone who has waited tables for over 5 years. i laid on the floor tonight. just laid there and breathed, focusing on stretching the tense muscles in my lower back; on releasing the pressure within my lungs. relief took only a few minutes but the mystery of why is, hours later, lingering with me; attempting to make a full circle of anxiety. what was it that Buddha taught...don't be concerned with that you can't control, or something of the sort. but it's that process of realizing, of making an effort, a push as to what you can control and what you can not, of what is in your realm of responsibility (and ability) and what is not that is the Great Concern. and then there is the internal hissy fit, where things didn't go as you imagined them or wanted them or needed them; but your an adult and you've been taught to deal with the cards life has dealt, to be the bigger person, to put on a happy face- so you swallow the worm, you adjust, you try with everything you have in yourself to keep the worm down. and the worse thing is, you know your being narrow sighted, you know you should slap yourself, you know you have it real good.

i've started reading one of those dummy books, the one for grammar and usage. it's frustrating to read my own blog entries as i'm painfully aware i'm doing It All wrong. i wasn't always so bad. once upon a time i knew where to put semi-colons but years went by without any sort of accountability or regard; i filled my poor little head with everything from proust to nin to king james to eggars to chabon, each with their own style, muddling my vague recollection of 8th grade grammar lessons in the consecution.

and now the approach of midnight is doing it's own type of muddling. goodnight.

And Now This Is Happening



every single morning i wake to find an 105 lb dog sleeping on the couch and every single morning i scold him and beat him for doing it. he knows he's not suppose to but he doesn't care, the dog is satan. i got home this afternoon from the obgyn to the suspension that the dog had been napping in my bed. however, i had no proof. i hadn't been home more than ten minuetes when i turned around and saw the dog back on the couch. strike 3. so although the weatherman is advising all pets and elderly be put indoors this afternoon, lou will not.



he will be outside in the sloshy snow.

my myspace "about me" and i really think i nailed it:

i think capitalizing, typically, is a waste of time.

i wish computers were never made available to the general public.

i can't spell to save my life.

i have about ten different spiral notebooks i use for "to-do" lists and personal finance tracking and projecting.

i wish they sold peanut butter by the gallons at normal grocery stores.

i put french fries on my hamburgers and potato chips on sandwhiches but i'm not into rosemary potatoes on egg sandwiches.

i've only turned down having sex with jon once.

i like people who have inhibitions with people.

i don't take myself or much else too seriously but at the same time i have great disdain for those who put too much importance on the unimportant.

i know your only suppose to like one or the other but i, equally, like the beatles and the rolling stones.

i own and wear a pair of cowboy boots.

i keep a pink plastic butterfly that came from a cupcake a good friend gave me pinned to my purse.

i think you can know alot about a person by the way and where they park, as well as the shoes they wear and the music they like.

i can sincerely say that i love my little sister more than i love myself.

with that said, i do take friendship and love uber duber seriously.

i love walking, traveling, and the sunshine.

i want to learn how to rock climb because i think i have rock climbers legs already.

my dream job is to own and operate an open floral shop like the ones in denmark.

i want to take care of my parents when they get old.

i'm married to my one and only.

my dog is a sinner.

and finally, i have a little bambino on the way, due sometime in the first week of july.

(ridiculously) bored

i should have made a point to blog when i was in dallas-when i had some resemblance of a life. here i'm at total loss of inspiration, of accounts; there isn't much and i don't do much, or see much or meet much...at all. i'm growing a baby, sure. it's awesome-i think i know where it's over sized little head is because the left side of my belly kinda pokes out more than the right, but overall the pregnancy is very non-eventful at this time. i wouldn't even know i was pregnant if wasn't for the fact i spent the last three months feeling like ass day in and day out, or that i haven't had a period in three months, and that my mother is constantly prying into my folic acid intake.

now that the wedding is over and the spontaneous throwing up has come to an end, i would love to get a job. yesterday i went to a flight attendant group interview but had to bail after realizing the job- in conjunction with becoming a new mom- were very incompatible. there isn't much opportunity here in southern oregon, especially if your post-high school education ended prematurely; but even if i had a bachelors degree i would be looking at the promise of $12 an hour, $15 at best. as my experience in the Office Place stands now i can hope to find something for $8 an hour-where as I need to make at least $11 to keep us afloat. i don't want to, i try not to, but i get discouraged, i become depressed, and i begin resenting this place. i'm not very good at masking my emotions, so jon inevitably sees and so hears my disdain; which, consequently, frustrates and irritates him.

i don't know what to do-we can't move until the tax situation is taken care of and there is enough cushion for such a move. now that a baby is on the way there are so many factors to take into consideration: you can't just leap without looking, everything has to be mapped, i's have to dotted and t's crossed; neighborhoods are taken into account, making sure health insurance will be provided is as important as making sure you have enough for gas for the trip.

i would very much like to throw my hands up in the air in defeat, pack-up, and move it on but now i'm stuck-i have no choice but to preserver through a situation i find seemingly hopeless. this maybe is the reason why i’m here because lord knows that when the going gets despondent, i sign out. it's a virtue i've never been able to master let alone accomplish.

well, here goes nothing. literally. ;)

perhaps i'll go running tomorrow morning.

silly time lines

good lord, it's magnifacent outside today...versus the glorious inside yesterday... wow, i even write as retarded as i think, amazing. but yes the sun is out, something that doesn't happen too often here in southern oregon and there are fugly clouds in the distance being held back by hills that look like mountains. i hope this lasts forever.

jon and i are going to church this morning. i guess my grandmother is right, "i've settled down". no more brunch at the church of terrillis, no more lessons of champagne and eggs benedict. i'm like a real adult-going to church on a sunday morning with plans to come home afterward and fix my hubbie lunch. i got a call from my cousin in florida this morning, she had just heard the news of me being pregant and wanted the 411, so i indulged her and she indulged me with the family gossip on that end. poor 21 year old thing is being told she needs to settle down like me. i told her to never settle down, never stay in only one place, and most of all-to never listen to me.

Later That Day

we never made it to church. jon felt too sick afterall, he's been ill since we got married but has been doing somewhat better this weekend. i wonder if his body is rejecting covenant... hmm. it's been an interesting first week of marriage. not alot of sex like i lead you to believe but alot of me serving dayquil and chicken and noodle soup and orange juice and tlc to my new hubbie wubbie. our honeymoon wasn't much different. there were a few times he was able to come play with me but most of the time my poor dear spent his recently accomplished marital status in bed whilst i skipped and whistled down the beaming beautiful streets of san diego below. and that's what happens when you go swimming in the freezing cold pacific ocean drunk in the middle of the night. *sigh* bachelor parties.

today i called the driver of a doubled park car an ass-nog. i feel as if it was one of my most brilliant moments yet. after being brilliant, i went inside target and discovered the global bazaar is going down. then i knew i was simply having a good day. sunny good day.

The Honeymoon

*starsailing will return after
the crazy marital sex ends.


we honeymooners at the san diego zoo


my favorite little guy


jon checking out the sea lions


the sea lions just chillin (our hotel was directly behind this cove.)


the happiest girl in the world


me checking out the room service menu


trying to catch the sunset out of a window in our hotel room

screw myth busters: i have daily proof a dogs mouth is dirtier than a humans, because last time i checked, me not lou brushes his teeth two times a day. and that's just the start of it.


(me taming the wild beast)

if i was smarter in the morning, this morning when i woke to find a 105 lb beast of a dog sprawled out on his back in human-imitating fashion sawing zzz's on THE COUCH, before yelling at him, i would have taken a picture, for it was, a pretty damn funny site to see. but as funny as his deliberate disobdience can be, most of the time i'm more annoyed at how relentless his deviant behavior is. no matter how hard you spank him or how mean you scold him, he will, right in front of your face, stick his in the trash can he is suppose to, and knows, to stay out of; he will, despite having a full bowl of water ten feet away, seize the oppurtunity for a drink out of the toliet bowl instead; he will, despite creative attempts to break his trance, make the ugliest snarls and growls you have ever heard if you get anywhere near his food bowl; he will, knowing he shouldn't, lay on anything laying on the ground-so yes, all my jackets and purses smell like dog ass and the couch has canine penis and ass juice soaked into it from where he cleans himself on it and the bathroom floor needs mopped daily(though i do it bi-weekly) from toliet fungi being dripped from his mouth as he leaves his watering hole and it's no longer a surprise to find trash in my bedroom from lou's picnics. this dog is running the show and i need advice on how to flip the tables on him without flipping the table on him.

you can actually hear the rain this morning and perhaps that's why i slept in till 10 but thought it was like 7. i swore that woodpecker outside my window was trying to kill me by depreving me of sleep but now i understand he was just saving me from slothfulness; and lou dog, i see now too that his howling wasn't malicious just howling- at the sirens that were probably caused by car accidents due to the rain. but i'm inside, safe and dry and honestly enjoying this forecast. because i can hear it, because it's not pussy rain like we usually get where you don't even know it's raining till you've been outside for ten minutes and your like, "huh, how did i get wet? oh it's raining." it might have even thundered last night, or i might have just dreampt about it. either way, it's going to flood around here and flood bad. from my window i can see the pasture below turning into a lake and a river now where the drive way once was. and to think we're on a hill.

in just a bit i'm going back out to ashland to get my 50 dollar haircut fixed. i went to the nicest place in the valley, i brought a picture, i explained in great detail how i wanted it and what she should expect from my hair, and still the lady fcked it up. i know i shouldn't be angry about it because it's just hair and whatever it'll grow back out but it's a week and a half from my wedding, now it's too short to do it how i wanted it, and i paid more money for a haircut out here in bumble fck backwards southern oregon than i ever did back in the fancy salons in dallas-there should be no reason why she couldn't do it right and out of all times to fck it, right before i wed. and not only is it nothing like the cut i wanted, she fcked up on the haircut she gave me. there are some things i can be fooled with but when it comes to music, food, wine, fashion, and haircuts-there is no pulling the wool over my eyes.

and that's what happens when you start reading vogue and W at the tender age of 10.

upcoming child related expenses:

hospital stay
diapers
little mozart dvds
bouncing balls
piano lessons
private chinese tutor
ballet/or baseball
frequent educational trips to europe
ice-skating lessons
swim lessons
dive lessons
tennis lessons
summer camps
puppet shows
build your own teddy bear
ice-cream floats
day fare to disney world
cotton candy at the fair
first crappy car
and last but not least,
college.......

but no worries, check out our savings.

how in the world brides to be planned their wedding pre-internet i will never know. i'm dead seriuos, it really is nearly impossible to even fathom how one went about it. perhaps it explains why the norm use to be a year long engagement full of wedding preparations. now-a-days( and i love things concerning now-a-days) , there really is no reason why it should take any longer than a month. of course, unless your one of those crazy highland park chics who must have their wedding at the methodist hot spot and therefore have to reserve the chapel ten years in advance. otherwise, like myself, in a mere day spent surfing the web you can arrange for your flowers, your catering, and have all driving directions to the variuos places mapped and printed out using yahoo maps. it's effortless, really. it would be nice, albeit, to know with my own two eyes what the flowers will look like-but, i suppose, even a bride who has been able to visit her florist isn't fully aware, until the big day, of the condition of the flowers or how well he/she arranged them for that particular day. the only way to accurately gage the future is to examine the past, and all that can be done via photo albumns and customer reviews.

as for the dreary task of registering: instead of pulling a rope tied around jon's neck down aisle after aisle of glassware and towels and lamps, i created an online account at target and crate n' barrel; and from the comfort of my apartment was able to inquire from jon, as he watched tv, what he wanted to be apart of in selecting and what he could give two shits about. it was painless for him and therefore painless for me. once again, it is no wonder pre-internet brides, or those who chose to go about things the old fashioned way, turn into bridezillas.

when it comes to weddings, the internet holds the key to the tranquility. that i'm almost sure of.

now, as i've been writing this i've heard something very disturbing about pregnant woman who experience ungodly amounts of gas. like me. the tall tell is that those sort of woman give birth to hairy babies just as a pregnant woman whose stomach looks like a basketball will have a girl and a watermelon tummy means a boy. i'm not soo vain that i'm mortified at an above average hairy tot, it's that i burb more than i breathe right now-i go to sleep beltching, i wake up beltching, i take a shower beltching, and so on so forth. it is non-friggin-stop. my fear is that, because of the incessant gas, i'm going to have a monkey.

"evalyn the monkey child",

understand?!?

it's not that jon isn't affectionate, it's that i am an affection junkie. there is no such thing as sitting on the couch next to me-it is more like me sitting on you or me wrapped up in your arms or you wrapped up in my arms or me massaging you or me scratching my feet to your feet- anything that consitutes human contact will do. it's nothing new, i've been doing it since michelle was big enough to squeeze. one of my alltimefavorite pictures is of michelle and i as wee little children sleeping: we are both in strawberry shortcake gowns, long blonde hair everywhere, and i have michelle in a death lock spoon. it's a classic.

but anyhow. i've gotten distracted. christmas. the wedding. the new microwave. yaddy-ya, maybe another day.

we have all been there: it's 11oclock at night and a wendy's commercial is parading dazzling golden french fries, a double-no-triple-my-no-pickle-cheeseburger, and a sumptous frosty. the craving is strong, a hercules of want, but the sofa is soft and all feeble attempts of raising yourself to a standing position results in fainting spells.

nature has taken over and the sofa has won.

for years has this, and similar, struggles made a fool of my cravings. that is why i was surprised the other night when the yearning for cinnamon donuts gripped me and i actually bundled myself up and made the midnight trip to the grocery store. even more amzingly, it was the first of many whims and wants to be fulfilled despite any and all comforts or obstacles.

the only explanation i can conjure up for this phenomen is the baby; that my little bambino offers me with enough motivation to overcome the state of being content. so when the rapture bleeds through the speakers and i feel the baby wanting to stroke that beat, no matter how tired or busy i might be at that moment, i give it up for the kid.

motherhood has begun.

what is the world coming to?!? thank goodness i saw them play at trees last year, otherwise i would have my foot shoved up my asshole right now.

this morning i'm day dreaming. day dreaming about the pair of camper boots i so want, the trip to barcelona i just whipped up in my head, and having seventy degree weather in san diego on the seventh.

since jon has known me i haven't done much in terms of travel or dreaming big but there was a day when i did and i feel that day beesching me for another round.

i'm not referring to the boots or the weather anymore, maybe the trip. but thinking of what it would be like to kiss the soil of the US goodbye, for awhile at least; take up an oversized scarf, another language, an unrealistic goal and just run as fast and as far as i can. unfortunately, talking jon into such an adventure is more unrealistic than making my home sweet home somewhere in europe.

a year or so ago i brought up the inevitable day when i would want to stretch my legs, dream big, and apply for a residence visa somewhere farfaraway-as i'm wanting now-and after much resistance we finally came to a compromise: he would be ok with me taking a few months here and there to do what i want to do overseas and i would be ok with only a few months here and there.

i suppose, until the baby is old enough to accompany me, i'll be happy to settle for that pair of boots and the travel channel.

you know your pregnant when...

you LOSE it in the 'chronicles of narnia'.

so painful to remember when he was himself; so much i don't understand and can't handle. how strong my jon is to be there for him through moments i would fold. like when robbie g. needed a shoulder to cry on and i left him with a heartbreak albumn instead. it's hard for me to feel so helpless when all i want to do is help, it's hard for me to hear someone spiral into insanity, to watch someone cry. i've never been one to display that vulnerable side of myself to anyone but myself and God. i would rather die. and i have from time to time. bad things have happened to me, things no one will ever know about but that's how i deal, i conceal. only when the wonunds are healed do i feel safe enough from myself to share with someone else. i would say i'm resillant, i can bounce back from most beatings and disappointments, and wind up, in the end, a stronger and more compassionate person because of it; but there are some beatings i could never imagine anyone coming back in one piece from. and that is the situation with him. so what, is it like jon said: that he won't make it; are we waiting for the relief of suicide or relapse to rescue him?!? would venegance allott to him over-due justice? when the cure is evil, where is the hope?

here lies my new obsession: pictures of my sister with her cat. all previous time consumptions have been filtered away, all i am left with now are pics like these. priceless and precious, i want to make their faces into calenders and buttons and postcards.

i want to put them in my pocket and fly kites all day long.

i want to create a fansite for them and host fan parties on their behalf. maybe make a cake with their names on it.

i want to have t'shirts made that say "I Rather Be Looking At Pictures of My Sister with Her Little Kitty".

i want to name a national holiday after them. or a road. maybe i'll just adopt a highway in their name.

i want to thank them on stage.

i want to call in the radio station at all hours of the night dedicating to them mariah carey christmas songs.

i want to do all this and then some because they are the cutest duo. ever.

the truck was packed with a backpack containing salami sandwhiches, potatoe chips, pickles, apples, raisens, cherrios, string cheese, and, after much time spent in walmart making circles around the sports goods and toy section looking for the sleds, one shiny red plastic saucer and a need for speed sledmat. we were heading for the hills, hoping for some snow. an hour later i was flying recklessly down a steep icy hill, backwards, screaming bloody murder all the way. and boy do i have a bruise and a headache to prove it. jon didn't think i'd go all the way to the top of the hill, as everyone else was launching at mid point, but it was my first time sledding and though i understand the dynamics of the physics sledding involves, i somehow seemed to forgot all such knowledge in the light of a higher, steeper possability. i don't remember most of the descent, as my eyes were involuntary closed shut, but do i remember when the killing device came to a sweet stop, someone's little dog came running over to me giving me kisses while jon stood a few feet away hunched over in laughter. now, it was jon's turn. he decided we better get a parking permit before we got a ticket so off we went to beckies cafe for some blackbery pie, hot chocolate, and, of course, the permit. oddly to my surprise, jon decided against getting the permit and suggested we go for a walk in the snowy forrest instead. now, i've seen snow like the snow we saw out there before...but only in movies. it was perfect and it was also a over a foot deep in some places. we trekked through, laughing at ourselves almost falling through the unknown deep snow, until we reached the river gorge. there my sweet love hid behind me on one knee with a ring strecthed out so when i turned around from gazing at the rushing water below that is what i saw.

i'm officially engaged.

the darkness here is real. and on a cloudy night, when the stars and moon are veiled behind ghostly billows, and the concealment of all light has been achieved, i wonder at my existence. nothing is everywhere, enveloping me in it's void until, that is, my eyes adjust. i begin to see my hand in front of my face and the old douglas fir beside me, but the rest of what i know to be a hill and a house upon that hill is now only a testamant of my memory and a good flashlight. and the thing is: it's only 7oclock in southern oregon.

i find myself waking up, waking up in the middle of the day with little to show for the beginning of the day and a hunch the remainder might not differ from that. the ambition is suffocating. we are thinking of a warmer place, a sunnier place but it all depends. i'll keep it as motivation, anyways. i've been looking for thoughts-a world of intrigue outside the discovery channel-but the only one i found worthreadingwhile was tainted. how in such a big world does that happen, i'll never know. i would think the separation of association would have more oceans or rivers or lakes or mountains or bus stops. i guess in some ways are all linked by virtue of happenstance or default or that which ties the past to the present: the unlikely likelihood whether we like it or not.

meanwhile, i'm missing those pivotal years where a kitten becomes a cat. the pictures on his myspace show the gradual change and i lament the fact that all i'll have to remember it by was his "view more pics". i can only hope little evalyn will know her aunt michelle more than i know her feline son, davy bowie. yes, i call him davy. or baby bowie. and when i lay down for sleep at night my mind takes me on little excursions where i find myself with evalyn doing things like feeding her green pea mush or playing peek a boo or imaging her teacher taking roll yelling out "evie eggert" to a "here" sweet little reply. but i don't know, maybe it'll be a landon or, as my father would like, a little fredrick the 4th. but that just would just be cruel.

in a spat of brutal honesty the other day i sent off an email to an old friend about this whole 'me being pregant' thing. as soon as i sent it remorse immediately sunk in: i was sure she would be now praying for the poor child i will be giving birth to in 7 months. it was an email that revealed how i don't feel ready, how bizaare and freaky i think the miracle of creating a life in your womb is, and how i...i wished i wasn't pregnant. i needed to feel understood and this particular friend is not only the non-judgemental type but she also provided just enough segway for me to launch into it. but it wasn't the thought of being the center for someone's disapproval that scared me, it was what i had shared that made me shake in my boots. the truth.

then last night i had this dream that i was swinging on a swing set while holding my child. and i remember feeling this extreme love at feeling my child's arm hold onto me as it lay in my lap. i woke up this morning with a love for my child for the first time. it's pretty awesome.

sundays will never be the same

christmas in my...

dallas had never so looked than the day winter had it's way. i was living on lower greenville at the time in an one bedroom duplex with a smu girl i didn't really know. the plan was that we would share a bedroom but come moving day i couldn't bring myself to sleep in the same room with leopard printed sheets. so every evening i converted the couch into my bed. like many of the other older houses in that part of dallas- our duplex didn't have central air or heat. and it was the dead of winter. there with me in the living room was the main furnace, a prehistoric giant of his day, with only one level to keep the gas light: full throttle. i slept with a wooly mammoth of a blanket that was so warm on most nights i didn't need the heater, but then their were those nights where even my blanket from antartica, as warm as it was, couldn't fit the bill; those are the nights we would light the furnace and all of the M streets would have to turn of their heaters in fear of global warming. in order i didn't wake up roasted i would fully open one of the windows directly behind my head. this mixture of freezing cold air meeting the mouth of hell stabilized the temperature in the living room at a quite comfortable level. albeit, it wasn't very safe but then again, as i saw it, neither was passing out from dehydration in my sleep. this one particular night, while i layed sleeping, something magical was happening; a sweet song was being played on every blade of grass, on every forgotten fallen leaf, on every roof shingle, and on every street from highland park to knox/henderson to lakewood to me on lower greenville. i woke up that morning to an array of unusual pecularities. for starters, the morning glow that was typically bright and brassy was sweet and celestial; the sound of passing cars was replaced with silence, silence that gave way to soft crackles and slow dripping water. i raised myself from the embrace of comfort and looked out the foggy window in curiosity...it was snowing, and it had been for quite some time. not knowing exactly why but instantly a shrill of joy shot through me at this sight. i jumped from my bed and dashed to the cd player. the day before i had been listening to el gato's (at that time) new single, 'christmas in my city'. there was no need to rethink the mornings music selection-i hit the play button and returned to my wooly mammoth. i spent quite some time that morning just gazing out that window towards the white covered street. i had never seen anything so beautiful or magical before- where the snow covered trees met along the street to greet eachother above- making a make believe tunnel for my make believe carriages to take my make believe families into my makers winter wonderland.

years have gone by since then without a single snow storm to challenge that memory. and while the snow laid last night has been tainted with morning rain, having jon wake me up in the middle of the night to show me the winter wonderland outside, is sure having me re-evalute first place.

i've been extremely fortunate to have found a group of great and fun friends. so fantastic, such good times that i have a hard time remembering ALL the stories and moments from beginning to end. like when steph lost her digi camera that she bought in japan at michelle's birthday party(see picture above). ryan fitz had taken over camera responsalibity, which in hindsight was a really bad idea since he and kate had just broken up and thus was drinking Alot. it seemed like everytime you went to scratch your nose fitzy and bright flashes were there: capturing the moment. no doubt there was to come from that party some real gems, like michelle laying on random people or tay flirting with a highschool girl or marcus breaking the hamcock by attempting to jump on me in it. unfortunately, the next day when headaches and giggles emerged at the recolation from the night before events the camera did not. we tried to pin the tail on the guilty one, we cleaned the house and our cars, we called people, but in the end the camera was MIA. fitzy said he gave it to me when we were laying on the broken hammock but i was half passed out and don't remember that ever happening.

then there was the time i ended up spending an entire night at baylor hospital. not as a patient but in the waiting room waiting for a patient. i can't recall how we all ended up in my car or where i was going but that is how it all started. cp, evan, shane, and i were driving down ross avenue when, for some reason, we decided to pull over and try to jump over these huge bushes. one after another we would run and jump but not a single one of us could make it over...then shane got seriuosly airborned and over he went crashing to the concrete earth below-breaking his arm. shane now lives in san diego and when he heard jon and i were going to get hitched down there, offered his professional hook-up to repay me for the night i spent in the ER waiting for him.

good times, good friends.

"Love is the place that you're drawn to.
Looking into space it surrounds you.
Love is that face that you're drawn to"

i've spent some time this morning searching some of my favorite stores websites for a white dress. i found one darling unattainable little number over at marc jabobs and another one on sale at anthropologie but dears... i think i'm going to ask my future mother in law to shorten my thrift store bought hippie dress. you know the one that i've always joked around about being my future wedding dress, yes that One. it'll go perfect with bare feet and lip gloss. as for what to do for "here comes the bride" i've come up with a stellar idea: i'll ask my favorite lyrist, now living in san diego, if he wouldn't mind strumming an ol' getair during the procession. maybe some lips, maybe something to take everyone wayyyy back. whatever i choose, if jonny v. takes up my plea, i know it'll be perfect. this is coming together just beautifully!

i had accomplished the most important: i had picked out a locale for the wedding. but not because i couldn't see myself getting married anywhere else but because invitations needed to be made so flights could be booked. it was a selection based on neccesatity, nothing more.

for the past two weeks the morning sickness has been crippling and, often, last throughout the day; disabling me from accomplishing or eating much of anything.

despite jon's argument that it only Just started getting cold here, i feel as if winter arrived just a week or two after we did. and almost as much as i miss my friends, my neighborhood, the allgood, and queso-i really miss sunshine too. which lead me to wanting a honeymoon somewhere warm, which lead me to wanting a honeymoon somewhere tropical, which lead me to browsing airfare to hawaii on priceline, which lead me to a cheaper alternative: a cruise.

however, with a baby on the way, me not having a steady income, and the duty and financial obligation of putting on a wedding production meant there would be no honeymoon...no cruise...no sunshine. and in the end a wedding neither of us really wanted.

so jon and i did exactly what needed be done: we cancelled the wedding in oregon and opted to do a small and intimate ceremony on the beach in san diego. and i couldn't be more stoked. no decorating, no catering, no fancy bridal gown we really can't afford anyways, no rentals, no boring dinner rehearsal, and no headaches. together with just our families and close friends barefoot on the beach. ohh yes, and a cruise to the mexican rivieria.

if i can pull myself together, this day could be immensely productive; if i could fight the woozies, i would really like to eat, like, everything in the fridge; if i could find it in me to get ready, i would, undoubtedly, love to go get myself a smoothie.

a wood pecker woke me up at the crack of dawn's bohinny so i'm a tad cranky. i've spent the entire morning thus far registering for wedding gifts online so i'm a tad fried as well. but i have a feeling it's blue skies from here.

so over breakfast, over the weekend, a wedding plan was put into action. i hate to spring it on my friends, family, and myself so suddenly; unfortunately, that's the way it has to be. as soon as i nail down the locale i'll have an exact date, but as for now, the tentative plan is the first week in janurary. ideally i would love to have it in lithia park come summer but as i'm learning their are a million little things to consider when day dreaming and dealing with new found reality. i sincerely hope this doesn't detour those who were planning on coming in the summer yet i completely understand how it would.

well, i'm up to my eye balls in things that need to get down.

when a spoonful weighs a ton

i really can't reveal. i want to because it's all i can think about, and trying to think about anything else is more than futile. it's amazing how i never noticed before the songs, the television shows, the commercials, or the aisle at target and the grocery store specifically for it; it's eye opening when your world recieves another world and more baffeling how blind you were to that world before.

happy birthday to 'the rach'. white russians and good times for everyone!

opportunist with great wit love myspace, clearly:

this is as wrong and disturbing as this. not to mention, really funny.

"You're so wise. You're like a miniature Buddha, covered with hair."
-Ron Burgandy

more than i hate thinking or feeling negative thoughts, i hate sharing them. (they) seem so petty when you look back, and so i usually try to, internally, wait out the storm. however, yesterday i let the shit fly and now i feel all poopy. yes, poopy. medford has some serious redeeming qualities: the horizon is absolutely beautiful and jon is here.

i remember a conversation heather and i had at a coffee house in austin while living there; i really liked austin-the trails, the music scene, the encouragement of earth conscience living, the shops, the variety of different things to be apart of or do, and just the overall "vibe"-but i didn't know a single person and since i couldn't find a job, i was still commuting to dallas every weekend; and so i was contemplating dropping school and moving back to dallas. heather had a similar experience when she went off to baylor for school; she spent 6 months in utter misery and then she met a girl in one of her classes and they became(and still are) the bestest of friends. she advised i give it 6 months before calling it quits or even fixate on the negative.

i didn't adhere to her council-i quit school and moved back to the big d. now, in austin, i have a plethora of friends living there. though i don't regret it, i know i would have found great happiness and fulfillment in a city i loved had i waited out the storm of loneliness. and since i didn't take heather's advice the first time, i'm taking it now.

broken down missie

i was telling myself to wait, give it time, put the goggles of perspective on, but the feelings of restlessness and discontent were heavy, too heavy and too much to push aside or keep inside any longer. i reached for the phone and called someone who cared: "i hate it here", i told jon. there it was: ugly and real, though a tad dramatic. he attempted at reasoning why i was breaking down: it was because i had nothing to do during the day, it was because there isn't much in terms of job selection, it was because i'm use to financially contributing more than i currently am, it was because their isn't much to do here in the winter, and it was because all in all, i'm bored; but all that would change, in time. i agreed with him that all those explanations were true, very true, and reasons in a way but the real deal was, and is, that i need city and that wouldn't change anytime soon. i need to feel apart of something bigger. i thrive off ambition and innovation, it gives me hope for purpose: purpose beyond being content, which is exactly the vibe of a small town. i don't want to knock it, for a lot of folks that is their cup o' tea. just not mine.

i'm really, really jaded with waiting tables. it was never meant to last this long, and yet it has. i would love to go back to school to get my degree; and medford, with SOU right here, cheap living accommodations, and financial aid waiting for jon, is a logical and ideal place to do it. however, the thought of waiting tables in addition to living in this small town for such a timely extant has me wringing my hands. i've been researching other alternatives that i could do while i'm in school to sustain myself, comfortably, afloat. the two possibilities would require certification that, in turn, would require a few months: massage therapy or becoming a flight attendant. the later my favorite. massage therapy takes about six months and 7000 dollars; becoming a flight attendant would necessitate living in another city for a few weeks for training and then be willing to relocate to one of their designated hub cities( seattle, portland, or denver). and that, the whole hub city relocation requirement, had the alternative seeking an alternative.

then last night jon gave me the go on portland, so next week i'm heading off to portland for a group interview(and to pick up my dad from the airport!!!). who knows what, if anything, will come out of it, but at least hope is back in business and the break down is under control.

don't mind if i do

beware: i have half bottle of syrah in my left hand...i already brushed my teeth, took out my contacts, turned off the tube, but somewhere from the wine journal to the kitchen i ended up with another glass, and on here. funny how these things work...after a glass and a half...and a hour later. never claimed i could hold me liquor, oh wait, yep there it is at the top. whatever.

well tonight ladies and gentlemen i cooked: i prepared the glaze, i grilled the salmon, i sautated the bell peppers, i diced the apples, i scooped the ice cream, i opened the wine, i light the candels, iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. goodness, i'm so self-absorbed when i drink, and not entirely honest at that. you see, jon, despite my urging him to let me take care of him, insisted on helping me. so the two of us, technically, cooked dinner tonight.

earlier this afternoon, while i was out birthday gift shopping in ashland, i recieved a gift of my own: snow! it was the wildest thing ever; and tomorrow, after i get a new friggin battery for the camera, i'll post *A picture of it.

*sour subject, and that's all for me.

why does it seem no matter how many groceries i buy i can never find anything to eat. what i want this morning for breakfast is a bowl of strawberries, pineapples, bananas, and oranges. but even if i had all those yummy things in my fridge i would still be in want: i'm terribly spoiled when it comes to eating-i would rather go to a cafe and spend for someone else to fix it for me. someone like the allgood. hmmm, a number one: eggs over hard, biscuit, sausage, a side of sliced avocados, oh and some apple butter for my biscuit. good gog, what i wouldn't do for a fix right now.

i've seriously considered how i could have michelle mail some allgood to me but every scenario my mind takes me on ends in food poisoning.

a conversation with rachel last night and a comment from tiff herself has me wondering, is she back in the big d already? goodness, i'm bursting with questions and hope that-that means her visit will, perhaps, be sooner than the spring. although, i feel guilty suggesting, and begging, for my friends and family to come visit me now: for instance, while i love it, it has been raining for over a week straight here. the spring time is the money ticket, i know this. i want those dear to me who sacrifice the finances and time to come spend time with me to have the best trip of their lives; i want them to be able to see the great PNW in all it's splendor, i want them to see the coast, to go kayaking, to go hiking, to see the waterfalls, etc, and etc. however, a trip now would most likely constitute of going to the movies and going out to eat. things one does on a daily basis in dallas. of course, there is skiing.

i have cards to make and a million birthday gifts to buy. a rainy day awaits.

here are some pictures from our road trip to oregon:


jon waiting for his chili and coffee at the
tiger cafe in june lake, californa.


me in front of the sierra nevadas.


later that day in yosemite national park.


looking down on the world below.

saturplay

not only am i good today, but i'm also having a really good day. jon and i started our day with some necessary cleaning which allowed me to mentally relax and put away my eternal to do list; then we set out with only ideas--mine was to go to eugene for the day, but with a winter storm in affect all across the state , the possibility of getting stuck there over night out weighed the desire for live music and fine dining--almost noon, we decided brunch was a must and so settled for a short excursion to ashland, a, very, mini soho-esque town not but 15 minutes away; there in ashland we stumbled upon a small restaurant nestled off the main drive in between a theater and a boutique. a menu posted on the door persuaded us in and once in the ambiance and aesthetics had us confident this might be our new favorite joint. indeed, after a delicious avocado scambler, mexican mocha, and blackberry pancakes presented with style and delivering in taste, it was a sealed deal. the day was overcast, chilly, and crisp-the perfect weather for a walking around town with your hands planted in your jacket pockets. we ended up walking to an old movie theater and, with every senior citizen in town, decided on seeing "good night, and good luck". i thoroughly enjoyed the movie where as in jon fell asleep. the contradiction of the message of the film to the current state of journalism and the media was very perplexing to me. in the movie our main character is on a crusade for contradiction, for people to disagree with one another in a civilized and intelligent manner, that without not only opposition of different ideas and opinions but also the encouraging of different ideas and opinions and the struggle to ascertain the truth from the two, that we are all in trouble. i have always whole heartedly agreed with such a notion and have always found it suprising that when i, in the past, have voiced a different set of beliefs and stances, am often greeted hostile by those who are suppose to be open minded. yes, i'm talking right and left. i, being on the right, have no qualm whatsoever with those who disagree. in fact, i have friends who can back me up on that i've said many times before how grateful i am for the left; this is because that is how balance is maintained. trust me i would be scared shitless if our world was run without an advocate for revolution and new ideas, no matter what that revolution entailed or what those ideas were. history is my best defense. but that doesn't mean i'm without opinions or ideas of my own, it simply means i understand that contradiction is the key to achieving balance, and thus, the greater good. but getting back to my good day: after the movie, jon and i walked around a little bit more looking for a coffee shop. with a caramel and peanut covered apple in tote, jon decided he rather make a pot of coffee back at home. after a quick detour to a music store and wine cellar, here we are and jon is, once again, alseep.

the same nasty bug that had me and jon knee deep in kleenex and dayquil last month has me at it's mercy once again. sorry, but i'm no good today.

this is the view from the front yard. nice huh?!?

cooking with karma, literally

sure, in the tenth grade i decided i was going to be a housewife when i grew up. in that same year i debated, despite the fact that my best friend was and is a technical mexie, against illegal mexicans working and living in the US. i took extremes. the ones everyone else was too p.c to take. not because they were things i necessarily agreed with but because, back then, i enjoyed a good debate and the only way of that happening was to cross the line. here i am, ten years later, and karma is catching up. for instance, a few days ago i received two unsolicited cookbooks in the mail from two totally different people. true story. jon had a good laugh with it but the coincidence was too much for me to laugh off. now, i have no plans to give up the ghost of personal fulfillment and significance just because i received two cookbooks in the mail on the same day, but i might make a nice roast as i map out my degree plan in sociology.

;)

the birds and the cows

having lived 20 some odd years in dallas i naturally became acclimated to the ways of the city: chinese delivery in the middle of the night, offensive driving, avoiding making eye contact with strange men and the homeless, brunch as a religion, patios as shelters, shoes as accessories, weekly publications to guide you in going out, locking your car door even if your leaning on it pumping gas, and the constant array of night life sounds. so normally, having moved to the sparse populated region of south oregon, i'm going through quasi-culture shock. this became more than apparent this morning when i was outside in the pasture chatting with my landlord, marion, as he burned heaps of trash; the cows across the street had, and still are, mooing incessantly all night long and all morning long-they had not only prevented me from dozing off to sleep effortlessly but they had also woke me up a hour and a half before i naturally do. being hallows eve and being in a slightly backwards town i assumed some bored tricker treaters were out there harassing the bovine. but that hypothesis went flying out the window when i woke up. so there i was in the pasture with marion, an elderly retired minister, expressing my dismay with the cows gibber gabber when marion pointed out i really was from the city and that the cows were making all that fuss because they are getting it on. it's cow mating season round here, folks.

"my sister is a slut"

that has to be the most interesting google search query for my blog to date.

lately, i've been thinking of re-launching this blog back to it's original intention: to share with my friends the hodrum so that the reality of the distance that separated eachother wouldn't seem so real. a synthetic overpass, if you will. of course there is email, an onerous task if one has anything beyond sitting in front of the computer for hours at a time to do; and obviously there is the phone for communication desires, and again one has to take into account "day time minutes", and the acknowledgment not everyone can chat when you can and then vice versa. i have my inhibitions. i also have season 5 and 6 of lost to watch. i'm hooked.

i haven't forgotten, i've ignored; too much has happened since the last time, as usual, and now i'm at a lost as how to fast forward, pause or rewind my thoughts.

so here is something simple: an exercise if you will, to breathe life into the art of reminiscing.

i love...

~peanut butter toast with bananas and honey on it
~puppies
~cashmere socks
~being called "darling" by an old timer
~sharing a bottle of wine with a friend under a star light sky
~the sound of fall leaves benneth my feet
~the distant sound of jazz
~kissing
~my fathers messages
~carving pumpkins
~chocolate covered gummi bears
~cobblestone streets
~pictures of st.petersburg, russia
~the way cotton candy melts in the mouth
~laying in laundry right after it's gotten out of the dryer
~being pampered, including, but not limited to, a deep tissue massage
~wasting an sunday afternoon on a familiar patio
~making someone's day, in the good sense
~my sister, my boyfriend, my family, my friends, u2 and God

medford, oregon is...

~small
~pastoral
~temporary

;)

i am...

~tired
~craving something sweet and elusive
~missing 'home sweet home' and all that entails
~looking forward to my father's upcoming visit
~not too sure what i'm going to do for a halloween costume (track star? dorothy from 'the wizard of oz' would be wicked cool, but i don't quite have the time or resources for such a costume.)
~now, going to bed

there was candle light and we owned the place. i never expected so many to show up, especially after last monday's bowling bust of fun. but indeed, one by one they trickled in dressed up, and, some, totting gifts. josh introduced himself as "a glimpse as my past" and admitted regretting not baking me a chettoo cake as i did for him nine years ago, stephanie passed me a little jeweled bag with the blue bird of happiness inside-- it was holds more sentiment value to her than a creative memories convention holds to a thousand housewives-- i'm honored to have it on loan; luanna was my wife for the night, micheal shared with me a bottle of serious barbaresco vino, i adorned a paris hilton engagement ring rip off, my lovely parents were there, and my darling sister made it all happen.

i thought i'd be going out in a bang, but it's occurred to me, more than anything, i'll be going out with enough love to last for all eternity.

next, spa day with the girls at the four seasons...bitches!

it's official: i'm head over heels for brmc's new albumn. i gave my world the spree, and we danced; we sang along; we walked in silly elation. i was so overwhelmed with loving them that it was only natural to desire the same fulfilment for everyone i knew. and now 'howl' comes along and so has that familar feeling. as jon has already proclaimed, "it's gorgeous". good god, it's more than that: it's friggin brilliant, it's down right perfect. today is my birthday. buy yourself howl, as a gift to me.

at a posie show in september an april boy told me about a band i should have known about long junes ago. early this morning i found this song on an ipod. how lovely.

Big Star - September Gurls

September gurls do so much
I was your butch and you were touched
I loved you well never mind
I've been crying all the time
December boys got it bad.
September gurls I don't know why
how can I deny what's inside
even thought I keep away
maybe we'll love all our days.
When I get to bed late at night
that's the time she makes things right
ooh when she makes luv to me.

what a day! me and dandy are going out for fried chicken. how's that for a pre-celebration?!?

yes, this binge train is still going at full speed. the show last night was fantastic. a little bit of raspberry vodka and soda, a little bit of smiling faces, a little bit of bright lights, a little bit of musical bewitchment, and a lot of friggin fun.

and now it's raining!!! i love this day already.

binge mode

leaving the bar at 2:10am, going out after work, getting high in the middle of the day...these are things i'm not really known for; these are things i hardly ever indulge in, and yet, recently, i'm the poster child. it's 4am and i'm still awake. perhaps it has something to do with being temporarily displaced. but more than anything, it's mostly just pure social gluttony. i know this sort of behavior all to well. back in my dieting days this was my staple: no refined sugar, hydrogenated, or processed food for an entire month, and 45 minutes of cardio every day; this sort of self-totalitarianism was preceded by (and by preceded I mean till the second before resolution was to start) feasts of junk.

not that moving to oregon is some sort of form of resolution. revolution, perhaps. however, there is a thread of similarity and continuity between the two, and there is the 'desired compensation from sacrifice' element in the both. my main reason for moving to oregon is painstakingly natural: love. the other reasons are just as postive and beneficial. for instance, to projectile myself out of a rut. dallas is great, and blah,blah,blah...but, the fact remains- dallas has served no greater good for my once innocent and genuine ambitions, ardor, and dreams. i'm stifled here. not to mention, the overall state of well being that will be gleaned by moving to a part of the country that is extremely focused on a healthy and natural way of life. yes, i'm excited about living somewhere i don't have to drive 10 minutes away in order to recycle. in oregon i'll have the chance to step forward: school, the motivation(and time) to refine a skill, opportunity to do something besides waiting tables (if i should want), and someone for me to be there for and have there for me; someone to encourage and be an encouragement for; someone i love.

tomorrow night centromatic and deep blue something play at the granada, sunday night the spree are playing, sunday i'm having brunch with a friend in from the big A, monday night is my bowling b'day party, this coming up weeknd my parents are here, engagement party on sunday, leave wednesday.

i'm going out in bang folks.

here lies the challenge: the momentous task of catergorizing; of deciding; writing. really, when was the last time i wrote an entry of introspective and informative value? rhertorically, too long now to pick back up the allegorical torch and attempt a sprint around the track.

michelle is lying on the bed with my childhood cat, clover. we're in corpus christi visiting my parents. for me, this will be the last time i'll be down here till christmas. in 15 days the adventure begins. my belongings wait in a storage space, i've put in my two week notice, going away parties are being planned, and the thought of goodbye tears up my eyes.

still not too many people know about the move. just a few weeks ago i broke the news to my parents, just two weeks ago i tolled my boss and my co-workers, and just last night i wrote an email to an old friend about it all. in past plans it never panned out, and in the aftermaths i would feel like a talltale teller. first there was london. i was to transfer with the four seasons but after arranging everything with hr i realized how difficult it was to recieve a visa. then there was romania. i had issues corresponding with the lady who offered to host me. finally after numerous letters and emails i gave up. then there was austin. again with the four seasons. i can't remember what went awry with that effort but something in true anti-missie fashion did. colorado. bust. austin. i did it; i drove back every weekend to work because i couldn't find a job there. a few days after i broke my sublease and quit school, the four seasons and gingerman called me to tell me the finally had openings and, both, offered me a job. but it was a week to late to put in reverse the resolutions in motion. i had finally given up; i faced the cards life had delt me and had decided it wasn't that bad. dallas wasn't that bad.

now here we are- oregon bound. and this time around i have a traveling companion-jon. we have a plan, we have reasons, we have eachother.

my father is leaving for work and now michelle is asking me if i'll go to blockbuster with her. our time here has been well spent: body surfing notable gulf sized waves, bowling, my mothers deliciuos and healthy cooking, scrabble at the coffee shop, and, for myself, half of freakonomics read. but now, now, it's time to snuggle up on the sofa and let the night usher in the morning.

seven months ago when we moved in, tiff and i both aggreed our quasi-uptown apartment was both a. too nice, and, b. too big for we lakewood/little forrest hills post-residents. but with the end o' lease approaching and my life partner now claiming the down under home sweet home, i thought it to be a good idea to begin the de-clustering process. 9 winter coats. 3 of which are mine. 5 of which tiff left behind. 1 of which is taylors. how did that happen?!? where once i cringed at the nakedness of my solarium i know take pride in it's coziness: it's daisies on the table, it's picasso print on the wall.

times up, maybe next time.